Thursday, December 29, 2011

When the waiting ends...

Yes, my waiting has come to an end. I was waiting to know what was going on. I was waiting for a big miracle from God. Nothing is impossible with God, right? After the negative HPT on Monday, I didn't give up. I continued testing and again saw another faint line that evening and the following days. So I thought maybe God is going to work a miracle with this pregnancy. I prayed and hoped that my Betas would double miraculously. I even googled for slow-rising HCG and miracle pregnancies.

I was wrong. God has better plans for me. His ways are higher than my ways. My NaPro doctor called me today to tell me that my HCG has fallen to 6. So I can stop the Progesterone and expect the bleeding to start in a few days. My doctor was feeling bad because she doesn't know what more needs to be done. This is it. My waiting has come to an end. I don't have to get prodded with needles every other day to check for Betas. And now I pray that the bleeding starts without much ado. When you know that your pregnancy has ended, there isn't much you can do but hope that you get over with the the bleeding soon. So that you can start a new cycle. A new beginning and some day maybe I will find hope to continue on this journey.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Brokenhearted & Crushed

Yes, that's how I am feeling. Brokenhearted and crushed. I clung onto hope especially when I saw a slightly darker line yesterday. I thought my HCG levels were finally rising. But today P+17 it's over. There were no visible lines on the HPT. And I saw some brown mucus. So I know AF is on it's way.

Lord, have mercy on me. I have failed terribly in this suffering. I am so angry with God. I couldn't focus on Jesus during the Christmas Mass. One minute I would be angry and then I would ask Jesus for forgiveness. This was the worst Christmas for me and I feel so so ashamed because I know how I prayed to God to allow me to suffer for him as long as he willed. And yet, when it was time to suffer, I failed miserably. I am supposed to love God unconditionally be it sickness or suffering and yet I couldn't. I was selfish. I kept on praying for a miracle. All I wanted was a baby.

I don't know what else I need to do. I was on Clomid. I was on Progesterone. I was taking Thyroid medications and Vitamin D. And yet my body has failed me again. When I began NaPro, I had hope that it was the answer to my prayers. But now, I have reached a road block. I have nowhere to go. I have no hope to keep me going. I have lost it.
I don't have an answer to why my HCG levels never go beyond 100.

At this point, I feel there is no point in TTC-ing. I cannot risk losing another pregnancy. Lord, have mercy on me. My dear Mother Mary, I beg you to ask your Son to strengthen me. Please never allow me to be separated from you Jesus. Lord, please give me stronger faith. Please help me to love you unconditionally. And may this suffering bring me closer to you Lord.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Still Waiting

Thank you so much for all your prayers. Words cannot express how thankful I am for all your support.

I pretty much have no updates. Still waiting here. Trusting in the Lord and praying for a miracle.
I took another HPT this morning and the line was barely there. I don't know what it means but I hope and pray that the lines will get darker over the next few days. I will still cling onto hope as long as I see the faintest of faintest line.

I had my blood drawn for the beta and progesterone levels but I wouldn't be getting the results any time soon because the lab and doctors office are all closed for Christmas. The earliest I will get the results is by Tuesday.

My NaPro doctor was so excited when she heard about the positive test. I tried reminding her that the lines were really faint and that I was worried. But she told me not to worry. She said she would call in for PIO shots to the compounding Pharmacy and guess what, the Pharmacy is closed today and Monday. Can it get any better?

I am still taking Progesterone Suppositories 300mg twice a day. That is the best I can do for the next few days. I have been cramping and  feeling like I will start bleeding any minute. I pray for strength to accept God's Will. I don't know how I will make it through the Christmas Eve Mass without being an emotional wreck.

I have been praying for you my Prayer Buddy and for all you wonderful ladies who are waiting to be blessed. I have nothing to offer but the pain and anxiety and fear of the unknown. The worry that I will lose this pregnancy.

Thank you Jesus for giving us another chance. Thank you so much for this great gift of a new life. Our Lady of Guadalupe, thank you so much for giving us this undeserving gift. Jesus, I Trust in You. Please Jesus. Please. If you would give me the chance to carry this baby to term. I beg you Lord. Have mercy on us. Thy Will be done.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Urgent Prayer Request

Prayer Warriors and my Prayer Buddy, I have an urgent prayer request. Today is P+13 and I saw a very very faint line on one of those cheapo HPT strips. I tested again with another strip and the super faint line is still there. I had red bleeding yesterday after intercourse followed by light brown spotting. I am freaking out here. I don't know what is store in me. I have seen faint lines with all my previous miscarriages. I am hoping that this isn't a false positive. And I am praying that AF doesn't arrive. I need to call my doctor's office and get a beta.

Jesus, I trust in you. Thy will be done.
Lord, please please please please.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Thy Will be Done

Today is P+10 and I tested with one of those cheapo strips and I didn't see those lovely "two lines". Not that I had much hope for this cycle with an obviously long cycle on Clomid and delayed Peak Day on CD 25. But I still secretly hoped and prayed for a Christmas Miracle! Who wouldn't love a Christmas Pregnancy?

Why do I torment myself by testing from P+10? It's because I convince myself that if I am pregnant (even if it's only for a few days), I would love to thank God for the gift of life and nourish the little one growing inside me with love. I didn't get that chance with my ectopic pregnancy. I was pregnant for nearly 7 weeks and I didn't know it. Blame it on a negative HPT and a few days of bleeding which I assumed was my period! And with my early miscarriages, I had hardly any time to soak everything in. My Betas never made it to 100.

Nine months have gone by after my last miscarriage and this is the 6th Failed Cycle with Fertility Focused Intercourse. We had to abstain for a few cycles while doing NaPro. So where do I stand now? Back to square one. To all my doctors who thought I could get pregnant easily. It isn't easy for me! To all the doctors who labeled me as RPL, I beg to differ. I need to find out why I can't get pregnant.

Is everything fair? No, absolutely Not! I should be holding a 1 month old baby in my arms this Christmas. But that was not in the Lord's plan for me. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will not be pregnant this Christmas.

My Prayers have gradually changed in the last 3 years.
  • When we were getting ready for TTC - Lord, please bless us with a child.
  • After a few failed cycles - Lord, I am so worried. Please, please bless us with a child.
  • When the waiting gets tough - Lord, why do I have to suffer when others can get pregnant so easily? Why do I have to have trouble getting pregnant?
  • After one miscarriage - Lord, what do you want from me? Why are you doing this to me? Is it because of my past sins.
  • After the second miscarriage, I am pretty confident that the next time we will be lucky - Lord, if you would bless us one more time. Please give us another chance.
  • After yet another miscarriage - Lord, I am not worthy to be a mother. But I am not the one who decides my worth. Lord, we long so much to hold a child in our arms. If you would bless us with children.
  • Few more failed cycles on NaPro and the Prayer our Parish Priest told - Lord, please give us children and we will give you saints.
  • More Failed cycles on NaPro protocol - Lord, if it's your Will, please give us children whom we will raise as saints for you.
  • For over a month, I have been struggling with my prayers for children. Something inside me has been pushing me to pray for accepting God's Will.
  • And yesterday, after receiving Jesus in the Eucharist, I don't know what happened. Suddenly nothing mattered. All that I could pray was - "Thy Will be Done. Allow me to suffer for you Jesus as long as you Will." I was shocked and surprised that I had uttered something like that. How could I pray in that way? How could I not specifically pray for children? Does it mean that I need to accept God's Plan even if it means no children?
  • And today after seeing a negative HPT, I was reminded of yesterday's prayer. "Yes Lord. Thy Will be Done!"

