Why Must I Suffer?

The past two weeks have not been all that great. The days have gone really slow. I sometimes feel it's been ages since I saw the two lines on the HPT and the roller coaster ride which followed. As soon as I knew about the falling HCG levels, I just wanted the bleeding to begin so that I could get over with the pain. Well, I began bleeding last Monday and since I was on the blood thinners, there were no clots. Just bright red blood for several days. The first few days I didn't get out of the bed except to eat. The cramps and my emotions were enough to keep me on bed. I didn't want to cook or clean or do anything. I would cry myself to sleep and then wake up with a headache. And then I would feel guilty for not doing anything. I was immersed in self-pity and thought I was on the verge of depression. Thanks to my husband who put up with his emotional wife!

God knew better and wanted me to understand Suffering. He didn't want me to wallow in self-pity. And then, very randomly, we heard a sermon on audiosancto.org about Suffering. The priest mentioned a Catholic book "Why Must I Suffer?" (originally published in 1935) and DH bought it for me. I needed it. I needed to know the meaning of suffering. I needed to find answers. While I haven't read the book completely, I highly recommend it to anyone who needs to know more about suffering. I have often asked God "Why me?" or "Why should I Suffer?". The book has spoken to me loudly. It has touched my soul.

The book mentions fifteen reasons for suffering and some points have stood out to me.

To quote, "the sufferings of Purgatory are entirely unmeritorious. This means, that no matter how intensely the soul suffers there, nor how long, though it were for a thousand years, she cannot thereby procure for herself so much as a single new degree of merit by which to increase her glory in  Heaven. With all her pain, such a soul cannot earn for herself as much as you can by patiently bearing an insult, or suffering the prick of a pin, or denying yourself the pleasures of a dance or a movie or an ice cream soda. All that a soul in Purgatory is able to do is cancel by slow degrees the whole debt of her punishment, that part excepted which God in His mercy remits by reason of the prayers and good works offered for her by the faithful on earth........"
"These considerations will convince you of the wonderful advantages of present over future sufferings. Whatever you endure in this life, besides its power to atone for your sins, has great efficacy for making you rich in grace and glory. Moment by moment, day by day, year by year, you are at one and the same time canceling your debt and amassing additional claims to greater happiness in Heaven; and the more numerous and painful your sufferings, the more abundant and varied will be your merits." - Chapter Six

So I continue striving to become what God wants me to be. I have failed plenty of times but I pray that I get better with each new day. At least, I have come out of the Self-Pity mode and I am trying to keep myself busy with distractions like Diet and Exercise. More on that in another post. Thank you for all your prayers which have sustained me through difficult times.