Wednesday, March 23, 2011

God has strengthened us through another Loss

Yes, God has strengthened us through another loss. I am so thankful for all your prayers. We have been strengthened in a special way and feel so much at peace.

The ultrasound on Monday revealed a thickened endometrium with no gestational sac. My ovaries looked normal and they didn't see any fluids, and so they ruled out an ectopic pregnancy. Praise be to God!

After the ultrasound, my doc confirmed our suspicions of another miscarriage due to the low levels of HCG. I am thankful to God for leading us to such a kind-hearted doctor. God bless her soul! She was full of compassion when she told us that I had miscarried. Perhaps it was her compassion which made me so emotional and I cried like a baby. I am so thankful for my DH who had come with me. He held my hands while I cried. I felt so embarrassed for crying in front of my doctor but sometimes..........

She told us that she didn't have answers and that we would need to see an Infertility Specialist to know why my body has been rejecting the fetus and not been able to sustain pregnancies. I love her because she was frank and didn't give us false hopes. I love her because she wasn't insensitive like my previous doctor who insisted that Chemical Pregnancies are very common and that we shouldn't worry. I love her because she didn't ask me to continue the miracle drug "Clomid". She wanted me to do a few blood tests for RPL and and she will be giving us the referral for an RE. Before she walked away, she said she will pray for us. How often can you hear that from your doctor? Even when I had the emergency surgery for my ectopic, neither the doctors nor the hospital staff mentioned anything about prayer.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to some dark brown bleeding. By afternoon, it had changed to Red bleeding accompanied with severe cramps. I have been offering up all my sufferings to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. My doctor had told me to expect the bleeding to start in 3-5 days but I am thankful that I didn't have to wait for more than a day.

Soon after our wedding, I told my DH that I wanted 4 children. :-) How silly of me but if only I knew what was in store for us. And now I have realized that we indeed have 4 little ones in heaven who are praying for us.

This Lent has become so much more meaningful through our sufferings. Our families and friends have been praying for us and God has definitely turned all those prayers into immense grace. We have grown closer to God through prayers and Scripture Reading. We are so much at peace and can feel God working in our lives. We were filled with despair when we had our previous losses but we have so much of hope after this loss. We are not questioning God as to why this has happened. We know that our future is secure in God's hands. We needn't worry as he has seen our minds and souls in depth.

Mother Mary, please continue interceding for us that we may never ever be separated from your beloved Son Jesus in the moments of trials and tribulations.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Prayers Needed

Today, I got the results of my bloodwork from 18 DPO.
16 DPO HCG - 27.6
18 DPO HCG - 43

As the numbers haven't doubled in 48 hours, the nurse said she isn't quite sure about this pregnancy. It could be an ectopic or an early miscarriage or a normal pregnancy. I have an early ultrasound on Monday to rule out the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy due to the slow rising HCG levels. I will be only 5 weeks on the day of ultrasound and I don't know what to expect. Isn't it too early to find a gestational sac?

Please pray for us to our dear Lord. I know the Lord won't give us anything more than we can handle but the anxiety is tearing me apart. I am offering up all my worries to Jesus. There is nothing we can do other than patiently wait and pray. Mother Mary, please pray for us. I don't know if I can handle another ectopic. I feel so weak. I am trusting in the Lord's divine mercy and love. I request my Prayer Buddy to pray for us now more than before.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Thy Will Be Done

Sometimes, it's so difficult to trust in the Lord when you have had repeated losses. And yet, you hope for a miracle because nothing is impossible for him.

After getting faint HPTs from 11 DPO to 15 DPO, I finally had my blood drawn yesterday. It was 16 DPO. I had so much of hope amidst all my fears. Today the nurse called me with the results.
HCG - 27.6
Progesterone - 13.4

I knew the HCG levels would be low but never did I imagine it to be this low... I started getting severe stomach cramps this afternoon. I am at a loss for words. My heart aches so much. I just wish the days would pass quickly. I need to go in for another blood draw tomorrow. I seem to have grown weary of crying.