Monday, December 5, 2011

Total Con.sec.ration To Jesus though Mary

Our Parish is doing Con.secration to Jesus through Mary on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, Dec 8th.

Total Conse.cration being entirely new to me, I was kind of apprehensive. But my husband very well knew how important it was to Consecrate ourselves completely to Jesus through Mary. We began preparing for the Conse.cration by getting hold of the book  "Prep.aration for Total Cons.ecration according to Saint Lo.uis Marie de Mont.fort". The book has prayers for 33 days mostly taken from St. Lo.uis de Mont.fort's True Dev.otion to Mary. This is one of the best books I have read.

The Consecration takes place on important Feast Days. There are six suggested feast days but other Marian feasts can also be used:
  1. Feb 2nd - Presentation of Jesus
  2. March 25th - Feast of Annunciation
  3. April 28th - Feast of St. Louis de Montfort
  4. May 31st - Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary
  5. August 15th - Feast of Assumption
  6. Dec 8th - Feast of the Immaculate Conception
As we began our preparation, I began to realize that this was not an easy task. If I had to completely give myself to Jesus through Mary, it meant I would have to surrender myself to Mary, and to Jesus through her without any reservations or inhibitions. It meant I would be giving Mary permission to discipline me and mold me so as to be pleasing to Jesus. It meant surrendering all our thoughts, words and deeds to Mary - yes including our Infertility. It meant giving all that we have and will ever have to Mary for eternity.

I am filled with fear - fear of letting go, fear of complete submission, fear of not being in control but then I realize this is the most prefect and certain and shortest way to be united to Jesus.
What better way to Jesus than through Mary? Mary - the perfect disciple of Jesus who was closer to Jesus than any other disciple.
And just as this blogger wrote : "Mary wants something of each person and specially of those struggling to conceive. She speaks in signs and in God incidences, yet we do not see it. "

Please say a prayer for me as I have been tempted to postpone the Consecration because I feel I am not ready. I feel unprepared to undertake such a great ordeal. I know it is the evil one who is trying to hold be back from Consecrating myself to Jesus through Mary. But I trust in the Lord.

    Friday, December 2, 2011

    12 X 10 and a Leibster Award

    12 X 10 - yes that was the size of my follicle at today's ultrasound. I am on Day 17 and my follicle hasn't grown one bit since Day 13. I had a little bit of hope when I saw some 10K mucus yesterday. Looks like God wants me to wait patiently and completely surrender all my hopes and desires to him. My NaPro dr. doesn't have a clue what's happening and why my body isn't responding to Clomid when it has worked in the past. My lining looked good at 10.5 mm but what's the point? Anyway, she has given me a Prescription for Femara. Hmmm, something new to try and look forward to for the next cycle! Well, I should be excited that I have a new Medication but somehow I don't feel excited. This advent is going to be difficult with no signs of Ovulation and no 2-week wait or maybe God is asking me to focus entirely on him instead of TTC during this advent.

    I am thankful to all you lovely ladies for all your prayers. Your comments have always lifted me up. I am even more humbled that M at Joy Beyond the Cross sent me a St. Andrew's Christmas Novena Chaplet. I am doing this Novena for the first time and I feel so much peace and joy. And thank you dear Prayer buddy for your powerful prayers. I have felt them specially when I feel let down.

    I'm so honored that this lovely blogger - I must have prayed for patience awarded me the Liebster Blog Award! Thank you so much!

    The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers who generally have less than 200 followers. In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers.

    I would like to pass on the Liebster Blog Award to these lovely bloggers. If you haven't read their blogs, please hop on and start following...

    1. A Star of Hope - She was my Summer Prayer Buddy and I have felt a special bond with her. She has given birth to an adorable baby boy - Gabriel.
    2. Allie's Pursuit of Motherhood - Her story gives me so much hope. I am in awe of God's blessings in her life. I have tears of joy for her 2 miracle babies.
    3. Endo Who?- After struggling with Endometriosis for years, this lovely blogger now has a sweet 2-month baby gal.
    4. Infertile Catholic - She prayed for me during Summer Prayer Buddies. It's been a while since she posted so I guess she's on a blog break ;)
    5. The "What If" Cross - She is past her due date and is waiting for her baby. Please pray for a safe delivery for her and the baby.

    Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: 
    1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
    2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
    3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog or emailing them.
    4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

    Tuesday, November 29, 2011

    Another Ultrasound & Dissapointment

    Yesterday, I went in to my NaPro doctor's office for my Day 13 Midcycle Ultrasound to check my follicles. I somehow knew that I had bad news in store. There were 2 measly follicles - 12mm on my left and 10 mm on my right. So looks like my body has stopped responding to Clomid after one cycle! After seeing a 23mm follicle last cycle, I had hopes that 50mg Clomid would continue to work this cycle.

    I told her that I had a late Peak Day (Cd 17) on my last Clomid cycle and she was surprised because most people ovulate on Day 14. She was even more surprised that I had 4-5 days of Fertile CM the last cycle inspite of being on Clomid!

    When she asked me to come in again on CD 17 or 18 for another ultrasound, I almost lost it. Seeing how skeptical I was, she told me that if I didn't see any Fertile CM over the next few days, I didn't have to come in for another ultrasound because it would indicate that my body wouldn't be ovulating. And then she would double the Clomid dosage.

    I hate you Clomid for giving me such terrible headaches! I hate you for not making me ovulate! I feel like giving up. But then I need to find out something that will work for my body. I wish and pray that I would see some Fertile CM over the next few days and that I would ovulate even if it's a bit late. Better than having an anovulatory Cycle on Clomid!

    Inspite of all this, I am not going to be disappointed & hopeless unlike the previous cycles because I know that it's not my will but the Will of my Father in Heaven. And I have realized I have zero control over all the things that happen in my life. I will continue praying for a child but I know that God knows what's best for us and he may not answer my prayers in the way I want. I know there will be days and nights filled with tears but I pray for strength to endure this suffering for as long as God wills. And I am offering up this small suffering for my Prayer Buddy and all Bloggers who continue to wait.

    Thursday, November 17, 2011

    A Broken Heart

    Today is CD2 and the failure of yet another cycle breaks my heart. I thought Clomid would do the trick. Why not? I had a lovely 23mm follicle on my left ovary. I had so much hope only to be crushed seeing negative HPTs day after day until AF arrived. I feel I have reached a road block. I don't know what else I need to do to fix this broken body and even more my broken heart. Lord, I surrender to you my pain and anguish. Please heal my broken heart.

    The wounds inflicted by Infertility are so deep. Day after day, something new comes to deepen the pain and anguish of infertility. The other day, I was speaking with my parents regarding my younger sister's wedding. In India arranged marriages are the norm and my parents have been trying to find a suitable guy for my sister. My dad was speaking with the father of a prospective guy and he was heart-broken when the guy's dad asked him why I didn't have kids after 3.5 years of marriage. This is not the first time this has happened. Whenever a marriage proposal comes for my sister, many are curious as to why we don't have kids and many don't want to proceed because of this ONE REASON. Oh my dear Jesus, I am ready to accept whatever you have in store for us but I don't want my Infertility to affect my sister's life in any way. I don't know why in the world anyone would assume that if I am infertile, my sister would be too. I pray daily to God to send her a guy who would be ready to accept her regardless of whether I am fertile or not. My heart is wounded and I am overcome with grief. Have mercy on me Lord!

