Thursday, November 17, 2011

A Broken Heart

Today is CD2 and the failure of yet another cycle breaks my heart. I thought Clomid would do the trick. Why not? I had a lovely 23mm follicle on my left ovary. I had so much hope only to be crushed seeing negative HPTs day after day until AF arrived. I feel I have reached a road block. I don't know what else I need to do to fix this broken body and even more my broken heart. Lord, I surrender to you my pain and anguish. Please heal my broken heart.

The wounds inflicted by Infertility are so deep. Day after day, something new comes to deepen the pain and anguish of infertility. The other day, I was speaking with my parents regarding my younger sister's wedding. In India arranged marriages are the norm and my parents have been trying to find a suitable guy for my sister. My dad was speaking with the father of a prospective guy and he was heart-broken when the guy's dad asked him why I didn't have kids after 3.5 years of marriage. This is not the first time this has happened. Whenever a marriage proposal comes for my sister, many are curious as to why we don't have kids and many don't want to proceed because of this ONE REASON. Oh my dear Jesus, I am ready to accept whatever you have in store for us but I don't want my Infertility to affect my sister's life in any way. I don't know why in the world anyone would assume that if I am infertile, my sister would be too. I pray daily to God to send her a guy who would be ready to accept her regardless of whether I am fertile or not. My heart is wounded and I am overcome with grief. Have mercy on me Lord!

We have been planning a vacation to India to visit our family. I was discussing our vacation plans with my dad and he told me that I should consider visiting an Infertility Clinic while we are in India. I was shocked and didn't know how to respond because Infertility Clinics are associated with IVF and IUIs. I didn't want to hurt him. So I changed the topic. Maybe he doesn't know what happens at Infertility Clinics. Maybe he doesn't know that IVF isn't morally acceptable. Maybe he is desperate for us. Nevertheless, it wasn't something I expected to hear from my dad. I fear going on a vacation. I dread facing family and relatives and the numerous questions they are going to ask with regards to infertility. Lord, give me the strength to endure everything for your sake.

I was researching Adoption and if it would be possible for us to adopt a child from India. We will have to leave DH's job and go back to India and stay there for atleast 2 years before we can initiate anything related to adoption. We will not be able to adopt as long as we are here in the US. One part of me wants to go to Omaha to get NaPro treatment even if it means spending everything we have. Another part of me wants to leave everything and go back to India. I don't know what God wants us to do but I do pray that he shows us the path we need to choose.

This month is bittersweet in many ways. One year ago, I had conceived and miscarried in November. If I had not miscarried, I would have had a sweet 3 month old baby in my arms. And with the baby I had conceived in March, I would be nearing my due date in a few days. Nine months have gone by and I have an empty womb and arms. My heart aches and I am filled with grief.

I am glad and thankful to God for giving me a husband who loves and supports me whatever be the situation. I don't know what I would have done without him. I pray that God would give us the strength to carry this cross.

14 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. I am in the same situation. Also on CD2. Also at a roadblock. Also wishing I had my two babies here with me now that I lost to miscarriage. It is all so heartbreaking. I will pray for us both that we have guidance and healing.

    As for how to talk to your dad and how to explain things to him, I would recommend the National Catholic Bioethics Center's webpage, www.ncbcenter.org, which has several publications on the ivf topic and the ethical concerns involved.

    And, that is so sad about your sister's potential suitors. From personal experience, just because one sibling has problems, does not mean the others do. Both of my sisters have had children, and all 12 of my husband's siblings have had numerous siblings. Frustrating for me, but good news for your sister. Hopefully, someone with an open mind and a more loving heart will come along.

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  2. I'm so, so sorry about this new cycle. It is so hard to see those negative HPT's. I'll be praying this next cycle for you.
    I'm also so very sorry that it is coming up on the anniversary of your due date. I pray that your babies look down and comfort you.

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  3. I am so sorry for your heartbreak. I have tears running down my face as I read your post. This whole journey is essentially out of our control. Yes, we can make decisions about treatment, adoption, etc but ultimately God is in control. He is with you especially during these heartbreaking moments. You are in my prayers.

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  4. My tears are falling for you. I'm so, so sorry for your heartbreak. I pray that God will show you the right path. I know your angel babies are watching over you.

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  5. So sad right along with you. I hope you feel the comfort only Jesus can give. Thanks for reaching out so that we can pray for you. God Bless You.

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  6. Oh, dear. Not only do you have the burden of IF on you, but you also have the added burden of your sister's potential suitors. I'm so, so sorry. This is a lot for you to carry, and you shouldn't have to carry it at all. Praying for you to have peace, wisdom, and direction for your next step. Did they ever figure out the cause of any of your miscarriages? (sorry I'm not familiar with your medical story at the moment).

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  7. Wow. This is an aspect of IF that has never even crossed my mind... but you are right. Our infertility can affect (and in your case, does affect) our family, too. I cannot imagine how that must have made you feel. I guess I am blessed(???) that none of my sisters' boyfriends have really taken it to heart or let it matter that much to them. Then again, the only one close to re-marriage is the one who already has a daughter from her almost-annulled marriage, so that boyfriend probably thinks he got the "good" fertile sister ;)

    I'm so sorry you are hurting so much right now. I will be praying for you. My CD 2 probably isn't far behind :(

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear about all this. My heart is heavy reading these words that are so heavy on yours. Please know that I am praying for you, 1)that you will find strength and comfort and peace as you 2)pray for God's guidance. Stay strong sweet friend you have many prayers being sent your way.

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  9. Oh my goodness, I've never considered this side of things before. It's so hard with the pressures we put on ourselves, I can't imagine the added pressure from family/suitors. I can relate to others suggesting IVF. I've felt so much pressure to pursue other options. It's hard to feel supported when others don't agree with the path you're taking. Praying the Lord blesses your sister with a compassionate, understanding and supportive husband.

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  10. I am so sorry for your pain. The added family stress is too much. Praying for you. HUGS.

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  12. Oh, I am so sorry for you heartache. I will be praying for you. You have a beautiful heart that must be so pleasing to God.

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  13. I pray you can make a decision in which you will find some peace. I wish God would use the post sometimes. And am so sorry to hear about your aching heart.

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  14. Oh dear, I am so sorry. I agree with what others have said... it varies a lot from sibling to sibling. I have an identical twin who is very fertile. Identical! Praying for your discernment.

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