Monday, December 26, 2011

Brokenhearted & Crushed

Yes, that's how I am feeling. Brokenhearted and crushed. I clung onto hope especially when I saw a slightly darker line yesterday. I thought my HCG levels were finally rising. But today P+17 it's over. There were no visible lines on the HPT. And I saw some brown mucus. So I know AF is on it's way.

Lord, have mercy on me. I have failed terribly in this suffering. I am so angry with God. I couldn't focus on Jesus during the Christmas Mass. One minute I would be angry and then I would ask Jesus for forgiveness. This was the worst Christmas for me and I feel so so ashamed because I know how I prayed to God to allow me to suffer for him as long as he willed. And yet, when it was time to suffer, I failed miserably. I am supposed to love God unconditionally be it sickness or suffering and yet I couldn't. I was selfish. I kept on praying for a miracle. All I wanted was a baby.

I don't know what else I need to do. I was on Clomid. I was on Progesterone. I was taking Thyroid medications and Vitamin D. And yet my body has failed me again. When I began NaPro, I had hope that it was the answer to my prayers. But now, I have reached a road block. I have nowhere to go. I have no hope to keep me going. I have lost it.
I don't have an answer to why my HCG levels never go beyond 100.

At this point, I feel there is no point in TTC-ing. I cannot risk losing another pregnancy. Lord, have mercy on me. My dear Mother Mary, I beg you to ask your Son to strengthen me. Please never allow me to be separated from you Jesus. Lord, please give me stronger faith. Please help me to love you unconditionally. And may this suffering bring me closer to you Lord.

15 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to read the news. I'm offering our family Rosary today for you. May our Mother Mary obtain for you all the graces you need at this moment.

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  2. I'm so sorry. Praying of all of you...

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  3. I am so sorry. Praying for you. Jesus, be near.

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  4. Oh, dear sister in Christ. I am so, so sad to read this post today. I've been praying for you all weekend...that this pregnancy would be different for you.

    Don't be too hard on yourself...your anger at God, your feelings of having not suffered well, etc. are all normal. Give yourself some extra grace as you mourn the loss of another child. Still praying for you and your DH.

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  5. I am so sorry. Continued prayers for you!!!!

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  6. My heart is breaking for you. Please be patient with yourself right now. I understand your anger (and the resulting guilt), but also give yourself permission to grieve. I am praying for you.

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  7. I am so sorry; I can only image what you are going through right now. I am praying for you.

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  8. I am praying for you. I am so very sorry.

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  9. Praying for you. I'm so very sorry to hear this news. Please keep praying. May Jesus fill your heart with His peace very soon. God Bless you and your husband.

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  10. I am so sorry! Praying for you!

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  11. I am so sorry for you loss and I am praying for you.

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  12. I just found your blog - so sorry for your pain and your loss, please know I am praying for your family.

    PS - I have also visited St. Anthony's in Bangalore, small world!

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  13. Dear Mother Mary, please comfort BBL at this time, give her strength to carry on. I am praying for you~

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  14. So sorry to be reading this. Praying for you...

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  15. I am so, so very sorry. I will keep you in my prayers. I will ask Mary to comfort you.

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