Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Another Ultrasound & Dissapointment

Yesterday, I went in to my NaPro doctor's office for my Day 13 Midcycle Ultrasound to check my follicles. I somehow knew that I had bad news in store. There were 2 measly follicles - 12mm on my left and 10 mm on my right. So looks like my body has stopped responding to Clomid after one cycle! After seeing a 23mm follicle last cycle, I had hopes that 50mg Clomid would continue to work this cycle.

I told her that I had a late Peak Day (Cd 17) on my last Clomid cycle and she was surprised because most people ovulate on Day 14. She was even more surprised that I had 4-5 days of Fertile CM the last cycle inspite of being on Clomid!

When she asked me to come in again on CD 17 or 18 for another ultrasound, I almost lost it. Seeing how skeptical I was, she told me that if I didn't see any Fertile CM over the next few days, I didn't have to come in for another ultrasound because it would indicate that my body wouldn't be ovulating. And then she would double the Clomid dosage.

I hate you Clomid for giving me such terrible headaches! I hate you for not making me ovulate! I feel like giving up. But then I need to find out something that will work for my body. I wish and pray that I would see some Fertile CM over the next few days and that I would ovulate even if it's a bit late. Better than having an anovulatory Cycle on Clomid!

Inspite of all this, I am not going to be disappointed & hopeless unlike the previous cycles because I know that it's not my will but the Will of my Father in Heaven. And I have realized I have zero control over all the things that happen in my life. I will continue praying for a child but I know that God knows what's best for us and he may not answer my prayers in the way I want. I know there will be days and nights filled with tears but I pray for strength to endure this suffering for as long as God wills. And I am offering up this small suffering for my Prayer Buddy and all Bloggers who continue to wait.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

A Broken Heart

Today is CD2 and the failure of yet another cycle breaks my heart. I thought Clomid would do the trick. Why not? I had a lovely 23mm follicle on my left ovary. I had so much hope only to be crushed seeing negative HPTs day after day until AF arrived. I feel I have reached a road block. I don't know what else I need to do to fix this broken body and even more my broken heart. Lord, I surrender to you my pain and anguish. Please heal my broken heart.

The wounds inflicted by Infertility are so deep. Day after day, something new comes to deepen the pain and anguish of infertility. The other day, I was speaking with my parents regarding my younger sister's wedding. In India arranged marriages are the norm and my parents have been trying to find a suitable guy for my sister. My dad was speaking with the father of a prospective guy and he was heart-broken when the guy's dad asked him why I didn't have kids after 3.5 years of marriage. This is not the first time this has happened. Whenever a marriage proposal comes for my sister, many are curious as to why we don't have kids and many don't want to proceed because of this ONE REASON. Oh my dear Jesus, I am ready to accept whatever you have in store for us but I don't want my Infertility to affect my sister's life in any way. I don't know why in the world anyone would assume that if I am infertile, my sister would be too. I pray daily to God to send her a guy who would be ready to accept her regardless of whether I am fertile or not. My heart is wounded and I am overcome with grief. Have mercy on me Lord!

We have been planning a vacation to India to visit our family. I was discussing our vacation plans with my dad and he told me that I should consider visiting an Infertility Clinic while we are in India. I was shocked and didn't know how to respond because Infertility Clinics are associated with IVF and IUIs. I didn't want to hurt him. So I changed the topic. Maybe he doesn't know what happens at Infertility Clinics. Maybe he doesn't know that IVF isn't morally acceptable. Maybe he is desperate for us. Nevertheless, it wasn't something I expected to hear from my dad. I fear going on a vacation. I dread facing family and relatives and the numerous questions they are going to ask with regards to infertility. Lord, give me the strength to endure everything for your sake.

I was researching Adoption and if it would be possible for us to adopt a child from India. We will have to leave DH's job and go back to India and stay there for atleast 2 years before we can initiate anything related to adoption. We will not be able to adopt as long as we are here in the US. One part of me wants to go to Omaha to get NaPro treatment even if it means spending everything we have. Another part of me wants to leave everything and go back to India. I don't know what God wants us to do but I do pray that he shows us the path we need to choose.

This month is bittersweet in many ways. One year ago, I had conceived and miscarried in November. If I had not miscarried, I would have had a sweet 3 month old baby in my arms. And with the baby I had conceived in March, I would be nearing my due date in a few days. Nine months have gone by and I have an empty womb and arms. My heart aches and I am filled with grief.

I am glad and thankful to God for giving me a husband who loves and supports me whatever be the situation. I don't know what I would have done without him. I pray that God would give us the strength to carry this cross.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Ovulation Worries (Updated)

After seeing a 23mm follicle on Day 13, I hoped that I would have a textbook perfect ovulation on CD 14. Today is CD 17 and my temps haven't spiked inspite of getting OPK+ on CD 14. My temperature normally rises on P+1. I had 4 days of Fertile Mucus (10CK and 10KL) starting from CD 13. Thankfully, Clomid didn't dry out my mucus though I observed a little less mucus compared to my previous cycles where I would have 7-8 days of mucus. I am freaking out and worried that I haven't ovulated and that my follicle would have turned into a giant cyst! How I wish my body would cooperate. I am tired of all the BD-ing and seeing fertile mucus day after day. I hope & pray that I would be Post Peak soon.

Maybe this explains my long cycles & underlying ovulation problem. Probably, I should get an ultrasound series done to monitor ovulation. I hope & pray that this cycle won't be a bust. Lord, I know I need to be patient on this earthly journey. You know what is good for me. Help me to trust in you completely.

From what I have read, with LUFS you get positive OPKs and and a clear thermal shift indicating all signs of ovulation and sometimes your post-peak phase can go beyond 18 days making you wonder if you are pregnant. The only way to find out for sure is an Ultrasound Series.

My temperature spiked on Day 18. Atleast looks like my mucus has dried up and I am Post-Peak. Now only if I knew whether I ovulated or not!