    We have been planning a vacation to India to visit our family. I was discussing our vacation plans with my dad and he told me that I should consider visiting an Infertility Clinic while we are in India. I was shocked and didn't know how to respond because Infertility Clinics are associated with IVF and IUIs. I didn't want to hurt him. So I changed the topic. Maybe he doesn't know what happens at Infertility Clinics. Maybe he doesn't know that IVF isn't morally acceptable. Maybe he is desperate for us. Nevertheless, it wasn't something I expected to hear from my dad. I fear going on a vacation. I dread facing family and relatives and the numerous questions they are going to ask with regards to infertility. Lord, give me the strength to endure everything for your sake.

    I was researching Adoption and if it would be possible for us to adopt a child from India. We will have to leave DH's job and go back to India and stay there for atleast 2 years before we can initiate anything related to adoption. We will not be able to adopt as long as we are here in the US. One part of me wants to go to Omaha to get NaPro treatment even if it means spending everything we have. Another part of me wants to leave everything and go back to India. I don't know what God wants us to do but I do pray that he shows us the path we need to choose.

    This month is bittersweet in many ways. One year ago, I had conceived and miscarried in November. If I had not miscarried, I would have had a sweet 3 month old baby in my arms. And with the baby I had conceived in March, I would be nearing my due date in a few days. Nine months have gone by and I have an empty womb and arms. My heart aches and I am filled with grief.

    I am glad and thankful to God for giving me a husband who loves and supports me whatever be the situation. I don't know what I would have done without him. I pray that God would give us the strength to carry this cross.

    Tuesday, November 1, 2011

    Ovulation Worries (Updated)

    After seeing a 23mm follicle on Day 13, I hoped that I would have a textbook perfect ovulation on CD 14. Today is CD 17 and my temps haven't spiked inspite of getting OPK+ on CD 14. My temperature normally rises on P+1. I had 4 days of Fertile Mucus (10CK and 10KL) starting from CD 13. Thankfully, Clomid didn't dry out my mucus though I observed a little less mucus compared to my previous cycles where I would have 7-8 days of mucus. I am freaking out and worried that I haven't ovulated and that my follicle would have turned into a giant cyst! How I wish my body would cooperate. I am tired of all the BD-ing and seeing fertile mucus day after day. I hope & pray that I would be Post Peak soon.

    Maybe this explains my long cycles & underlying ovulation problem. Probably, I should get an ultrasound series done to monitor ovulation. I hope & pray that this cycle won't be a bust. Lord, I know I need to be patient on this earthly journey. You know what is good for me. Help me to trust in you completely.

    From what I have read, with LUFS you get positive OPKs and and a clear thermal shift indicating all signs of ovulation and sometimes your post-peak phase can go beyond 18 days making you wonder if you are pregnant. The only way to find out for sure is an Ultrasound Series.

    My temperature spiked on Day 18. Atleast looks like my mucus has dried up and I am Post-Peak. Now only if I knew whether I ovulated or not!

    Saturday, October 29, 2011

    Clomid Midcycle Ultrasound

    Yesterday was CD13 and I went in for my midcycle Ultrasound for the Clomid Cycle. There was a 23mm follicle on my left ovary and a few smaller ones on my right. Thank you dear Left Ovary for doing your job! And I am sorry for doubting if I ever ovulated from my left side. Back in Feb when I took Clomid for the first time, it was my left ovary which ovulated. So looks like my Left Ovary is trying pretty hard to give me a chance to conceive.

    Now to the bad part. I began noticing some Fertile CM only on CD13. Usually I have around 5 days of Fertile CM. I am yet to get a positive on OPKs. I am freaking out if I will be ovulating late (like CD 17-18) and by that time my 23mm follicle would have turned into an enormous size. So my dear ovary, if you could release the little eggie in time, I would be really happy.
    The last time on Clomid, I had a 20mm follicle on CD13 but I peaked only on CD 17. So I was wondering if that could be a problem. I have read about immature follicles causing problems but what about large follicles. Can it cause miscarriages due to poor egg quality or something? Maybe, I should ask for a Trigger Shot next time.

    I have started Armour Thyroid 30mg and though I have been getting mild headaches, I think I feel much better on it. Vitamin D (50,000 Units) and Fish Oil have been added to my list of supplements.

    I am praying and hoping that the Clomid will do the trick and I will conceive this cycle. Oh my dear Mother, please intercede to your beloved Son. He won't refuse his dear mother's request. St. Jude, pray for us.

    Tuesday, October 25, 2011

    Bloodwork Results and New Findings

    My NaPro doctor called me this morning with the results of my Blood Work. Praise be to God! Atleast I have a diagnosis.

    TSH - 3.13 which means I have an underactive Thyroid. Also my Free T3 levels were low at 2.6. She is putting me on Armour Thyroid. No wonder I had low BBTs for the last 2 years I was charting but none of my doctors would treat me based on my BBT. I was gaining weight easily and feeling sluggish & tired. Not to mention hair loss, dry skin and other symptoms. My Free T4 levels were 1.26 which was within the normal limits.

    My Vitamin D levels are extremely low at 10.4. It should have been atleast 32. I am supposed to start Prescription Vitamin D and then change to Vitamin D 5000 Units Over the Counter. Does Vitamin D cause Infertility/Miscarriage? I am so confused because during my last appt, my dr. insisted that Vitamins don't cause Infertility.

    Thankfully, my Vitamin B12 levels were normal at 379.

    I am still in shock. I feel sad and angry that all my previous bloodwork for TSH kept coming back normal and I wasn't treated. Could my thyroid issues have caused my miscarriages? How did I conceive if I had Thyroid problems? Given all these new findings, I consider myself lucky that I conceived. I don't know. I wish I had clear answers.

    I am glad that I persuaded my NaPro dr to check my Thyroid hormones & Vitamins Levels!
    I just hope these new medications along with the Clomid and Progesterone would give me a better chance. I am thankful to God for leading me to NaPro and all your blogs.

    Low Progesterone
    Late Ovulation
    Underactive thyroid
    Low Vitamin D
    One Fallopian Tube...

    Probably, it's times to become a patient of PPVI and get comprehensive NaPro Care.  

    Lord, help me to accept your divine Will however hard it may be seem.

