Our Ninth Baby who we never got to meet

There were so many days I wanted to write about something on this blog. After infertility, miscarriages and a successful pregnancy, I didn't want this blog to become a Mommy blog. I knew I would have something to update once we began trying for another baby again. Little did I know that I would go onto have another devastating loss - another ectopic pregnancy.

My very first pregnancy loss was an ectopic and I lost my right fallopian tube after it ruptured. It was the hardest thing I experienced both physically as well as emotionally. Imfertility and miscarriages defined the next several years. God led us to Napro and a good reproductive immunologist who helped us carry our miracle baby to term.

Even before Joseph turned 6 months, all I could think of was conceiving again and having another precious little one. Since I was breastfeeding, I had to wait till my little one weaned before I could get  back on medications. We met with our Napro dr and I got back on progesterone and Metformin. We were not avoiding after my cycles returned postpartum. By the end of last year, we moved to Canada. It was a stressful period for us - new country, husband's new job, finding a place to rent and so on. We also went on a vacation to India since our relatives had not yet met Joseph. By Feb of this year, we got settled in our new home and new city. There was a long wait to see a Napro doctor but I got my first appointment for April.

On April 6th, I had a positive HPT faint as always. Thus began a long and heart wrenching journey to find that our 9th baby was not growing in my womb but elsewhere. We met with the new Napro dr who helped us a lot in making the right decisions. After 6 ultrasounds, there was no fetal pole or gestational sac to be seen. It was determined that the baby had not grown but the placental cells that had attached to my tube were producing hcg. I got Methotrexate the beginning of May. I had followups for 4 weeks before hcg levels went to non-pregnant levels. Those 2 months felt hopeless in so many ways. I didn't know why God was asking this kind of suffering again. I fought with my husband at the smallest remark. We were stretched beyond our limits and let me tell you it was God alone who sustained ohr marriage during this difficult time. The emotional guilt, the doubts, the fear of death and so many anxieties loomed around me.

Now that it is behind me and things are somewhat normal, I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from me. I have felt peace and comfort and even joy knowing that the worst is over for now. Of course, I don't want to think about the future because we are not guaranteed a life free of suffering. The desire to have children is so strong but I don't know if I can handle another loss emotionally. I'm always grateful to God for our beautiful 2 year old son who is the light of our lives.

The good, the bad and the ugly

I have been away from blogging land for a long time. I have wanted to post my thoughts for a long time but somehow life became busy. Let me first start by saying we have a happy, healthy, nine month old who is trying to pull hinself up. The past few months were really difficult for me. I was being tested in many ways but by the grace of God, I am much better now.

The first five months with Joseph were really easy for me as I had my Mom or MIL to take care of us and help us with cooking and everything. Joseph was a good sleeper and he even slept for 6-7 hour stretches during the night when he turned 4 months. He was a content baby and I was a happy mom.

When the little one turned 6 months old, he became extra clingy and needed me always. Now that I was all alone with Joseph, I had to juggle with household chores, taking care of him and DH. It was demanding but I was getting my grove when the little one caught his first cold which turned to double ear infections. Baby Jo was in pain and had to be held or rocked to sleep. He wouldn't sleep anywhere except in my arms. The nights were long and I was getting very little sleep. DH was helping me but he couldn't take leave from work which meant I was exhausted with the long nights. Though the ear infection cleared after antibiotics, his sleep got worse and worse. He would wake every hour or so and cry. The pacifier wasn't helping. He had to be held or rocked or nursed. By the end of four weeks, I was on the verge of losing my sanity. I felt I was failing as a Mom. I couldn't pacify my baby. I couldn't make him sleep. I didn't know what I was doing wrong.  I even thought of CIO but was too weak to try it out. Dh and I spent every free second reading about sleep regression, self-soothing, CIO and what not! I was slowly turning into a sleep-deprived, angry and mean person. As soon as DH got home, I would begin a pity party with a long list of complaints. I would get impatient with DH for everything. The blame game never ended and I hated myself for being so mean. I couldn't bear to be around myself. All I wanted was to walk away to a far away place and sleep.

Things became so miserable that I would cry almost daily and ask God to give me more patience. I even thought IF was better than motherhood. Yes, this is what sleep deprivation can do to you.  I didn't know why God was asking me so much. Maybe I was not fit to be a mother. Oh the thoughts I had during those 6 weeks! One day poor Dh snapped at me and told me I was becoming unbearable. I decided enough was enough and wanted to become a better person that instant. Lent was the perfect time for it! I gave up FB and internet. I needed to fast and focus on my family and my sanity. I bit my tongue every time I wanted to snap. I was slowly coming out of my selfishness. I was learning to put others first before my own selfishness. I learned to control my anger and began finding time for more prayer.

When Joseph turned 8 months, things began improving gradually. He would sleep for 2-3 stretches and I was glad that we were atleast back to the newborn days. One day, he suddenly decided to play by himself  and didn't seem to be all that clingy. My baby was back to being his happy old self. I cried tears of joy. I increased solids to 3 times a day and he began going 4-5 hours between nursing which was a huge relief for me. And then one night, my little one slept for a good solid 7 hours. I thought it was a fluke but no it wasn't. He has only being waking once for the last 5-6 weeks.  More sleep means he is a wonderful happy, bubble baby. I realized I have time for myself and God when I gave up FB and senseless browsing. We went for a mini vacation last week to the beach. It was such a welcome change.

