Monday, December 1, 2014


Exhausted ! Yes, that sums up how I been feeling lately. My son is doing amazing. It's only that I have no energy to do basic stuff like cooking, cleaning and laundry. I felt so well the first four months postpartum but the last few weeks have been terrible. Zero energy and I am hungry all the time. Not joking! I could eat all day! My husband even doubted if I was pregnant. Huh! It also means I am irritated and feel hormonal or PMSey which I have never felt before giving birth. Not to mention how sore and achy my whole body feels. I have horrible muscle cramps on some days.

I have been trying to troubleshoot why I feel so horrible. Need to set an appt with my Napro dr. I am on my 3rd postpartum cycle and looks like I am in the post peak phase. It could mean my progesterone is way too low contributing to PMS. Maybe my thyroid is all screwed up and need to adjust the dosage of Armour. Maybe, I need to go back on Metformin but I don't want to take unnecessary meds while breastfeeding. I need to lose 15-20 lbs and breastfeeding isn't helping lose the extra pounds. I need to exercise but I have zero energy. Sounds like a loop.

Looking back at what I had been taking before birth, I decided that I need to take Vitamin D, Calcium and Iron supplements. Yes, it might help and I got some suggestions about Vitamin B12. So I am going to try that too. And after the appointment, I can hopefully be on Progesterone. I don't know if I am missing anything else but I am determined to not miss any of these supplements if it helps me become my old self. Meanwhile, prayer buddy, please say a prayer for me that I can get over this horrible fatigue and function normally.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Postpartum Cycles

Warning: This post is all about postpartum cycles, TTC and hormones. Feel free to skip it.

After our little Joseph was born, I had postpartum bleeding for 2 weeks and then spotting until Week 6. I was so happy when the Lochia ended. It meant we could resume intimacy after well a really long, long time. We were told to avoid intercourse the first half of pregnancy because of all the risks and the bleeding I had. The second half of pregnancy meant I was tired and with a huge belly, intimacy was completely out of question.

After the Lochia ended, I was dry as a desert. Not fun at all but Coconut Oil helped with all the dryness. However, I had my first period at 9 weeks postpartum. Since I am breastfeeding, I thought it would be a while before my period returned! Wrong! The first period was heavy and crampy. Hello AF! I had mixed emotions at the return of AF. It was a reminder of my broken body and the agonizing years of TTC. It also was a reminder that I had miraculously conceived and carried a baby to term.

I thought since AF had returned, I would be ovulating and having 30-32 day cycles. Lol! Wrong! Enter Week 12 and I began spotting and had light bleeding for a Week. After that my body has been producing 10KLs for weeks at a time. Looks like there is a big competition going on between breastfeeding and ovulation. Not ideal but right now we are neither trying to achieve nor trying to avoid. The post peak phase will be short the first few postpartum cycles and the chances of a miscarriage are high. We know it will be a while before my cycles regulate and most likely, it will be difficult to conceive while breastfeeding.

This is where I am torn. I love this baby so much and I just wish that there would be a next time and that the next time, we wouldn't need any treatments to get pregnant and stay pregnant. However, I feel selfish for even thinking of another baby when the Lord has blessed us so amazingly and when there are so many waiting to be blessed with a baby. Seriously, I remember how awful I felt the first 2 weeks postpartum with lack of sleep and all the pain from the stitches. I thought I would never ever have any desire for another baby because it seemed all too difficult to handle. Thankfully, things calmed down after the first 4 weeks and I had a very happy baby. When I see him smiling and cooing, I have baby fever. I don't know if I am insane for even thinking of it. DH thinks there is no serious reason that we should avoid and he is open to as many children as God would bless us with. Once my cycles return to a pattern, I will most likely visit my NaPro doctor to talk about progesterone. I am praying and hoping that there would be a next time but again I feel so selfish.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

3 Months...

I have missed blogging. Every time I think of writing something, my little one starts crying and then I have no time. Joseph turned 3 months on the 2nd of this month. He has grown so much and is beginning to show his personality. He has become more interactive with us with his funny chuckles and loud sounds. He throws a fight whenever he is sleepy.

Motherhood is amazing and hard at the same time. I remember how all I wanted the last five years was to have a baby in my arms. Now that Joseph is here, I thought I would be the happiest person in this world but that's not true. Life is still the same with joys and sorrows. Every single day brings it's own struggles. This reminds me why I need to strive for heaven because God alone can bring me perfect happiness. I love Joseph but there is something I miss about our life as two. Those days were painful but it brought us close in so many ways and we trusted in God with all our hearts. I was so used to my life as two that I almost struggle on some days to accept this new reality. I am afraid if I will be able to do my best for Joseph but then again I need to trust God.