    Friday, October 14, 2011

    Appt #2 with our Local Napro Ob/Gyn

    I am thankful to God that our 2nd appt with our local Napro Ob/Gyn went well. I had made a list of questions as per my Practitioner (Polkadot's) suggestion and it helped.
    • After reviewing my charts for the last 3 cycles on Progesterone and seeing my delayed Peak Days, she prescribed Clomid for 6 months. Hurray! Atleast, I have something to look forward to for the next few cycles rather than believing that Progesterone will do the trick. Since I had earlier conceived the very first cycle I was on Clomid and didn't have any adverse effects while on Clomid, she was pretty confident that Clomid would work. 
    • I asked her if I have PCOS because of my long cycles but she said my hormones tests were negative for PCOS and insulin resistance. It is slightly possible that I have a very mild version of PCOS which can cause fairly long cycles between 32-38 days. I wanted to ask her for Metformin but I forgot!
    • I convinced her to check my thyroid levels and she agreed to do bloodwork for Free T3 and T4 along with TSH. 
    • I also asked her about getting my Vitamin Levels checked and she said Vitamins do not cause miscarriage. Vitamin Deficiency can make you tired but it isn't related to Infertility. Nevertheless, she had my blood drawn to check Vitamin D and B12 levels. :)
    • I asked her about Endometrial Biopsy or anything else that would help to rule out infections but she said that biopsies help to find out the cause of Infertility but not Recurrent Miscarriages. But I read on many of your blogs how Inflammation/Infections can cause miscarriages. Wondering..
    • I also asked her if I should pursue NaPro surgery assuming I have endometriosis. She said it would be reasonable to try for 6 months on Clomid before considering a Lap.
    • Another possibility is that I may have scarring from my first surgery for Ectopic which could be affecting my fertility.
    • If I don't conceive in the next 6 cycles, DH may need to get a SA done! I think it would be better to take a bunch of vitamins.  Maybe Androvite for DH.
    • On a positive note, I have almost zero PMS and Mood Swings on the 3rd cycle of Progesterone. The first 2 cycles were from hell but this cycle is so different. I am not a miserable person and I am so so thankful to God. I hope it remains the same for the next 6 cycles on Clomid! :)
    • I am wondering about Immunology factors which could be causing miscarriages. These are some of the tests done so far with normal results. 
    1. Prolactin
    2. Testosterone
    3. TSH, LH, FSH
    4. Antithrombin III
    5. Lupus Anticoagulant
    6. Protein C
    7. Protein S
    8. Anticardiolipin Anitbodies
    9. Factor V Leiden
    10. Prothrombin 20210A (factor II)
    11. HGB (Hemoglobin) A1C Test
    12. Beta 2 Glycoprotein -I Ab IgA IgG IgM
    13. Chromosome karotyping
    I would appreciate suggestions for any other tests that need to be done. God Bless~!

    Tuesday, October 4, 2011

    Prayer Buddy Reveal & Updates

    This summer, I had the honor of praying for JoAnna of She is a wonderful Catholic mom to adorable children and is expecting a little one in December. I admire her blog and her zeal for Catholic faith. I have learned so much about my faith from her blog.

    I would like to thank J at for praying for me. I really felt your prayers the last few months specially during the Post Peak Phase when I was an emotional mess.

    We still haven't decided about Dr. Hilgers. Right now, I am on my 3rd cycle on Progesterone and the woes of the Post-Peak Phase have begun. :( I have an appointment with my local NaPro Ob/Gyn this month. Hopefully she will put me on Clomid/Femara or probably do a few more blood work for checking my Thyroid, Vitamin D and other regular NaPro stuff. After the appt, we will decide if it's time to find another NaPro doctor or become a patient of PPVI. Praying that I will become miraculously pregnant and won't have to find another NaPro doctor. Yes, I still hope and trust in the Lord....... Only if I had patience!

    Wednesday, September 14, 2011

    Praying for Discernment

    I am amazed at the Power of Prayer. During this Prayer Buddy Season, I have been witnessing so many miracles in our Blogger World. Praise be to God! It gives me hope as we continue to wait. It reminds me that God has a beautiful plan for us. It encourages me to be patient.

    The more I read blogs, the more I admire Dr. Hilgers. It is amazing how he has given hope to so many ladies struggling with IF. I have been wondering if it's time for me to go to PPVI. As each cycle goes by, I know something is wrong otherwise I should have conceived. And even if I conceive, will I ever hold a baby in my arms? I don't know if I have Endo and if that is the reason I have trouble getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I hate it when doctors tell me I have no problem getting Pregnant! For heaven's sake that is not true! With fertility-focused intercourse, it shouldn't take you more than 6 months to conceive even if you have one tube. So I know it's not true that I can get pregnant easily. I have long cycles and with 10 cycles in a year, I know there is something wrong with my Ovulation. I wish my doctor would take me seriously.

    I am worried about a repeat ectopic because of Endo or any other probable reason. I am worried my Ob/Gyn has screwed up my insides after the Lap for Ectopic. Could I be having adhesions because of that surgery? The only way I can know for sure is another Lap. And that is why I have been wondering about Dr. Hilgers.

    One part of me wants to go to Omaha but I don't know if it is going to be possible. I am a stay-at-home wife and with one person working in the family, I doubt if we can ever afford PPVI. And our insurance doesn't cover anything related to Fertility! I am worried that if we go back to India (after my DH's work here in the US) we will never have an opportunity to get NaPro treatments. I am worried that I am losing time as I will soon be out of my twenties. I am worried that after 3 years of Marriage, we haven't made any progress with regards to Fertility other than the Progesterone. And I would be surprised if my problems are as simple as Low Progesterone! What do we do? Do we go to Omaha while we we are here? Do we have the courage to use all our Savings to make a trip to PPVI?

    I don't know but I pray for discernment. I pray to God to show us the way. I pray to God to open doors. I hope & pray that I continue trusting my local NaPro doctor. I hope and pray that I wouldn't need a surgery for Endo/Adhesions. I pray for a miracle! With God, all things are possible. Jesus, I trust in you.

    Thursday, September 8, 2011

    The Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary

    I found this on a Prayer Card.

    When you follow her; you will not go astray;
    When you pray to her, You will not despair;
    When you think of her, You will not err;
    When she holds you up, You will not fail;
    When she protects you, You will not fear;
    When she leads you, You will not be fatigued;
    When she favors you, You will arrive safely.
    She keeps her Son from striking us;
    She keeps the devil from hurting us;
    She keeps our virtues from escaping us;
    She keeps our merits from being destroyed;
    She keeps our graces from being lost.
    (St Bernard)

    Happy Birthday dearest Mother Mary!
    Oh my dear Mother, what do I gift you on your birthday? On this day when Saints Anna and Joachim rejoiced, on this day when the Mother of God was born, on this day when our Heavenly Mother was born....

    I offer you our marriage and fertility, all our hopes and trials, all our joys and sorrows. Let me never worry because your maternal love will guide us to Your dear Son Jesus. Let me never despair and always trust in your most powerful intercession.Thank you dear Mother for being there for us.

    Tuesday, September 6, 2011

    Harden not my heart Oh Lord!

    Why do you allow yourself to cling onto hope cycle after cycle? After last cycle's let down, I had convinced myself that I wouldn't worry myself in the post-peak phase. I was wrong!

    The first few days of the post-peak phase went ok and I was completely normal. This was short lived. I began Progesterone on P+3. I hate you Progesterone for Pregnancy like Symptoms which I couldn't ignore how much ever I tried. I had slight lower left cramps occasionally and I kept wondering if it was implantation. I had sore bbs and tried convincing myself that it was a pregnancy symptom.

    With the Prayer Buddy Season going, I kept reassuring myself that I could be pregnant this cycle. I allowed myself to hope and dream. I was so happy to see Pregnancy Announcements and it gave me more hope. Moreover, last month was the 3rd anniversary of my Ectopic Pregnancy and I hoped that God would bless me once again with a pregnancy. Who am I to demand?

    I had convinced myself that I wouldn't waste a HPT until I was P+14. But I remembered how I had got faint positives from 10DPO with my previous miscarriages. And as every cycle, I tested on P+10 to find absolutely nothing. So here I am back to reality after shedding a few tears. I am convinced that it is not easy to get pregnant with one tube. I don't even know if I am ovulating on the side I have the tube. I have failed miserably. I don't know what I need to do. I feel numb. I keep getting negative thoughts like I am never going to be pregnant and that I will be childless. I know these thoughts are from the devil.

    I know I will get through this cycle but Prayer Buddy if you could say an extra prayer for me. I need hope to go on in life. I don't want to be a miserable human being. I need the grace to accept my cross with joy. I need to grow in love and faith. My dear Jesus, please give me patience as I struggle under the weight of my cross. Harden not my heart Oh Lord! Make me humble. Allow me to love you more and more. My dear Mother, please intercede for me. May my suffering bring me closer to your beloved Son and help me on my journey to Heaven.

