Thy Will be Done

Today is P+10 and I tested with one of those cheapo strips and I didn't see those lovely "two lines". Not that I had much hope for this cycle with an obviously long cycle on Clomid and delayed Peak Day on CD 25. But I still secretly hoped and prayed for a Christmas Miracle! Who wouldn't love a Christmas Pregnancy?

Why do I torment myself by testing from P+10? It's because I convince myself that if I am pregnant (even if it's only for a few days), I would love to thank God for the gift of life and nourish the little one growing inside me with love. I didn't get that chance with my ectopic pregnancy. I was pregnant for nearly 7 weeks and I didn't know it. Blame it on a negative HPT and a few days of bleeding which I assumed was my period! And with my early miscarriages, I had hardly any time to soak everything in. My Betas never made it to 100.

Nine months have gone by after my last miscarriage and this is the 6th Failed Cycle with Fertility Focused Intercourse. We had to abstain for a few cycles while doing NaPro. So where do I stand now? Back to square one. To all my doctors who thought I could get pregnant easily. It isn't easy for me! To all the doctors who labeled me as RPL, I beg to differ. I need to find out why I can't get pregnant.

Is everything fair? No, absolutely Not! I should be holding a 1 month old baby in my arms this Christmas. But that was not in the Lord's plan for me. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will not be pregnant this Christmas.

My Prayers have gradually changed in the last 3 years.

• When we were getting ready for TTC - Lord, please bless us with a child.
• After a few failed cycles - Lord, I am so worried. Please, please bless us with a child.
• When the waiting gets tough - Lord, why do I have to suffer when others can get pregnant so easily? Why do I have to have trouble getting pregnant?
• After one miscarriage - Lord, what do you want from me? Why are you doing this to me? Is it because of my past sins.
• After the second miscarriage, I am pretty confident that the next time we will be lucky - Lord, if you would bless us one more time. Please give us another chance.
• After yet another miscarriage - Lord, I am not worthy to be a mother. But I am not the one who decides my worth. Lord, we long so much to hold a child in our arms. If you would bless us with children.
• Few more failed cycles on NaPro and the Prayer our Parish Priest told - Lord, please give us children and we will give you saints.
• More Failed cycles on NaPro protocol - Lord, if it's your Will, please give us children whom we will raise as saints for you.
• For over a month, I have been struggling with my prayers for children. Something inside me has been pushing me to pray for accepting God's Will.
• And yesterday, after receiving Jesus in the Eucharist, I don't know what happened. Suddenly nothing mattered. All that I could pray was - "Thy Will be Done. Allow me to suffer for you Jesus as long as you Will." I was shocked and surprised that I had uttered something like that. How could I pray in that way? How could I not specifically pray for children? Does it mean that I need to accept God's Plan even if it means no children?
• And today after seeing a negative HPT, I was reminded of yesterday's prayer. "Yes Lord. Thy Will be Done!"