Harden not my heart Oh Lord!

Why do you allow yourself to cling onto hope cycle after cycle? After last cycle's let down, I had convinced myself that I wouldn't worry myself in the post-peak phase. I was wrong!

The first few days of the post-peak phase went ok and I was completely normal. This was short lived. I began Progesterone on P+3. I hate you Progesterone for Pregnancy like Symptoms which I couldn't ignore how much ever I tried. I had slight lower left cramps occasionally and I kept wondering if it was implantation. I had sore bbs and tried convincing myself that it was a pregnancy symptom.

With the Prayer Buddy Season going, I kept reassuring myself that I could be pregnant this cycle. I allowed myself to hope and dream. I was so happy to see Pregnancy Announcements and it gave me more hope. Moreover, last month was the 3rd anniversary of my Ectopic Pregnancy and I hoped that God would bless me once again with a pregnancy. Who am I to demand?

I had convinced myself that I wouldn't waste a HPT until I was P+14. But I remembered how I had got faint positives from 10DPO with my previous miscarriages. And as every cycle, I tested on P+10 to find absolutely nothing. So here I am back to reality after shedding a few tears. I am convinced that it is not easy to get pregnant with one tube. I don't even know if I am ovulating on the side I have the tube. I have failed miserably. I don't know what I need to do. I feel numb. I keep getting negative thoughts like I am never going to be pregnant and that I will be childless. I know these thoughts are from the devil.

I know I will get through this cycle but Prayer Buddy if you could say an extra prayer for me. I need hope to go on in life. I don't want to be a miserable human being. I need the grace to accept my cross with joy. I need to grow in love and faith. My dear Jesus, please give me patience as I struggle under the weight of my cross. Harden not my heart Oh Lord! Make me humble. Allow me to love you more and more. My dear Mother, please intercede for me. May my suffering bring me closer to your beloved Son and help me on my journey to Heaven.

Sometimes it's so Difficult

Sometimes it's so difficult to feel normal. Some days are so hard. Last Cycle, my very first cycle on Progesterone Supplements, I prayed & hoped & allowed myself to dream about being pregnant. The whole Post Peak Phase was pure torture. I had so many weird symptoms & kept wondering if any of those were related to pregnancy. I really hoped that I would get a positive pregnancy test. But unfortunately, my dreams were shattered when I began getting negative tests from P+10. And yet I continued testing every single day.

I don't know if it was the Progesterone as I felt so angry, irritated & depressed the whole Post Peak Phase. I had P+7 Bloodwork done for Progesterone and I kept waiting for more than a week to hear from my NaPro doctor's office. I was an emotional wreck and had no control over myself. And then I started spotting from P+11. What the heck? Luckily, Progesterone never lengthened my Luteal Phase and my Cycle began by P+14 evening.

I kept contacting my doctor's office to get my P+7 results but didn't hear back from them. This added to my frustration. I know it's just a P+7 result but I needed to know what I had to do the next cycle. I wanted to know if the Progesterone Supplements had worked and if I could do Clomid/Femara the new cycle. When it was CD 2, I was so annoyed with my NaPro doctor's office. How could they take so long to tell me the result inspite of contacting them for so many days? I didn't know what to do and felt I was wasting my time with NaPro. By CD 3, I almost made up my mind to call the RE whom I had visited a few months ago and who had suggested Clomid, Ovidrel & Prometrium. Why should I waste my time with NaPro? I needed to do something. I know it was silly but I cried so much all those days not knowing what to do. I was so angry with God for not answering my prayers.

Atlast, on CD 4, my NaPro doctor called me and told that my P+7 Progesterone was 24 (last cycle it was 7). I breathed a sigh of relief. Atleast, the Progesterone had worked. I asked her about Clomid/Femara but she was in a hurry and said probably after 2 cycles. I tried mentioning my Long Cycles and that my Peak Day was P+24 but she didn't have much to say. Hmmm, I know NaPro has given me a diagnosis but I don't know if I am getting the best NaPro treatment.

I know life is not perfect and we don't get what we want but I don't want to have regrets that I didn't take care of my Fertility. Now that I am in my Pre-Peak Phase, I am much more reasonable and feel sorry for being angry with God. I pray that I become more patient and accept God's Plan. I pray that I learn to say Yes to the Plan of God like Our Blessed Virgin Mary.

I am offering up all my frustrations for my Prayer Buddy and for all whose who are waiting. It is so good to be able to pray for someone else rather than focusing on yourself.
And my Prayer Buddy, I would appreciate if you could pray for me that I get over my frustrations and that God guides me as to what I should do next.

Woe of Long cycles & Some Good News

Just when I needed to start 300 mg Progesterone Suppositories for the first time this cycle, my body decided to play games. I had a long Pre-Peak Phase of 24 days & I wasn't under stress. That would make this cycle 38-39 days :(

I feel so horrible. How I wish I could have a textbook perfect 28 day cycle. I have always had long cycles mostly between 32-50 days. I guess I need to convince my NaPro Dr. to put me on Clomid/Femara. I have a feeling the more I wait, the more difficulty I will have with my long cycles. I don't have PCOS so I really would like to know why my cycles are so long.

How I wish I had known about NaPro as soon as I married. Again am I in control? Oh Jesus, you have perfectly planned everything for us. May your Holy Will be done in our lives and may we have the courage & strength to accept your Will.

