Another Announcement because I need Prayers

I had pretty much nothing to update on this blog until yesterday. I wasn't charting this cycle and I had very few days of mucus. I even thought I hadn't ovulated and so we didn't actively try this cycle. I only took 4-5 days of Progesterone from CD 20. Yesterday was CD 29 and I saw a little brown mucus. I decided to take an early HPT and it came back positive or rather faintly positive. And the anxiety began.

I should be feeling thankful because I have been blessed for a seventh time but all I have been feeling is indifference. I managed to call PPVI and they called in for the PIO shots. I sucked it in and contacted Dr. KK's office. I took my first shot of Lovenox and began Prednisone yesterday. I was trying to stay neutral and not get my hopes high.

Then today I took another HPT and the line is still faint instead of getting dark. I feel I cannot handle this any longer. The tears haven't stopped. I don't even know what to pray.

I had reached a stage of Acceptance over the last few months. I was beginning to believe that I wouldn't get pregnant as it had been 18 months since my last miscarriage. I was at peace with everything. As we celebrated our 5th anniversary, I learned to accept our family of 2. I read Trustful Surrender To Divine Providence over and over again till it made complete sense to me. I was ready to surrender my will. I prayed to abandon myself to God and it gave me so much happiness.

But yesterday, all the demons have been unleashed. I don't know why this is happening. Maybe it means that I should stop TTC-ing with my broken body. Maybe that is what God wants from me - to give up trying for a child. I cannot handle years and years of pain and anxiety. I just wish there was some way around - some miracle waiting to happen. Please say a prayer for me. Thank You!