Ok the little one is awake and needs me. I will be back to share more...

Saturday, July 19, 2014

One Amazing Journey

Wow! Our little Joseph is going to be 7 weeks on Monday. It has been one amazing journey so far. I have been stretched out to my limits in many ways. Motherhood is amazing and extremely difficult at the same time. At least for a new Mommy like me, it is certainly way more tough than I ever imagined. IF certainly made me grow in patience but my little Joseph needs all of me and so I am learning more and more about being patient and tending to his needs rather than satisfying mine.

The first 2 weeks were really good or I shall say I was in bliss. He was a happy baby. Feed him, change diapers, swaddle him and he would sleep peacefully for 2-3 hours. I had time to get things done. We had just moved to a new house and I used all my free time to arrange stuff. Big Mistake!  These are the things I didn't do and wish I had done during the first month.
  • I didn't nap when he napped. So when evening rolled, I would be really tired and those night time feedings were miserable as all I wanted was to sleep but Joseph had to be held and rocked to sleep after nursing. Some days, I would wake up with a headache. Lesson learned!
  • I simply climbed up and down the stairs too many times a day and it didn't help with my stitches. I didn't even get time to do Sitz baths. I should have rested and allowed others to do the work. I had my six week postpartum appointment this week and though the stitches have dissolved, there is still an area which is raw and needs healing. Lesson learned! Rest when you can. My back still hurts when I carry him for a while.
  • I was given a nipple shield by the lactation consultant at the hospital. I didn't hesitate to use it and never read about the consequences. The first week went really well. My milk came in the third day. Joseph would nurse happily and my nipples weren't sore. Wow! I didn't know nursing could be painless when all I had read was about sore nipples.His birth weight was 5lbs and 15oz. At this 3 day checkup, he weighed 5lbs 7oz but by 10 days he had regained his birth weight and weighed 6lbs 1oz. I was happy even if it meant using a nipple shield. Enter week 2 and the stupid shield began falling out and it was a pain to put it back on with a screaming baby specially at night. We tried removing the shield but he wouldn't latch and would cry miserably. By Week 3, I was desperate to get rid of the shield as it meant I couldn't nurse peacefully during night or when I went to church. My Mom and I would try different techniques to make him latch. Poor Joseph would throw up a fight each time. I was ready to give up but my Mom insisted that we teach him to latch and finally by Week 4, my baby learned to latch and we said bye to the shield.
  • By Week 4, my baby had learned to latch but my nipples became sore and the pain was unbearable. I was ready to throw in the towel. I would be in tears each time he nursed and I was worried he wasn't getting enough milk. Finally, we decided to visit a Lactation Consultant. She corrected his latch and showed me a good position to nurse. She said my supply was really good and he was gaining really well. He weighed 7lbs 7oz. Thankfully, my nipples hadn't cracked and so I didn't need any medication. Looking back, I shouldn't have waited until Week 4 to visit the Lactation Consultant. I thought breastfeeding would be a breeze. In fact, I never read any book or took classes on Breast Feeding. Big Mistake! I thought I would somehow figure it out with my Mom to help. Wrong! There was a limit to what my Mom could do in teaching me and I get upset with all the advice from Mom and MIL.
  • Somewhere around Week 4, Joseph began crying more and he wanted to be held all the time. We desperately called the Pediatrician's office. The culprit was Gas! My poor one would cry so much and everyone would try different tricks to calm him down like burping, putting him in the car seat and so on. DH didn't want to give him Gripe Water without asking his dr. I was also hesitant to give him the Pacifier before he turned one month. However, my Mom insisted and we gave him the Pacifier 2 days before he turned 4 weeks. My baby was so much calmer and he wasn't screaming so much. At his one month appointment, he weighed 8lbs 7oz and his doctor said we could try Mylicon and Gripe Water for Gas. Of course, we tried Gripe Water after a few days but it didn't really help. I was alarmed by the amount of sweetener used in it.
  • By Week 5, Joseph was coughing a lot. He would spit up and there would be mucus in it. The cough was scary enough to make us visit his dr. The doctor found no problems and thought it was reflux which was making him cough. The cough went away after a few days. That's when I began noticing how Joseph was spitting up milk many times a day and he would seemed to be in pain. The doctor thought it was Acid Reflux. I have been doing a lot of research on reflux. I am trying to avoiding Dairy. Also, there seems to be a problem with oversupply which is making him spit up.We hold him upright for 30 minutes after feeding him but I guess we need to put him on medication before it gets worse.
Overall, my sweet one is a happy baby. Even on days, he is gassy or spitting up a lot, he doesn't fuss much. The best part is that he sleeps well at night. The first few weeks, he slept in his crib but when he turned gassy and was crying, I moved him to our bed by Week 4. Best decision ever! I was scared the first few days to sleep next to him but now I love it. I love sleeping with my little Joseph next to me and it is so easy to check on him when he spits up or coughs. Also, things have settled down over here and these days I nap when he naps. I don't worry about things that need to be done. I know time is flying and that I will never get another chance to be with my newborn who is soon outgrowing his NB cloths.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