    Wednesday, August 17, 2011

    Sometimes it's so Difficult

    Sometimes it's so difficult to feel normal. Some days are so hard. Last Cycle, my very first cycle on Progesterone Supplements, I prayed & hoped & allowed myself to dream about being pregnant. The whole Post Peak Phase was pure torture. I had so many weird symptoms & kept wondering if any of those were related to pregnancy. I really hoped that I would get a positive pregnancy test. But unfortunately, my dreams were shattered when I began getting negative tests from P+10. And yet I continued testing every single day.

    I don't know if it was the Progesterone as I felt so angry, irritated & depressed the whole Post Peak Phase. I had P+7 Bloodwork done for Progesterone and I kept waiting for more than a week to hear from my NaPro doctor's office. I was an emotional wreck and had no control over myself. And then I started spotting from P+11. What the heck? Luckily, Progesterone never lengthened my Luteal Phase and my Cycle began by P+14 evening.

    I kept contacting my doctor's office to get my P+7 results but didn't hear back from them. This added to my frustration. I know it's just a P+7 result but I needed to know what I had to do the next cycle. I wanted to know if the Progesterone Supplements had worked and if I could do Clomid/Femara the new cycle. When it was CD 2, I was so annoyed with my NaPro doctor's office. How could they take so long to tell me the result inspite of contacting them for so many days? I didn't know what to do and felt I was wasting my time with NaPro. By CD 3, I almost made up my mind to call the RE whom I had visited a few months ago and who had suggested Clomid, Ovidrel & Prometrium. Why should I waste my time with NaPro? I needed to do something. I know it was silly but I cried so much all those days not knowing what to do. I was so angry with God for not answering my prayers.

    Atlast, on CD 4, my NaPro doctor called me and told that my P+7 Progesterone was 24 (last cycle it was 7). I breathed a sigh of relief. Atleast, the Progesterone had worked. I asked her about Clomid/Femara but she was in a hurry and said probably after 2 cycles. I tried mentioning my Long Cycles and that my Peak Day was P+24 but she didn't have much to say. Hmmm, I know NaPro has given me a diagnosis but I don't know if I am getting the best NaPro treatment.

    I know life is not perfect and we don't get what we want but I don't want to have regrets that I didn't take care of my Fertility. Now that I am in my Pre-Peak Phase, I am much more reasonable and feel sorry for being angry with God. I pray that I become more patient and accept God's Plan. I pray that I learn to say Yes to the Plan of God like Our Blessed Virgin Mary.

    I am offering up all my frustrations for my Prayer Buddy and for all whose who are waiting. It is so good to be able to pray for someone else rather than focusing on yourself.
    And my Prayer Buddy, I would appreciate if you could pray for me that I get over my frustrations and that God guides me as to what I should do next.

    Friday, July 29, 2011

    Woe of Long cycles & Some Good News

    Just when I needed to start 300 mg Progesterone Suppositories for the first time this cycle, my body decided to play games. I had a long Pre-Peak Phase of 24 days & I wasn't under stress. That would make this cycle 38-39 days :(

    I feel so horrible. How I wish I could have a textbook perfect 28 day cycle. I have always had long cycles mostly between 32-50 days. I guess I need to convince my NaPro Dr. to put me on Clomid/Femara. I have a feeling the more I wait, the more difficulty I will have with my long cycles. I don't have PCOS so I really would like to know why my cycles are so long.

    How I wish I had known about NaPro as soon as I married. Again am I in control? Oh Jesus, you have perfectly planned everything for us. May your Holy Will be done in our lives and may we have the courage & strength to accept your Will.

    And there's some good news - My sister-in-law is pregnant. She has struggled a lot with PCOS and has had a miscarriage in the past. After being on Metformin & restricted diet for many years, it was still not helping her ovulate. Her doctor put her on Clomid recently and she has now conceived on the 2nd cycle of Clomid. She is now on Progesterone and some Thyroid medication. Please do pray that this pregnancy goes well. 

    My family has been struggling with miscarriages & infertility for the past 3 years. I really pray for my parents who have seen both their married children struggling for a child. There isn't a day they haven't prayed & shed tears for us. They are the ones who lift up our dreary souls with prayers & words of encouragement. God bless them always!

    Monday, July 18, 2011

    Exposition of over 150 Relics

    God has given us a great spiritual blessing. Yesterday, there was an exposition of over 150 relics at our Cathedral. We were blessed in every way to venerate the relics of so many Saints. It was a spiritual encounter with the Church Triumphant and I was filled with such joyous tears.
    • Many of these were first class relics - fragments of the body of a saint like pieces of bone, flesh, hair and so on.
    • A few were second class relics - things personally owned by a saint. 
    • Third Class Relics are those items touched by a saint. And every article of devotion that has been touched to a first class or second class relic of a saint becomes a third class relic. Wow!
    The highlight of the exposition was a piece of the "True Cross" of our Lord and a "Veil" of our Blessed Lady. There was a piece of the Crib of our Lord, a piece of the Holy Lance & a piece of the Holy Thorn.

    We were armed with rosaries and prayer cards and we touched it to many first class relics. Now, my home is filled with third class relics of so many saints. Thank you Lord for this blessing!

    As I walked into the room and held the relics of some of my favorite Saints, I experienced such great peace & joy.

    I felt I was living the era of Christ & the early Church when I touched the relics of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Blessed Virgin Mary, St. Joseph, St. Anne, St. John the Baptist, St. Martha, St. Mary Magdalene, St. Peter, St. Paul, St. John, St. Jude, St. Matthew, St. Thomas, all the other apostles, St. Mark, St. Luke and so on.

    I held the first class relics of St. Anthony, St. Anne, St. Gerard, St. Rita of Cascia and prayed for all my family, friends & Blogger Ladies waiting to be blessed with a child. I prayed for all who were pursuing adoption & asked intercession for all Pregnant Ladies.
    I prayed to St. Catherine of Sienna for all who had experienced Pregnancy Losses. I experienced great peace when I held her relic to my body. I prayed to St. Peregrine for all battling with Cancer.

    Last week, I had just read the Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska - "Divine Mercy in my Soul". I truly rejoiced when I saw the relic of St. Faustina. I begged St. Faustina to intercede to the Lord to have mercy on our poor souls.

    I could find the relic of every Saint I had heard of - St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Teresa of Avila, Blessed Mother Theresa, St. Bernadette, St. Padre Pio, St. Dominic Savio, St. Augustine, St. Monica, St. Maria Goretti, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Maxmilian Kolbe, St. Francis Xavier, St. Josephine Bakita, St. Vincent de Paul, St. Clare of Assisi, St. Bernard of Clairvaux, St. Teresa of the Andes, St. Alphonsis Liguiori, St. Catherine Laboure, St. Gertrude, St. Ignatius Loyola, St. John of the Cross, St. John Neumann, St. Louis de Montfort, St. Martin de Porres, St. Edith Stein, St. Thomas More, St. Thomas Beckett, St. Nicolas (Santa Claus), St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, Pope Pius X, Pope Pius V and so many more.

    Thank you Jesus for all the graces you have given us!!!

    Visit the website Treasures of the Church for more information and to request an exposition at your Church.

    Monday, July 4, 2011

    Blood Work Results: Low Progesterone

    I completed my P+3,5,7 & 9 bloodwork for Estradiol & Progesterone last week. My NaPro doctor left me a message saying that my Progesterone Levels are low right from P+3. Well, I cannot believe that after all these years, I have some solid news finally. Something as basic as Low Progesterone has finally been diagnosed by my NaPro doctor. My previous doctors never believed in checking Progesterone levels inspite of having Recurrent Losses. The only time I had my Progesterone bloodwork was on 7 DPO on a Clomid cycle to check if I ovulated or not and the doctor said the levels were normal (12.6) though I knew it was low.

