Thursday, December 29, 2011

When the waiting ends...

Yes, my waiting has come to an end. I was waiting to know what was going on. I was waiting for a big miracle from God. Nothing is impossible with God, right? After the negative HPT on Monday, I didn't give up. I continued testing and again saw another faint line that evening and the following days. So I thought maybe God is going to work a miracle with this pregnancy. I prayed and hoped that my Betas would double miraculously. I even googled for slow-rising HCG and miracle pregnancies.

I was wrong. God has better plans for me. His ways are higher than my ways. My NaPro doctor called me today to tell me that my HCG has fallen to 6. So I can stop the Progesterone and expect the bleeding to start in a few days. My doctor was feeling bad because she doesn't know what more needs to be done. This is it. My waiting has come to an end. I don't have to get prodded with needles every other day to check for Betas. And now I pray that the bleeding starts without much ado. When you know that your pregnancy has ended, there isn't much you can do but hope that you get over with the the bleeding soon. So that you can start a new cycle. A new beginning and some day maybe I will find hope to continue on this journey.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Brokenhearted & Crushed

Yes, that's how I am feeling. Brokenhearted and crushed. I clung onto hope especially when I saw a slightly darker line yesterday. I thought my HCG levels were finally rising. But today P+17 it's over. There were no visible lines on the HPT. And I saw some brown mucus. So I know AF is on it's way.

Lord, have mercy on me. I have failed terribly in this suffering. I am so angry with God. I couldn't focus on Jesus during the Christmas Mass. One minute I would be angry and then I would ask Jesus for forgiveness. This was the worst Christmas for me and I feel so so ashamed because I know how I prayed to God to allow me to suffer for him as long as he willed. And yet, when it was time to suffer, I failed miserably. I am supposed to love God unconditionally be it sickness or suffering and yet I couldn't. I was selfish. I kept on praying for a miracle. All I wanted was a baby.

I don't know what else I need to do. I was on Clomid. I was on Progesterone. I was taking Thyroid medications and Vitamin D. And yet my body has failed me again. When I began NaPro, I had hope that it was the answer to my prayers. But now, I have reached a road block. I have nowhere to go. I have no hope to keep me going. I have lost it.
I don't have an answer to why my HCG levels never go beyond 100.

At this point, I feel there is no point in TTC-ing. I cannot risk losing another pregnancy. Lord, have mercy on me. My dear Mother Mary, I beg you to ask your Son to strengthen me. Please never allow me to be separated from you Jesus. Lord, please give me stronger faith. Please help me to love you unconditionally. And may this suffering bring me closer to you Lord.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Still Waiting

Thank you so much for all your prayers. Words cannot express how thankful I am for all your support.

I pretty much have no updates. Still waiting here. Trusting in the Lord and praying for a miracle.
I took another HPT this morning and the line was barely there. I don't know what it means but I hope and pray that the lines will get darker over the next few days. I will still cling onto hope as long as I see the faintest of faintest line.

I had my blood drawn for the beta and progesterone levels but I wouldn't be getting the results any time soon because the lab and doctors office are all closed for Christmas. The earliest I will get the results is by Tuesday.

My NaPro doctor was so excited when she heard about the positive test. I tried reminding her that the lines were really faint and that I was worried. But she told me not to worry. She said she would call in for PIO shots to the compounding Pharmacy and guess what, the Pharmacy is closed today and Monday. Can it get any better?

I am still taking Progesterone Suppositories 300mg twice a day. That is the best I can do for the next few days. I have been cramping and  feeling like I will start bleeding any minute. I pray for strength to accept God's Will. I don't know how I will make it through the Christmas Eve Mass without being an emotional wreck.

I have been praying for you my Prayer Buddy and for all you wonderful ladies who are waiting to be blessed. I have nothing to offer but the pain and anxiety and fear of the unknown. The worry that I will lose this pregnancy.