And There Was Joseph

On June 2nd, we welcomed our precious little miracle "Joseph". Thank you my dear Jesus, Mama Mary, St. Gerard, St. Gianna, St. Joseph and all the saints for interceding for us. My water broke on June 1st and after 36 hours, Joseph arrived weighing 5 lbs 15oz. He was born two weeks before his due date but has been perfect in every way. I haven't felt so much joy in my life and I haven't cried so much. The tears haven't stopped. Each time I hold our little Joseph in my hands, my heart overflows with gratitude.

This all seems surreal to me. Being a mother to a tiny, little one is certainly amazing and exhausting. I always fear that I am going to mess up my role as a new mother. I still can't believe that Joseph grew in my womb for nine months. Those nine months were so special. I can never forget how we prayed for our little one every single day, how our hearts filled with joy at those little kicks and movements. I wasn't even prepared for labor and delivery. After all, I thought I would go past 40 weeks as I never had any contractions. I still had plenty of stuff to do before he arrived but God had other plans. My water broke when I least expected and so I had very little time to worry about labor. I had to get to the hospital and once we were there, I knew we were going to meet him soon. My anxiety went away and I was ready to meet our miracle.

I will never forget the moment when they placed him on my abdomen. I have never cried so much in my life. Those tiny hands and feet, wide open eyes all clinging onto me. It was as if time was standing still.

Yesterday, Joseph was baptized and welcomed into the Church. What a great blessing from God. We had always prayed that our baby would be baptized and God has blessed us abundantly. Thank You Lord for everything that you have done for us! Our hearts overflow with joy and gratitude.

Deo Gratias!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Six Years

On Memorial Day, we celebrated our 6th Wedding Anniversary. Our first anniversary as 3 instead of 2. Thank You my dear Lord! I feel so humbled and unworthy for this great gift from God. After being so used to celebrating every anniversary as 2, this time it felt so different.

The last week was really crazy over here. Remember how I told things were going so well over here. My in-laws came last Tuesday and then we were packing our stuff to move to a bigger place. By Thursday evening I had a back ache which wouldn't go away. By midnight the pain was radiating to my abdomen. I knew these weren't contractions as it was a strong, continuous pain. I called my doctor at 3am and they wanted us to get to L&D. They had me admitted for a few hours during which I had a few irregular contractions but I was only 1cm dilated. The pain got so horrible that I couldn't stand or walk and I was in tears. However we had to go home since it wasn't true labor. It could have been the baby's position. I came home and took pain killers and rested the entire day. By Saturday morning, I was much better. I had a few contractions on some nights but it would go away after some time.

I have another ultrasound and Non Stress Test tomorrow. 37 weeks and so ready to meet this sweet baby. The funny thing is we have never been able to get a 3d picture of the little one's face in spite of all the weekly ultrasounds. Baby likes to cover his face with his/her little hands. Hmmm looks like we need to wait patiently for 3 more weeks. No more previews for Dad & Mom!

I will be praying for all of you as we wait for this little miracle and please keep us in your prayers. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Final Stretch

It's been a long while since I posted something here. Things are going pretty well over here only that I have been ridiculously busy. I am 36 weeks pregnant! I cannot believe that I am just 4 weeks away from my due date. I have tears of joy and gratitude when I think of this precious gift from God. I am sometimes so ready to meet this little one and on other days I feel I have a million things to do. I love being pregnant and I will sure miss this wonderful feeling. I am so thankful to God. I hope and pray that our little one will continue growing and be born safely into this world.