    I am supposed to start Progesterone Supplements this cycle. I have been reading about Progesterone Capsule, Suppositories and PIO Shots. I would be really grateful if someone could enlighten me about the different types of Progesterone and which one would be the most effective - the capsules, suppositories, shots?
    I doubt if my insurance will cover Progesterone. Could anyone tell me how much it would cost with and without insurance?

    Sometimes, I feel angry & sad that my 3 previous doctors never bothered to check for Progesterone & Estradiol though I requested plenty of times. Instead they ran millions of tests for Clotting disorders, Thyroid, Chromosomes, RPL and what not. Everything came back normal & we wasted so many $$$ on all those tests. My heart breaks when I wonder if Progesterone would have helped me from losing my babies. Now, I am even more convinced that my Ectopic Pregnancy could have been due to Low Progesterone. If it was not for NaPro, I would have lost all my trust in doctors.
    Thank you Lord for leading me to NaPro & I feel so indebted to you bloggers for introducing me to NaPro though your blogs. I know there are many more things that could be wrong with my body like PCOS and Endo but I pray and hope that Progesterone will bring me closer to having a healthy baby. 

    I will be taking Compounded Progesterone Wettable Vaginal Capsule 300mg at bedtime from P+3 to P+12.
    The charge for 30 capsules is $45 and it is supposed to last for 3 months. Not bad! Hoping that it works.

    Monday, June 20, 2011

    Agony of TTC Break Cycles

    I hate Mandatory TTC Break Cycles !!! This Cycle we weren't supposed to TTC inorder to get my Post Peak Blood Work done. When my NaPro doctor asked us to stay away from TTC, I felt kind of ok but as Ovulation approached, I became restless. All the clear, stretchy mucus wasn't doing me any help. I felt so miserable knowing that we were wasting another cycle. What if I ovulated from the side I had the tube? What if this was the cycle we were to get pregnant and stay pregnant? What if this was the cycle St. Anthony would work a miracle? I even tried convincing my DH but he goes by rules. No luck!

    I almost cried the entire time I saw fertile CM. Now I am mourning a missed TTC Cycle.  I haven't felt this bad when we couldn't TTC due to unavoidable reasons like Travel or Illness. But a mandatory break cycle is playing too much on my emotions. It's like being on Clomid!

    God knows how many cycles we need to wait before anything is diagnosed. I feel so so terrible with this long wait. Father's Day left me with an even more broken heart. I didn't feel so bad on Mother's Day but as my husband stood up during Mass for the special Father's Day prayer, I was a crying mess.

    Now that my mucus has dried up, I feel slightly better and pray to Lord for patience. I need to be humble & patient with my cross. Sometimes I dream that everything is ok with my body and all our previous losses were random chromosomal issues, the next time everything will be perfect and that the next time won't be too far. Other days, I worry that I will never be able to hold a little one in my arms. I need your prayers to continue on this journey to a miracle.

    "Be patient, therefore, until the coming of the Lord. Behold, the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient over it until it receives the early and the late rain. You also must be patient. Strengthen your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is near." James 5:7-8

    Thursday, June 9, 2011

    First NaPro Appt

    Yesterday, I had my first appt with a NaPro Ob/Gyn. In terms of duration, it wasn't as long as any of my previous Infertility Appts. But, it was the first time we left a doctor's office feeling happy and with renewed hopes for our future.

    We briefly discussed my Medical History and she went through my Creighton Charts. She asked a few questions about Painful Periods, Pelvic Infections and so on. After hearing all this, she said it appears I have no problem getting pregnant but it's only with staying Pregnant. She also reminded us that Low Progesterone can cause Ectopic Pregnancies (which I never knew until I read the Creighton Book) and explained that the 3 possible reasons for recurrent pregnancy losses are:
    1. Clotting Disorders
    2. Chromosomes
    3. Hormonal Abnormalities
    Since my previous doctors had covered all the blood work for the first two, I was left with the third one. And the only thing I have to do this cycle is to get my P+3, 5, 7&9 blood work for Estradiol & Progesterone. Is that all? :(
    I mean.. I was expecting more tests, Ultrasound Series and so on from all your blogs.

    She also quickly checked my cervix and found some Cervical Ectropion (thanks to Dr.Google for the spelling) and that explains why I have an abundance of Cervical Mucus & all the Baby Stamps. She said it shouldn't be a problem unless I am having difficulty identifying my Peak Day.

    As of now, she isn't suspicious of Endo because of my pretty good mucus scores. Hmmm, I am wondering about this from what I have read on all your blogs. I have read about some of you who have had good Mucus & Endo. :( She mentioned something about Late Ovulation but didn't tell anything about PCOS. Hmm, I often wonder if I have PCOS but my bloodwork & ultrasounds have never shown that.

    To conclude, my thyroid is normal, I don't have any clotting disorders, my uterus and fallopian tube seem ok (from the HSG Report) and our Chromsomes are good. Hmmm, if all this is ok, what is it that is preventing me from staying pregnant. In the back of my mind, I hear words like Endo & PCOS. But then, I remind myself that God has a plan for me. If I have Endo/PCOS, he will reveal it to me when the time is right or maybe I will never know about it. I have such deep fears inside me but then I know this journey is not going to be easy. How can I complaint when so many of my dear Blooger Friends have struggled so much to hold a baby in their arms?

    Now ladies, if you could tell me about the tests you had during your first Napro Appt. I know I am on the right path but I need to know if I am doing all I can to improve our chances of having a baby.

    And a small prayer I found:
    Lord Jesus, give us the insight to make wise decisions, integrity to face the truth and courage to make difficult choices.

    Sunday, June 5, 2011

    Creighton Charts

    Yippe! Here are my CrMS Charts for the first 2 cycles. I have my first NaPro Appointment this week. Meanwhile, if any of you bloggers could shed some light on my chart...

    1. Baby Stamps everywhere, I wish I had a baby instead :)
    2. Bright Yellow all throughout the Post Peak Phase :)
    3. Fluctuating Post Peak Phases..
    4. And some Brown Mucus towards the end of my period. Hmmm what more could I ask for?
    Now, what could be the reason for my recurrent miscarriages? I wish I had an easy answer but no, I need to be patient and play the waiting game.

    So dear blogger friends, I welcome your inputs..

    Oh my dear Lord, please please have mercy on us!

    Thursday, June 2, 2011

    3 Wonderful Years

    Life has been busy the past few weeks. We celebrated our 3rd Wedding Anniversary on May 26th with a wonderful trip to Myrtle Beach. May is such a special month - the month of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and so many bloggers celebrated their wedding anniversaries in May. I just found out 2 other bloggers with whom we shared our Wedding Anniversary - Isaiah 55:8-9 and Andrew & Julie's Adoption Story. Wow! Isn't it amazing?

    The past 3 years have been the best years of my life though my heart breaks to think about our struggles with infertility. When I feel sad that I am still childless after 3 years of marriage, I remember my dear Blogger Friends who have been struggling for so long. I am reminded in a good way that my suffering and pain are nothing when compared to the suffering of others. I need to pray more and grow spiritually. I need to love Jesus amidst my sufferings and sorrow.

