Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Our Ninth Baby who we never got to meet

There were so many days I wanted to write about something on this blog. After infertility, miscarriages and a successful pregnancy, I didn't want this blog to become a Mommy blog. I knew I would have something to update once we began trying for another baby again. Little did I know that I would go onto have another devastating loss - another ectopic pregnancy.

My very first pregnancy loss was an ectopic and I lost my right fallopian tube after it ruptured. It was the hardest thing I experienced both physically as well as emotionally. Imfertility and miscarriages defined the next several years. God led us to Napro and a good reproductive immunologist who helped us carry our miracle baby to term.

Even before Joseph turned 6 months, all I could think of was conceiving again and having another precious little one. Since I was breastfeeding, I had to wait till my little one weaned before I could get  back on medications. We met with our Napro dr and I got back on progesterone and Metformin. We were not avoiding after my cycles returned postpartum. By the end of last year, we moved to Canada. It was a stressful period for us - new country, husband's new job, finding a place to rent and so on. We also went on a vacation to India since our relatives had not yet met Joseph. By Feb of this year, we got settled in our new home and new city. There was a long wait to see a Napro doctor but I got my first appointment for April.

On April 6th, I had a positive HPT faint as always. Thus began a long and heart wrenching journey to find that our 9th baby was not growing in my womb but elsewhere. We met with the new Napro dr who helped us a lot in making the right decisions. After 6 ultrasounds, there was no fetal pole or gestational sac to be seen. It was determined that the baby had not grown but the placental cells that had attached to my tube were producing hcg. I got Methotrexate the beginning of May. I had followups for 4 weeks before hcg levels went to non-pregnant levels. Those 2 months felt hopeless in so many ways. I didn't know why God was asking this kind of suffering again. I fought with my husband at the smallest remark. We were stretched beyond our limits and let me tell you it was God alone who sustained ohr marriage during this difficult time. The emotional guilt, the doubts, the fear of death and so many anxieties loomed around me.

Now that it is behind me and things are somewhat normal, I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from me. I have felt peace and comfort and even joy knowing that the worst is over for now. Of course, I don't want to think about the future because we are not guaranteed a life free of suffering. The desire to have children is so strong but I don't know if I can handle another loss emotionally. I'm always grateful to God for our beautiful 2 year old son who is the light of our lives.



3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers for you as you start back on the journey to trying to conceive again.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I've struggled with primary infertility for 6 years, and I also suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and lost my right tube. I know the feelings you've expressed well. The guilt, fear, doubt, anger and sadness are very powerful, even when we don't want to have those feelings. In the immediate aftermath, I felt guilty for having survived. It helped to remind myself that God willed me specifically to live in this time and place. I hope God will bless you with peace and hope going forward.

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