Life is going to be hectic the next few weeks. We are moving to a bigger place. My in-laws are here and my parents will be here in 2 weeks. We have finished buying most of the things needed for the baby but my to do list never seems to end. I am still trying to find a nursing friendly dress for our baby's baptism which will be in the end of June.

I am praying for all of you. Please leave me your intenions so that I can pray for you these last few weeks. Deo Gratias!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Third Trimester and Pregnancy Related Questions

I have entered the third trimester. Hurray! We had an ultrasound and OB appt yesterday. The fluid levels have gone up to12.1 from 9.8 and so that is one thing less to worry about. The little one was head down yesterday and I hope it stays that way. Yay! I kind of had an intuition that the baby had flipped because my upper abdomen was no longer hard since last week.

My iron level was low and the OB recommended taking Iron Supplements daily. We are scheduled for weekly Non Stress Tests from Week 30. Now that I am in my third trimester, I have lot of doubts and not to mention anxiety. I had plenty of questions for my OB.

I asked my doctor what are the chances of being induced before my due date because of gestational diabetes. She said they usually allow women to go beyond 40 weeks and only induce by Week 41, unless the sugar levels get uncontrollable. So that was kind of reassuring. Some of my friends told me that I would be induced by Week 38 as the baby would get bigger in size beyond that, which made me kind of nervous. My Mom & MIL also thought 38 weeks was full term and 40 was too far away! Come on Ladies, please don't confuse me. The most ridiculous question I heard was from a relative as to whether I was planning to have an elective C-Section. What!!! Why do I need to schedule a c-section? Yes, I know we have waited for 6 years for this precious little one but that doesn't mean that I want to put myself under unnecessary procedures.

I am still undecided about attending Birthing Classes. Our hospital offers paid classes but I am not sure if it's really going to help. DH gets dizzy at the sight of blood and so I don't want to torture him with gory visuals. I also watched "The Business of Being Born" and liked the idea of home birth. I have a high risk pregnancy and so we will need to use a OB/Gyn and Hospital. Midwives and home deliveries are not going to work. However, I don't want unnecessary medical intervention if that is possible. That's something to discuss with my doctors and possibly find out while touring the hospital. I have borrowed a few DVDs from the library and am hoping it helps.

I still don't know if I can do a natural birth or if I will be going the epidural route. Most of the ladies I have spoken to talk about how easy epidural is and so on, but I am worried about the possible side effects like spinal headaches. I know that I have plenty of time to decide and what finally matters is that the little one arrives safely.

I haven't packed a hospital bag yet and there are friends who have told that I should be always prepared because labor could happen anytime. Hmmm, I don't think it is all that important and I honestly don't have the energy to do it right away. Must be the low iron !! ;)

During the second trimester, I didn't do any shopping but now I have started ordering stuff for the baby. I don't want to overdo it. In India, people don't even buy essentials for the baby before birth. They usually do it after the baby is born but things are slowly beginning to change. Ladies, any suggestions as to what the absolute essentials are and the stuff you loved. We are planning to get a Mini Crib since the little one will be in our room. We don't decorate Nurseries or have baby showers. Baby co-sleeps with Mama. I understand it is very different here in the US.

My parents and in-laws will be staying with us for at least four months. We will baptizing our little one within a week or two of birth which means the grandparents need to be here. Since they are traveling all the way from India, they will be here for a while. I hope I don't lose my sanity by the end of four months. :) Well, it's a nice opportunity to grow in humility & patience. I hope and pray God gives me the grace and strength to handle two families at the same time.

Friday, March 21, 2014

28 Weeks and Still Here

I am back after a long hiatus! I have wanted to update my blog for a while but things became a little busy around here and I lost my interest for blogging. My Mom was with me for four months and she returned the beginning of this month since I had been doing well for sometime now.

Coming to this amazing gift God has given us.... I will be 28 Weeks next Tuesday which means I will be entering the Third trimester. Thank You Lord Jesus for your great mercy. So far things have been going smoothly except for a a few minor worries. We transferred my OB care to a place near home when I completed 20 weeks. I like the new place but I still prefer my NaPro OB to any other doctor.