    I am looking forward to my first NaPro appointment with an Ob/Gyn in NC. The appointment is next week and I know this is just the beginning of a long journey ahead. We are hoping to find some answers. Recently, I have been struggling with Pregnancy Announcements in my family. On one side, I am happy that others don't have to embrace this cross of Infertility, but on the other side, I am an emotional wreck. Some days, I feel hopeless. I even wonder if I will ever have children. But then I remind myself to repeat the words "Jesus, I trust in You". Lord, whatever be your will, may we accept it with happiness.

    Saturday, May 7, 2011

    First Visit to an RE

    We had our first ever Visit to a Reproductive Endocrinologist who was referred to by my Ob/Gyn. She wasn't as bad as I had feared. Infact, she was very thorough with my medical history unlike all the previous doctors I have visited. Since most of the RPL Blood Work was already done by my Ob/Gyn, she only had 3 more blood tests for us to cover. Hurray!

    She wanted us to do the Chromosome Karotyping test. Though we felt it was unnecessary, we decided to get it done just for the sake of it. She also wanted me to get a Hemoglobin test to check for Insulin Resistance.

    The only new information we gathered was regarding Recurrent Early Ectopic Pregnancies rather than Recurrent Early Miscarriages, given my history of one Ectopic Pregnancy. With all our early miscarriages, we were never got to the point where we could see a gestational sac. So she put us into more confusion by mentioning the possibility of Recurrent Early Ectopic Pregnancies which resolved all by themselves. Somehow, I found that to be a very very rare possibility or something nearly impossible. How can anyone have 3 Early Ectopic Pregnancies which resolved all by themselves?

    Since I had become pregnant on my first cycle with Clomid, her treatment protocol was Controlled Ovarian Stimulation using Clomid and Ovidrel shot, followed by Prometrium. It also includes Baseline Bloodwork & Ultrasound and Mid-Cycle Follicle Scans.

    Our insurance is Aetna and unfortunately the plan doesn't cover Clomid or any Infertility Treatments/Medications. It just covers the blood work and ultrasounds. I am not sure how much Clomid, Ovidrel and Prometrium are going to cost every cycle. Does anyone know how much it is going to cost without insurance? I am supposed to call my RE when my next cycle begins :)

    On a different note, she mentioned IVF once or twice but my husband quickly reminded her we were Catholic. To my surprise, she said many Catholic Couples go with IVF and choose to Freeze Eggs because the only issue they have is with Freezing Embryos. Anyway, we affirmed that IVF/IUI was never going to be our path. Thankfully, she wasn't pushy rather listened to us patiently.

    She also mentioned about Methotrexate shot to end an early ectopic pregnancy and to save the tube from rupture, incase it happens again. I doubt if she knows that Methotrexate is not an option for Catholics. I am so thankful to God that I had a complete Salpingectomy (removal of Fallopian tube) with my previous Ectopic as my tube had already ruptured. I am so grateful to God for never putting us in a situation where doctors would push Methotrexate shots to abort the baby or Salpingotomy (making an incision in the tube to remove the embryo and save the tube).
    And I pray to God that if it is his Will that we never ever have to face another Ectopic Pregnancy.

    On a positive note, I have an appointment with a NaPro Ob/Gyn in Shelby, NC for the beginning of next month. One month seems so far but I am going to wait patiently. We are hoping to go with NaPro rather than going with the treatment outlined by my RE.

    I was so happy to see all the Pregnancy Announcements during Lent & Easter. God's infinite grace and love is so amazing. It gives me so much hope and I trust in the Lord more than ever. I know that the day is not too far. I pray for all the Ladies who have been blessed with pregnancies and also pray for all those who are waiting to be blessed. Blessed Pope John Paul II, Pray for all of us.

    Thursday, April 28, 2011

    St Gianna, Pray for Us

    Today is such a special day because it's the Feast of one of my favorite saints.

    On this special day - Feast of St. Gianna Beretta Molla, Patron of Mothers, Physicians and Unborn Children, we seek your prayerful intercession St. Gianna.
    • Pray for all of us who long to hold a baby in our arms that we may one day be blessed to Motherhood. 
    • We seek your prayers for all those ladies who have recently been blessed with pregnancies and for the safety of all the little ones growing in their wombs. 
    • We seek your intercession for all those who have already been blessed to the great joy of motherhood. 
    • Pray for our dear Moms who have given life to us and have taken care of our every needs.
    • And we beg your prayers for all those who carry the Cross of Infertility that we may be strengthened in a special way on this heartwrenching journey.
    May we follow your splendid example and always welcome children as a blessing. Help us to love and honor every human life. May we always surrender our lives to God's Holy Will.

    Novena To Obtain Graces Through Saint Gianna Beretta Molla

    God, our Father, You have granted to Your church the gift of Gianna Beretta Molla. In her youth she lovingly sought You and drew other young people to You, involving them, through apostolic witness and Catholic Action, in the care of the sick and aged, to help and comfort them.

    We thank You for the gift of this young woman, so deeply committed to You. Through her example grant us the grace to consecrate our lives to Your service, for the joy of our brothers and sisters.

    Glory be …

    Jesus, Redeemer of mankind, You called Saint Gianna to exercise the medical profession as a mission for the comfort of bodies and souls. In her suffering fellow men and in the little ones, deprived of all support, she saw You.

    We thank You for having revealed Yourself to this servant as “one who serves” and who soothes the sufferings of men. Treasuring her example may we become generous Christians at the service of our brothers and sisters, especially those with whom You deign to share Your Cross.

    Glory be…

    God, Sanctifying Spirit, who love the Church as Your Bride, You poured into the heart of Saint Gianna a share of Your Love so that she could radiate it in her family, and thus cooperate with You in the wonderful plan of creation, and give life to new children who could know and love You.

    We thank You for this model wife and, through her encouraging witness, we beg You to grant to our families the serene and Christian presence of mothers committed to transform their homes into cenacles of faith and love, rich with generous activity and sanctifying service.

    Glory be…

    O God, Creator and lover of mankind, You were close to Saint Gianna when, affected by illness, she was in the painful dilemma of choosing between her own life and the life of the child whom she was carrying in herself, a gift long-awaited. Trusting You alone, and aware of Your Commandment to respect human life, Gianna found the courage to do her duty as a mother and to say “yes” to the new life of her baby, generously sacrificing her own. Through the intercession of Mary, Mother of Jesus, and after the example of Gianna, inspire all mothers to welcome with love the sparkle of new life. Grant us the grace we are praying for …………. and the joy to find an inspiration in Saint Gianna who, as a model spouse and mother, after the example of Christ, gave up her life for the life of others.

    Hail Mary…

    Wednesday, April 27, 2011

    Prayer Buddy Reveal

    Happy Easter !!!
    I am so excited to be revealing this. I had the honor of praying for Making God Laugh this Lenten Season.

    God works in ways we cannot comprehend and as each day unfolds, I am convinced of his amazing love.

    The Prayer Buddy email from JBTC led me to her blog for the first time and I immediately knew that God was working in my life through her. I never would have imagined that God was in turn leading me to Creighton and NaPro through her.

    Yes, we were truly blessed to have her as our CrMS Practitioner. I am still in awe how God led me to her blog and how she agreed to working long distance with us.

    You will always be in our prayers. God Bless!

    Thursday, April 21, 2011

    Grieving this Holy Week

    This month has been hard in many ways. Grief has hit me at the most unexpected times.

    My first baby which I lost to ectopic in August 2008 would have completed 2 years this April. Happy 2nd Birthday to our little one in heaven! We love you so much. Sometimes, I wonder how my life would have been with a 2 year old running around the house.