I thank God for making me realize how I cannot do anything without his grace and strength. Motherhood is difficult, physically exhausting. I don't know why I thought motherhood after IF would be easy. I wish people would tell me for once that motherhood is difficult ! With IF, I had so much free time. I was focused only on my needs and wants. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I had become selfish in ways I didn't realize. I am glad God has opened my eyes and I truly understand what it means dying to self. 

Exhausted

Exhausted ! Yes, that sums up how I been feeling lately. My son is doing amazing. It's only that I have no energy to do basic stuff like cooking, cleaning and laundry. I felt so well the first four months postpartum but the last few weeks have been terrible. Zero energy and I am hungry all the time. Not joking! I could eat all day! My husband even doubted if I was pregnant. Huh! It also means I am irritated and feel hormonal or PMSey which I have never felt before giving birth. Not to mention how sore and achy my whole body feels. I have horrible muscle cramps on some days.

I have been trying to troubleshoot why I feel so horrible. Need to set an appt with my Napro dr. I am on my 3rd postpartum cycle and looks like I am in the post peak phase. It could mean my progesterone is way too low contributing to PMS. Maybe my thyroid is all screwed up and need to adjust the dosage of Armour. Maybe, I need to go back on Metformin but I don't want to take unnecessary meds while breastfeeding. I need to lose 15-20 lbs and breastfeeding isn't helping lose the extra pounds. I need to exercise but I have zero energy. Sounds like a loop.

Looking back at what I had been taking before birth, I decided that I need to take Vitamin D, Calcium and Iron supplements. Yes, it might help and I got some suggestions about Vitamin B12. So I am going to try that too. And after the appointment, I can hopefully be on Progesterone. I don't know if I am missing anything else but I am determined to not miss any of these supplements if it helps me become my old self. Meanwhile, prayer buddy, please say a prayer for me that I can get over this horrible fatigue and function normally.

Postpartum Cycles

Warning: This post is all about postpartum cycles, TTC and hormones. Feel free to skip it.

After our little Joseph was born, I had postpartum bleeding for 2 weeks and then spotting until Week 6. I was so happy when the Lochia ended. It meant we could resume intimacy after well a really long, long time. We were told to avoid intercourse the first half of pregnancy because of all the risks and the bleeding I had. The second half of pregnancy meant I was tired and with a huge belly, intimacy was completely out of question.

After the Lochia ended, I was dry as a desert. Not fun at all but Coconut Oil helped with all the dryness. However, I had my first period at 9 weeks postpartum. Since I am breastfeeding, I thought it would be a while before my period returned! Wrong! The first period was heavy and crampy. Hello AF! I had mixed emotions at the return of AF. It was a reminder of my broken body and the agonizing years of TTC. It also was a reminder that I had miraculously conceived and carried a baby to term.

I thought since AF had returned, I would be ovulating and having 30-32 day cycles. Lol! Wrong! Enter Week 12 and I began spotting and had light bleeding for a Week. After that my body has been producing 10KLs for weeks at a time. Looks like there is a big competition going on between breastfeeding and ovulation. Not ideal but right now we are neither trying to achieve nor trying to avoid. The post peak phase will be short the first few postpartum cycles and the chances of a miscarriage are high. We know it will be a while before my cycles regulate and most likely, it will be difficult to conceive while breastfeeding.

This is where I am torn. I love this baby so much and I just wish that there would be a next time and that the next time, we wouldn't need any treatments to get pregnant and stay pregnant. However, I feel selfish for even thinking of another baby when the Lord has blessed us so amazingly and when there are so many waiting to be blessed with a baby. Seriously, I remember how awful I felt the first 2 weeks postpartum with lack of sleep and all the pain from the stitches. I thought I would never ever have any desire for another baby because it seemed all too difficult to handle. Thankfully, things calmed down after the first 4 weeks and I had a very happy baby. When I see him smiling and cooing, I have baby fever. I don't know if I am insane for even thinking of it. DH thinks there is no serious reason that we should avoid and he is open to as many children as God would bless us with. Once my cycles return to a pattern, I will most likely visit my NaPro doctor to talk about progesterone. I am praying and hoping that there would be a next time but again I feel so selfish.

3 Months...

I have missed blogging. Every time I think of writing something, my little one starts crying and then I have no time. Joseph turned 3 months on the 2nd of this month. He has grown so much and is beginning to show his personality. He has become more interactive with us with his funny chuckles and loud sounds. He throws a fight whenever he is sleepy.

Motherhood is amazing and hard at the same time. I remember how all I wanted the last five years was to have a baby in my arms. Now that Joseph is here, I thought I would be the happiest person in this world but that's not true. Life is still the same with joys and sorrows. Every single day brings it's own struggles. This reminds me why I need to strive for heaven because God alone can bring me perfect happiness. I love Joseph but there is something I miss about our life as two. Those days were painful but it brought us close in so many ways and we trusted in God with all our hearts. I was so used to my life as two that I almost struggle on some days to accept this new reality. I am afraid if I will be able to do my best for Joseph but then again I need to trust God.

Ok the little one is awake and needs me. I will be back to share more...