During the 22 week appointment, the new OB got worried seeing my history and all the meds I was taking or had taken in the past. She was worried as I tested borderline positive for Anti Phospholipid Antibodies during our visit to Dr.KK in 2012. She felt it could cause problems such as the placenta detaching from the uterus or clots forming in the placenta. All this was enough to stress us out. She referred me to a Maternal Fetal Specialist for a second opinion. The MFM doctor went through my history and suggested repeating bloodwork for APA but he felt things looked normal since baby's growth was on track. He suggested getting monthly ultrasounds. One thing he insisted was stopping the PIO, suppositories and HCG. He felt it could harm the a baby as there weren't enough studies. We just politely listened to his suggestions. Thankfully, none of the OBs pestered us about stopping the shots.

We went in for another ultrasound at 24 weeks. This time our baby was head up (breech) and was curled up into a ball with feet over face. Poor baby! I am sure that wasn't the most comfortable position. Baby was head-down during the 20 week ultrasound and I thought that was how it was going to be till the end. Well, I was wrong! The tech told that my fluid was a little low something around 9.1 when they usually like to see it above 10. OB suggested increasing my fluid intake and told us it wasn't concerning but asked us to come back in 2 weeks.

We went in for another ultrasound at 26 weeks. The fluid level had increased slightly. Gone up to 9.8 but still borderline low. And guess what - the naughty little one was still head up and curled into a ball. We go back for another ultrasound on Tuesday. How I wish the fluid levels will be normal. I will be having weekly Non Stress Tests and Biophysical Profiles from Week 30. I am glad for all the extra monitoring they are doing. It sure can be stressful but the ultrasounds are an added relief even though we end up paying $50 copay each time. My Gestational Diabetes is under control with the Metformin and diet but that is another reason why my OB has put me under the high risk pregnancy category. Some days, I just can't follow the diet and I eat whatever I can keep down but that is ok I guess.

I have been feeling the baby move from 22 weeks. It wasn't all that regular and I would get tensed when the baby wouldn't move on some days. However, from Week 24, the little one decided to kick and move around regularly. I am so glad because it is such a reassurance. The little one is active in the evenings usually around 7pm when we pray our family rosary. Guess the sweet one likes praying! :)

Just 3 more months till my due date or 12 weeks. I still cannot believe that I am pregnant and there is a baby growing in my womb. We give you thanks Lord for every second of our baby's life. Please continue praying for us that the third trimester continues to go smoothly and that we will get this meet this sweet little one.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Crossing the Halfway Milestone

I have completed 21 weeks! It's hard to believe that I have crossed the halfway mark. Words cannot describe my gratitude to God. When I was 7 weeks pregnant and hooked onto IV antibiotics, 20 weeks seemed so far away. I didn't know if I would make it to that milestone but God has been so merciful. Of course, the days seemed to crawl and I didn't feel pregnant at all. My only relief was the weekly appointments which showed a growing baby. When we saw our baby for the first time on ultrasound at 5w2d, my EDD of June 17th seemed years away. I still remember how I carefully hid all the magazines and booklets I got for my first OB appt. I didn't want to bother looking at nursery stuff, baby essentials and so on. I couldn't risk another heartache and so I kept my heart guarded at all times.

As 2014 began, things became a little better. I had a small bump even though it looked more like a big belly. My doctor assured me that things were looking good and  as she gave me the date for the big ultrasound, I realized that I wasn't dreaming. There was a little one in my womb even though I couldn't feel movements yet. A few days before the ultrasound, I began wondering for the first time if we had enough room for baby in our master bedroom. I began visializing how our room would look like with a crib. I made a note of measurements for the first time. I also began having an intuition about the baby's gender but it turned out to be wrong!

We had the Anomaly Scan when I completed 19 weeks. It felt surreal to see the little one moving around after nearly 6 weeks. We wanted to keep the gender a surprise for our family and my Mom was there in the ultrasound room. The tech asked us to turn away as she looked at the gender. Baby wasn't cooperating much and the tech poked and prodded my tummy to the point where it hurt. After half an hour, she told us to come back for another ultrasound the following week as she needed to get one more measurement. As we left, she handed us the envelope with the gender. I will never forget our excitement as we later found out the baby's gender. We had names for our baby decided the very first month. I was so emotional when my husband began calling our sweet little one by name. I was overwhelmed and so thankful at the same time. My heart was bursting with so much love for our little one. My fears seemed so real now that we had made it so far. All the "What Ifs?" ran through my head but DH reminded me to pray without ceasing and to be joyful. How can I thank my dear Lord and our Blessed Mother for this great gift?