I know that the Lord is merciful and he will answer our prayers someday. I have to trust in him because he has a bigger plan for us.
I am praying ardently for my Prayer Buddy and I know that the Lord will bring immense good out of our sufferings.

Father, thy will be done. Be with me, O lord, in my greatest heart ache. Give me the grace to embrace my cross and carry it with perfect patience.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Progesterone Levels

My Progesterone on 7 DPO was 12.6 and my Doc said the numbers were good. I am so confused. I have read that the numbers should be above 20 for a medicated cycle. Since I was on Clomid this cycle, does it mean that my levels are low. Could it be the reason why I have been getting very faint positives. Do I need to supplement with Progesterone?

Praying and hoping for the best!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Can I Hope?

Last evening after returning home from Mass, I had promised myself that I would wait until 14 DPO to take a HPT. When I woke up this morning, I forgot everything and had a strong urge to test although it was only 11 DPO. I dipped the strip in FMU and waited for how long I don't remember. I knew it was going to be negative and so I walked out and poured out my heart to the Lord. After a while, I came back and to my surprise, there was a very faint line. I couldn't believe it. I showed the strip to DH and he agreed there was a very faint line but he asked me to wait until it was clearly dark.

I had a difficult time thinking clearly and a thousand questions played in my mind.
What if it's an evaporation line???
What if the tests don't get darker like the last time???
What if it ends in an early m/c?
Should I run to the store and get a few more tests to confirm?

Oh my Dear Lord, I am so confused & worried. My heart is breaking to know if I have conceived or not. I don't have the patience to wait for a few more days. I need to trust in you Lord but somehow I feel so helpless. My Luteal Phase is usually 14 days. Should I wait to see if my period begins or not? Should I get a Beta HCG ?The last time, I tested positive from 12 DPO but the lines never darkened till 17 DPO. I had Beta draws and the levels dropped drastically and the doc said it was an Early Miscarriage.

I have no symptoms thus far and it frightens me so much. I wish every bit of my body ached. I want to dream that this is the cycle that I have waited for... I want to hope that I will have a baby in my arms in another 9 months. I want to know that my baby has implanted well and is safe in my womb. Oh Jesus! Your will be done. Oh my dear Mother, please pray for us! Have mercy on us O Lord! Please give me the courage to accept your will. I thank you for all the blessings you have showered on us.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Clomid Ultrasound Update

After taking 50mg Clomid from CD3 to CD7, I went in for my ultrasound on CD 13. I had been using OPKs from CD10 and hadn't detected a surge. The U/S revealed :
  • Left Ovary - 20 mm follicle
  • Right Ovary - 3 or 4 follicles which looked good (don't know the size)
My doc walked in with a great smile and assured me that I would be ovulating "soon" from my left side (the side with the remaining tube) because of the 20mm follicle. When I told her that I still hadn't got a OPK+, she was surprised and asked me to continue testing for a day or 2 and not to forget to BD every other day. So, I assumed I would be ovulating on CD14 or 15 and continued using OPKs and BD-ing. Hmmm.. I was wrong. I ovulated only on CD 18. I wonder how big the 20mm follicle would have been when I finally ovulated. 28mm? 30mm???

I had severe lower back pain for a couple of days around OV. The pain was so severe that I thought I had sprained my back. I couldn't walk or bend. I still don't know if it was the CLOMID.

I also went in for a Progesterone draw 7 days past ovulation. Waiting for the results. My pre-ovulatory temps were higher than usual this cycle but my post-ov temps are still lurking around. Nothing remarkable!

On a different note, my husband's family and my family have been reciting the "Apostles' Creed" daily for 33 times. It needs to be recited for 33 days. Perhaps it signifies the 33 years of Jesus life. Hubby & I have joined in and as we recite the Creed, I have realized how meaningful each word is. Can any prayer be more powerful than professing our Catholic faith?

"I believe in God the Father Almighty... " Yes, I do believe firmly.