Thursday, March 7, 2013

Where I am and Prayers Needed

I need your prayers. I am facing a really bad day. Yes, it is CD14 and we were doing 10 days of Biaxin this cycle. We were to TTC this cycle but it hasn't happened yet. Call it stress at work or lack of sleep but things haven't gone as they should have with DH. Yes, we did try TTCing a few times but it didn't work. The stress is not helping either of us. I have enough things to worry and the thought of this cycle being wasted is causing me anxiety. I never knew that not being able to TTC would be so agonizing.

I am trying to stay calm because my heart hurt when DH apologized over and over again. I don't know what I should do. Ladies, if you have any advice what I could do to help DH to reduce all this stress. I feel so miserable for having to post this. I feel I am being tested again and again. I am just trying to tell myself that maybe God doesn't want us to try this cycle. I am just praying and offering this failed cycle for this blogger and all others who are waiting.

Friday, March 1, 2013


Yesterday was an emotional day for me. As I saw our beloved Pope Benedict XVI saying his farewell, my eyes swelled with tears and my heart felt heavy. It was a familiar feeling. Something similar to losing a loved one. I don’t have enough words to thank our beloved Papa for all that he has done for Christ’s Church.

Five years back, I don't think I would have cried at this news. I most probably would not have cared a bit and would have gone about with my daily business. But the Lord changed my heart over the years as I came back to the Church and her teachings. I was lost for so long but God's mercy never abandoned me. And today I am proud of my Catholic faith and nothing in this world matters to me more than my faith.

Yesterday, as I sat down jotting my pondering thoughts about our IF journey in my journal, I felt abandoned. I felt I was hoping against hope after all the failed cycles and miscarriages. I even felt that my trip to Chicago and Omaha wasn't needed. I clung onto hope the last 2 cycles keeping track of every symptom hoping that I would have life in my womb. But after a few negative HPTs, I didn't have anything to do. My heart was crushed and I didn't want to do a cycle review with PPVI. I felt nothing in the world could help my broken body.

Finally, I gave in and did a cycle review. 6 more months of Biaxin for both of us from CD 1-10. And more blood draws for an Amenorrhea panel, which means I will have to ship blood to Omaha. I am yet to find a lab which will help me. I don't even want to continue treatments.

I have waited so long for a miracle and I don't know if I can continue like this without hope. I just want to STOP everything! But I am weak and afraid. I don't have the courage to say "I am DONE". What if I haven't done everything I could have? What if this last treatment is going to help me? What if the next month will be my answered prayers? What if I am this close to a miracle? What if I am this close to the veil of suffering which will be lifted up before my eyes?
My heart tells me not to give up, to hold on for one last time, to hope and trust. It can't be far, can it be? When it feels so difficult to walk, I must be nearing my destination, right? When my body can no longer go on, I must be close to my miracle, isn't it? I am waiting for that day in my life - the day when I get to hold my baby in my arms and I hope against hope that it won't be too long.