We had another ultrasound at 20 weeks and this time I drank some juice. Baby was active and the tech was happy. We met our wonderful NaPro doctor after the ultrasound. I am transferring my OB Care to another group near home. We will definitely miss our NaPro OB who is so caring & compassionate. I have the first appt with my new OB next monday and I will be 22 weeks. Hoping that everything will go smoothly at the appt.  JBTC gave me her home doppler and we have been able to hear our baby's heartbeat a few times. A bit difficult to find the heartbeat at times but it has definitely helped a lot with my anxiety. By the way, I have an anterior placenta which means it will be a while before I feel the kicks. I have gained nearly 20 lbs in 20 weeks. I don't feel pregnant at all which is a bit strange. I don't feel fatigued or anything of that sort. My only symptom is that I am growing in size. :) I am thankful that I feel well specially after only that happened during the first trimester. God is so gracious! I am praying for a continued safe and healthy pregnancy if it's His will. Just four more months to go.. Wow!!!

Friday, January 17, 2014

Oh Blood Sugar!

Did I tell you how I failed the one hour glucose test at my 16 weeks appt.? My NaPro doctor is intelligent! She figured with my Insulin Resistance and after being on Prednisone for 3 months, my
Blood sugar levels would be high. Well it was true! I tested myself at home four times every day and the levels were high if I ate too many carbs. I have Gestational Diabetes and so I have begun appts at the Diabetic Clinic.

The good thing is that I have been eating much better than how I used to. Less carbs and plenty of protein. The first three months I loaded myself with Rice, Pasta and the occasional sweet treats. It wasn't doing any good to my body and my weight increased rapidly. Now that I am following their diet, my sugar levels are in control which means I cannot indulge in food. No more sugar in my milk! No more fruit juices! I am surprised that I have been able to give up these habits. I couldn't give up sugar on the anti-inflammatory diet but now I can give it up for my baby. I just hope that I don't have to do insulin shots along the road as glucose levels tend to shoot around week 24.

The last few weeks, I was having so much anxiety that the baby wasn't moving. We heard our sweet one's heartbeat last week and it was such a relief. My dr. assured me it was normal not to feel movement until 20-22 weeks. A sweet blogger is sending me her home doppler which should be a huge relief.

Now the most exciting part. We are having our big ultrasound on Monday! Just 2 more days until we get to see our little one. I will be 19 weeks on Monday. Wow! I cannot believe it. The Lord has brought us so far when we don't deserve anything. Praying that everything turns out well on Monday! I am so excited but can't help being a little nervous. We had our last ultrasound at 13 weeks. So it's going to be 2 months since we saw our baby. We love you so much and can't wait to see you.

I have been praying for all of you specially for all of you who are waiting. May our Lord comfort you and fill you with his peace.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Fears & Worries

I know I haven't blogged much about my fears and worries during this pregnancy. I am so thankful to God for this beautiful gift. I am so unworthy and will never understand God's ways. This pregnancy hasn't been all that easy but we are so grateful to God for giving us the graces we need.

The first few weeks were spent in lots of tears when I had bleeding and was told that I was at high risk for miscarriage because of a SCH. God helped us miraculously and at each ultrasound, we saw a growing baby with a strong heartbeat. By 10 weeks, I no longer had any bleeding.

Then at 13 weeks, I fell sick with the Flu. I was worried that the flu would hurt my baby's health. Thankfully, we survived the 3 long weeks of illness. There were days I wish I wasn't sick but then I knew it was again God who was in control and not me.

And on Christmas eve, I had abdominal cramps and lower backache. It was enough to fill us all with fear. I almost made up my mind to go to the ER. Thankfully, the cramps went away by Christmas day.    

The last few days I started worrying that my baby wasn't moving. I have felt a few twitches a few times from around 13 weeks. I really don't know if these twitches are actually the baby moving or something else like the uterus expanding. I was in tears today morning because of anxiety even though I knew it was too early to feel the baby's movement at 16 weeks. I tried praying and offering up my anxiety. I felt a little better after that. I need to wait till next Friday's appointment. I am a bundle of nerves and definitely need prayers.

Each day is a miracle but I am living in perpetual fear. I trust Jesus but how I wish we would get to meet our little one and bring him/her to the baptismal font. Oh Jesus, have mercy on us. I pray that we would get to baptize our baby and raise our child here for God 's kingdom. God 's will be done because in his infinite wisdom he knows what's best.