Thank you Jesus for giving us another chance. Thank you so much for this great gift of a new life. Our Lady of Guadalupe, thank you so much for giving us this undeserving gift. Jesus, I Trust in You. Please Jesus. Please. If you would give me the chance to carry this baby to term. I beg you Lord. Have mercy on us. Thy Will be done.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Urgent Prayer Request

Prayer Warriors and my Prayer Buddy, I have an urgent prayer request. Today is P+13 and I saw a very very faint line on one of those cheapo HPT strips. I tested again with another strip and the super faint line is still there. I had red bleeding yesterday after intercourse followed by light brown spotting. I am freaking out here. I don't know what is store in me. I have seen faint lines with all my previous miscarriages. I am hoping that this isn't a false positive. And I am praying that AF doesn't arrive. I need to call my doctor's office and get a beta.

Jesus, I trust in you. Thy will be done.
Lord, please please please please.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Thy Will be Done

Today is P+10 and I tested with one of those cheapo strips and I didn't see those lovely "two lines". Not that I had much hope for this cycle with an obviously long cycle on Clomid and delayed Peak Day on CD 25. But I still secretly hoped and prayed for a Christmas Miracle! Who wouldn't love a Christmas Pregnancy?

Why do I torment myself by testing from P+10? It's because I convince myself that if I am pregnant (even if it's only for a few days), I would love to thank God for the gift of life and nourish the little one growing inside me with love. I didn't get that chance with my ectopic pregnancy. I was pregnant for nearly 7 weeks and I didn't know it. Blame it on a negative HPT and a few days of bleeding which I assumed was my period! And with my early miscarriages, I had hardly any time to soak everything in. My Betas never made it to 100.

Nine months have gone by after my last miscarriage and this is the 6th Failed Cycle with Fertility Focused Intercourse. We had to abstain for a few cycles while doing NaPro. So where do I stand now? Back to square one. To all my doctors who thought I could get pregnant easily. It isn't easy for me! To all the doctors who labeled me as RPL, I beg to differ. I need to find out why I can't get pregnant.

Is everything fair? No, absolutely Not! I should be holding a 1 month old baby in my arms this Christmas. But that was not in the Lord's plan for me. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will not be pregnant this Christmas.

My Prayers have gradually changed in the last 3 years.
  • When we were getting ready for TTC - Lord, please bless us with a child.
  • After a few failed cycles - Lord, I am so worried. Please, please bless us with a child.
  • When the waiting gets tough - Lord, why do I have to suffer when others can get pregnant so easily? Why do I have to have trouble getting pregnant?
  • After one miscarriage - Lord, what do you want from me? Why are you doing this to me? Is it because of my past sins.
  • After the second miscarriage, I am pretty confident that the next time we will be lucky - Lord, if you would bless us one more time. Please give us another chance.
  • After yet another miscarriage - Lord, I am not worthy to be a mother. But I am not the one who decides my worth. Lord, we long so much to hold a child in our arms. If you would bless us with children.
  • Few more failed cycles on NaPro and the Prayer our Parish Priest told - Lord, please give us children and we will give you saints.
  • More Failed cycles on NaPro protocol - Lord, if it's your Will, please give us children whom we will raise as saints for you.
  • For over a month, I have been struggling with my prayers for children. Something inside me has been pushing me to pray for accepting God's Will.
  • And yesterday, after receiving Jesus in the Eucharist, I don't know what happened. Suddenly nothing mattered. All that I could pray was - "Thy Will be Done. Allow me to suffer for you Jesus as long as you Will." I was shocked and surprised that I had uttered something like that. How could I pray in that way? How could I not specifically pray for children? Does it mean that I need to accept God's Plan even if it means no children?
  • And today after seeing a negative HPT, I was reminded of yesterday's prayer. "Yes Lord. Thy Will be Done!"

Monday, December 5, 2011

Total Con.sec.ration To Jesus though Mary

Our Parish is doing Con.secration to Jesus through Mary on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, Dec 8th.

