Today is CD2 and the failure of yet another cycle breaks my heart. I thought Clomid would do the trick. Why not? I had a lovely 23mm follicle on my left ovary. I had so much hope only to be crushed seeing negative HPTs day after day until AF arrived. I feel I have reached a road block. I don't know what else I need to do to fix this broken body and even more my broken heart. Lord, I surrender to you my pain and anguish. Please heal my broken heart.
The wounds inflicted by Infertility are so deep. Day after day, something new comes to deepen the pain and anguish of infertility. The other day, I was speaking with my parents regarding my younger sister's wedding. In India arranged marriages are the norm and my parents have been trying to find a suitable guy for my sister. My dad was speaking with the father of a prospective guy and he was heart-broken when the guy's dad asked him why I didn't have kids after 3.5 years of marriage. This is not the first time this has happened. Whenever a marriage proposal comes for my sister, many are curious as to why we don't have kids and many don't want to proceed because of this ONE REASON. Oh my dear Jesus, I am ready to accept whatever you have in store for us but I don't want my Infertility to affect my sister's life in any way. I don't know why in the world anyone would assume that if I am infertile, my sister would be too. I pray daily to God to send her a guy who would be ready to accept her regardless of whether I am fertile or not. My heart is wounded and I am overcome with grief. Have mercy on me Lord!
We have been planning a vacation to India to visit our family. I was discussing our vacation plans with my dad and he told me that I should consider visiting an Infertility Clinic while we are in India. I was shocked and didn't know how to respond because Infertility Clinics are associated with IVF and IUIs. I didn't want to hurt him. So I changed the topic. Maybe he doesn't know what happens at Infertility Clinics. Maybe he doesn't know that IVF isn't morally acceptable. Maybe he is desperate for us. Nevertheless, it wasn't something I expected to hear from my dad. I fear going on a vacation. I dread facing family and relatives and the numerous questions they are going to ask with regards to infertility. Lord, give me the strength to endure everything for your sake.
I was researching Adoption and if it would be possible for us to adopt a child from India. We will have to leave DH's job and go back to India and stay there for atleast 2 years before we can initiate anything related to adoption. We will not be able to adopt as long as we are here in the US. One part of me wants to go to Omaha to get NaPro treatment even if it means spending everything we have. Another part of me wants to leave everything and go back to India. I don't know what God wants us to do but I do pray that he shows us the path we need to choose.
This month is bittersweet in many ways. One year ago, I had conceived and miscarried in November. If I had not miscarried, I would have had a sweet 3 month old baby in my arms. And with the baby I had conceived in March, I would be nearing my due date in a few days. Nine months have gone by and I have an empty womb and arms. My heart aches and I am filled with grief.
I am glad and thankful to God for giving me a husband who loves and supports me whatever be the situation. I don't know what I would have done without him. I pray that God would give us the strength to carry this cross.