And there's some good news - My sister-in-law is pregnant. She has struggled a lot with PCOS and has had a miscarriage in the past. After being on Metformin & restricted diet for many years, it was still not helping her ovulate. Her doctor put her on Clomid recently and she has now conceived on the 2nd cycle of Clomid. She is now on Progesterone and some Thyroid medication. Please do pray that this pregnancy goes well. 

My family has been struggling with miscarriages & infertility for the past 3 years. I really pray for my parents who have seen both their married children struggling for a child. There isn't a day they haven't prayed & shed tears for us. They are the ones who lift up our dreary souls with prayers & words of encouragement. God bless them always!

Exposition of over 150 Relics

God has given us a great spiritual blessing. Yesterday, there was an exposition of over 150 relics at our Cathedral. We were blessed in every way to venerate the relics of so many Saints. It was a spiritual encounter with the Church Triumphant and I was filled with such joyous tears.

• Many of these were first class relics - fragments of the body of a saint like pieces of bone, flesh, hair and so on.
• A few were second class relics - things personally owned by a saint. 
• Third Class Relics are those items touched by a saint. And every article of devotion that has been touched to a first class or second class relic of a saint becomes a third class relic. Wow!

The highlight of the exposition was a piece of the "True Cross" of our Lord and a "Veil" of our Blessed Lady. There was a piece of the Crib of our Lord, a piece of the Holy Lance & a piece of the Holy Thorn.

We were armed with rosaries and prayer cards and we touched it to many first class relics. Now, my home is filled with third class relics of so many saints. Thank you Lord for this blessing!

As I walked into the room and held the relics of some of my favorite Saints, I experienced such great peace & joy.

I felt I was living the era of Christ & the early Church when I touched the relics of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Blessed Virgin Mary, St. Joseph, St. Anne, St. John the Baptist, St. Martha, St. Mary Magdalene, St. Peter, St. Paul, St. John, St. Jude, St. Matthew, St. Thomas, all the other apostles, St. Mark, St. Luke and so on.

I held the first class relics of St. Anthony, St. Anne, St. Gerard, St. Rita of Cascia and prayed for all my family, friends & Blogger Ladies waiting to be blessed with a child. I prayed for all who were pursuing adoption & asked intercession for all Pregnant Ladies.
I prayed to St. Catherine of Sienna for all who had experienced Pregnancy Losses. I experienced great peace when I held her relic to my body. I prayed to St. Peregrine for all battling with Cancer.

Last week, I had just read the Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska - "Divine Mercy in my Soul". I truly rejoiced when I saw the relic of St. Faustina. I begged St. Faustina to intercede to the Lord to have mercy on our poor souls.

I could find the relic of every Saint I had heard of - St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Teresa of Avila, Blessed Mother Theresa, St. Bernadette, St. Padre Pio, St. Dominic Savio, St. Augustine, St. Monica, St. Maria Goretti, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Maxmilian Kolbe, St. Francis Xavier, St. Josephine Bakita, St. Vincent de Paul, St. Clare of Assisi, St. Bernard of Clairvaux, St. Teresa of the Andes, St. Alphonsis Liguiori, St. Catherine Laboure, St. Gertrude, St. Ignatius Loyola, St. John of the Cross, St. John Neumann, St. Louis de Montfort, St. Martin de Porres, St. Edith Stein, St. Thomas More, St. Thomas Beckett, St. Nicolas (Santa Claus), St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, Pope Pius X, Pope Pius V and so many more.

Thank you Jesus for all the graces you have given us!!!

Visit the website Treasures of the Church for more information and to request an exposition at your Church.

Blood Work Results: Low Progesterone

I completed my P+3,5,7 & 9 bloodwork for Estradiol & Progesterone last week. My NaPro doctor left me a message saying that my Progesterone Levels are low right from P+3. Well, I cannot believe that after all these years, I have some solid news finally. Something as basic as Low Progesterone has finally been diagnosed by my NaPro doctor. My previous doctors never believed in checking Progesterone levels inspite of having Recurrent Losses. The only time I had my Progesterone bloodwork was on 7 DPO on a Clomid cycle to check if I ovulated or not and the doctor said the levels were normal (12.6) though I knew it was low.

I am supposed to start Progesterone Supplements this cycle. I have been reading about Progesterone Capsule, Suppositories and PIO Shots. I would be really grateful if someone could enlighten me about the different types of Progesterone and which one would be the most effective - the capsules, suppositories, shots?
I doubt if my insurance will cover Progesterone. Could anyone tell me how much it would cost with and without insurance?


Sometimes, I feel angry & sad that my 3 previous doctors never bothered to check for Progesterone & Estradiol though I requested plenty of times. Instead they ran millions of tests for Clotting disorders, Thyroid, Chromosomes, RPL and what not. Everything came back normal & we wasted so many $$$ on all those tests. My heart breaks when I wonder if Progesterone would have helped me from losing my babies. Now, I am even more convinced that my Ectopic Pregnancy could have been due to Low Progesterone. If it was not for NaPro, I would have lost all my trust in doctors.
Thank you Lord for leading me to NaPro & I feel so indebted to you bloggers for introducing me to NaPro though your blogs. I know there are many more things that could be wrong with my body like PCOS and Endo but I pray and hope that Progesterone will bring me closer to having a healthy baby. 

Update
I will be taking Compounded Progesterone Wettable Vaginal Capsule 300mg at bedtime from P+3 to P+12.
The charge for 30 capsules is $45 and it is supposed to last for 3 months. Not bad! Hoping that it works.