Brokenhearted & Crushed

Yes, that's how I am feeling. Brokenhearted and crushed. I clung onto hope especially when I saw a slightly darker line yesterday. I thought my HCG levels were finally rising. But today P+17 it's over. There were no visible lines on the HPT. And I saw some brown mucus. So I know AF is on it's way.

Lord, have mercy on me. I have failed terribly in this suffering. I am so angry with God. I couldn't focus on Jesus during the Christmas Mass. One minute I would be angry and then I would ask Jesus for forgiveness. This was the worst Christmas for me and I feel so so ashamed because I know how I prayed to God to allow me to suffer for him as long as he willed. And yet, when it was time to suffer, I failed miserably. I am supposed to love God unconditionally be it sickness or suffering and yet I couldn't. I was selfish. I kept on praying for a miracle. All I wanted was a baby.

I don't know what else I need to do. I was on Clomid. I was on Progesterone. I was taking Thyroid medications and Vitamin D. And yet my body has failed me again. When I began NaPro, I had hope that it was the answer to my prayers. But now, I have reached a road block. I have nowhere to go. I have no hope to keep me going. I have lost it.
I don't have an answer to why my HCG levels never go beyond 100.

At this point, I feel there is no point in TTC-ing. I cannot risk losing another pregnancy. Lord, have mercy on me. My dear Mother Mary, I beg you to ask your Son to strengthen me. Please never allow me to be separated from you Jesus. Lord, please give me stronger faith. Please help me to love you unconditionally. And may this suffering bring me closer to you Lord.