Total Conse.cration being entirely new to me, I was kind of apprehensive. But my husband very well knew how important it was to Consecrate ourselves completely to Jesus through Mary. We began preparing for the Conse.cration by getting hold of the book  "Prep.aration for Total Cons.ecration according to Saint Lo.uis Marie de Mont.fort". The book has prayers for 33 days mostly taken from St. Lo.uis de Mont.fort's True Dev.otion to Mary. This is one of the best books I have read.

The Consecration takes place on important Feast Days. There are six suggested feast days but other Marian feasts can also be used:
  1. Feb 2nd - Presentation of Jesus
  2. March 25th - Feast of Annunciation
  3. April 28th - Feast of St. Louis de Montfort
  4. May 31st - Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary
  5. August 15th - Feast of Assumption
  6. Dec 8th - Feast of the Immaculate Conception
As we began our preparation, I began to realize that this was not an easy task. If I had to completely give myself to Jesus through Mary, it meant I would have to surrender myself to Mary, and to Jesus through her without any reservations or inhibitions. It meant I would be giving Mary permission to discipline me and mold me so as to be pleasing to Jesus. It meant surrendering all our thoughts, words and deeds to Mary - yes including our Infertility. It meant giving all that we have and will ever have to Mary for eternity.

I am filled with fear - fear of letting go, fear of complete submission, fear of not being in control but then I realize this is the most prefect and certain and shortest way to be united to Jesus.
What better way to Jesus than through Mary? Mary - the perfect disciple of Jesus who was closer to Jesus than any other disciple.
And just as this blogger wrote : "Mary wants something of each person and specially of those struggling to conceive. She speaks in signs and in God incidences, yet we do not see it. "

Please say a prayer for me as I have been tempted to postpone the Consecration because I feel I am not ready. I feel unprepared to undertake such a great ordeal. I know it is the evil one who is trying to hold be back from Consecrating myself to Jesus through Mary. But I trust in the Lord.

    Friday, December 2, 2011

    12 X 10 and a Leibster Award

    12 X 10 - yes that was the size of my follicle at today's ultrasound. I am on Day 17 and my follicle hasn't grown one bit since Day 13. I had a little bit of hope when I saw some 10K mucus yesterday. Looks like God wants me to wait patiently and completely surrender all my hopes and desires to him. My NaPro dr. doesn't have a clue what's happening and why my body isn't responding to Clomid when it has worked in the past. My lining looked good at 10.5 mm but what's the point? Anyway, she has given me a Prescription for Femara. Hmmm, something new to try and look forward to for the next cycle! Well, I should be excited that I have a new Medication but somehow I don't feel excited. This advent is going to be difficult with no signs of Ovulation and no 2-week wait or maybe God is asking me to focus entirely on him instead of TTC during this advent.

    I am thankful to all you lovely ladies for all your prayers. Your comments have always lifted me up. I am even more humbled that M at Joy Beyond the Cross sent me a St. Andrew's Christmas Novena Chaplet. I am doing this Novena for the first time and I feel so much peace and joy. And thank you dear Prayer buddy for your powerful prayers. I have felt them specially when I feel let down.

    I'm so honored that this lovely blogger - I must have prayed for patience awarded me the Liebster Blog Award! Thank you so much!

    The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers who generally have less than 200 followers. In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers.

    I would like to pass on the Liebster Blog Award to these lovely bloggers. If you haven't read their blogs, please hop on and start following...

    1. A Star of Hope - She was my Summer Prayer Buddy and I have felt a special bond with her. She has given birth to an adorable baby boy - Gabriel.
    2. Allie's Pursuit of Motherhood - Her story gives me so much hope. I am in awe of God's blessings in her life. I have tears of joy for her 2 miracle babies.
    3. Endo Who?- After struggling with Endometriosis for years, this lovely blogger now has a sweet 2-month baby gal.
    4. Infertile Catholic - She prayed for me during Summer Prayer Buddies. It's been a while since she posted so I guess she's on a blog break ;)
    5. The "What If" Cross - She is past her due date and is waiting for her baby. Please pray for a safe delivery for her and the baby.

    Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: 
    1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
    2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
    3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog or emailing them.
    4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.