    After 5 cycles of TTC, I had conceived last April only to find out that it is was a Chemical Pregnancy. I hate the term so much. And a friend who fell pregnant around the same time has a beautiful 4 month old baby. Every time I hold the baby, I feel joy & pain at the same time.

    Last Easter, I prayed for a child whole-heartedly. We were just beginning our infertility journey. I truly believed that God would give us a child by this Easter. As another Easter approaches, my heart breaks to know that we are still childless.

    On top of all this, my miscarriage cycle which began on March 22nd feels so long since I seem to have ovulated really late. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long for a new cycle to begin.
    I have begun CrMS Charting this month. I know I should be thankful to God for leading me to Creighton but I feel sad for having wasted a year and half, hoping that I would be pregnant without any help. I dread the long wait which comes with CrMS and NaPro. I know I need to chart for 2 cycles before I get to see a NaPro Physician. And I don't know how many more months I need to wait before I can start a treatment protocol. I just wish somebody would treat me based on my 14 months of Sympto-Thermal Charting! At times, I feel I am back to square one.

    I know that I need to be patient and trust in the Lord for his perfect timing. But everywhere I look, I see babies and happy families. I know I have a long road ahead and I fear that I will never reach the other end of the road.

    Oh my dear Jesus, please please do not abandon me. I am so weak and I feel helpless struggling under the wieght of my cross. I just wish I had something to hope for this Easter. I am praying for all the Blogger Ladies, especially for my prayer buddy.

    Wishing you all a Blessed Easter !!!

    Wednesday, April 6, 2011

    On the Path to NaPro

    I am so thankful for all the love & support I received from this wonderful Blogger Community. And even more, I am grateful to God for showing me the path to NaPro.

    Yes, tomorrow, I am finally going to start CrMS. The amazing thing is that a Blogger Lady is going to be my instructor. I stumbled across her blog and she willingly agreed to help me. So, I don't have to wait for long. Yipee!!!

    DH was more than interested when I told him about CrMS and NaPro. We watched a few videos about Dr. Hilgers and he agreed that we should go forward with NaPro. One year ago, I knew absolutely nothing about CrMS and NaPro. The only thing I knew was the Sympto Thermal Method :)

    This picture was taken one year ago at Virginia Beach. A few weeks later, I had my first Chemical Pregnancy. Sometimes, it feels surreal that I conceived thrice in one year. Probably, it's a good number given that I have one tube.

    In the last few months, God has blessed me in ways I could not have imagined. All the Catholic IF blogs have been an eye-opener. I know that I am not alone on this journey and I truly hope that NaPro is the answer we have been looking for. Dear Jesus, help us to trust in you as we continue our journey. My dear Mother, please continue praying for us.

    "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" Psalms 56:8

    Wednesday, March 23, 2011

    God has strengthened us through another Loss

    Yes, God has strengthened us through another loss. I am so thankful for all your prayers. We have been strengthened in a special way and feel so much at peace.

    The ultrasound on Monday revealed a thickened endometrium with no gestational sac. My ovaries looked normal and they didn't see any fluids, and so they ruled out an ectopic pregnancy. Praise be to God!

    After the ultrasound, my doc confirmed our suspicions of another miscarriage due to the low levels of HCG. I am thankful to God for leading us to such a kind-hearted doctor. God bless her soul! She was full of compassion when she told us that I had miscarried. Perhaps it was her compassion which made me so emotional and I cried like a baby. I am so thankful for my DH who had come with me. He held my hands while I cried. I felt so embarrassed for crying in front of my doctor but sometimes..........

    She told us that she didn't have answers and that we would need to see an Infertility Specialist to know why my body has been rejecting the fetus and not been able to sustain pregnancies. I love her because she was frank and didn't give us false hopes. I love her because she wasn't insensitive like my previous doctor who insisted that Chemical Pregnancies are very common and that we shouldn't worry. I love her because she didn't ask me to continue the miracle drug "Clomid". She wanted me to do a few blood tests for RPL and and she will be giving us the referral for an RE. Before she walked away, she said she will pray for us. How often can you hear that from your doctor? Even when I had the emergency surgery for my ectopic, neither the doctors nor the hospital staff mentioned anything about prayer.

    Yesterday morning, I woke up to some dark brown bleeding. By afternoon, it had changed to Red bleeding accompanied with severe cramps. I have been offering up all my sufferings to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. My doctor had told me to expect the bleeding to start in 3-5 days but I am thankful that I didn't have to wait for more than a day.

    Soon after our wedding, I told my DH that I wanted 4 children. :-) How silly of me but if only I knew what was in store for us. And now I have realized that we indeed have 4 little ones in heaven who are praying for us.

    This Lent has become so much more meaningful through our sufferings. Our families and friends have been praying for us and God has definitely turned all those prayers into immense grace. We have grown closer to God through prayers and Scripture Reading. We are so much at peace and can feel God working in our lives. We were filled with despair when we had our previous losses but we have so much of hope after this loss. We are not questioning God as to why this has happened. We know that our future is secure in God's hands. We needn't worry as he has seen our minds and souls in depth.

    Mother Mary, please continue interceding for us that we may never ever be separated from your beloved Son Jesus in the moments of trials and tribulations.

    Friday, March 18, 2011

    Prayers Needed

    Today, I got the results of my bloodwork from 18 DPO.
    16 DPO HCG - 27.6
    18 DPO HCG - 43

    As the numbers haven't doubled in 48 hours, the nurse said she isn't quite sure about this pregnancy. It could be an ectopic or an early miscarriage or a normal pregnancy. I have an early ultrasound on Monday to rule out the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy due to the slow rising HCG levels. I will be only 5 weeks on the day of ultrasound and I don't know what to expect. Isn't it too early to find a gestational sac?

    Please pray for us to our dear Lord. I know the Lord won't give us anything more than we can handle but the anxiety is tearing me apart. I am offering up all my worries to Jesus. There is nothing we can do other than patiently wait and pray. Mother Mary, please pray for us. I don't know if I can handle another ectopic. I feel so weak. I am trusting in the Lord's divine mercy and love. I request my Prayer Buddy to pray for us now more than before.

    Wednesday, March 16, 2011

    Thy Will Be Done

    Sometimes, it's so difficult to trust in the Lord when you have had repeated losses. And yet, you hope for a miracle because nothing is impossible for him.

    After getting faint HPTs from 11 DPO to 15 DPO, I finally had my blood drawn yesterday. It was 16 DPO. I had so much of hope amidst all my fears. Today the nurse called me with the results.
    HCG - 27.6
    Progesterone - 13.4

    I knew the HCG levels would be low but never did I imagine it to be this low... I started getting severe stomach cramps this afternoon. I am at a loss for words. My heart aches so much. I just wish the days would pass quickly. I need to go in for another blood draw tomorrow. I seem to have grown weary of crying.

    I know that the Lord is merciful and he will answer our prayers someday. I have to trust in him because he has a bigger plan for us.
    I am praying ardently for my Prayer Buddy and I know that the Lord will bring immense good out of our sufferings.

    Father, thy will be done. Be with me, O lord, in my greatest heart ache. Give me the grace to embrace my cross and carry it with perfect patience.

    Saturday, March 12, 2011

    Progesterone Levels

    My Progesterone on 7 DPO was 12.6 and my Doc said the numbers were good. I am so confused. I have read that the numbers should be above 20 for a medicated cycle. Since I was on Clomid this cycle, does it mean that my levels are low. Could it be the reason why I have been getting very faint positives. Do I need to supplement with Progesterone?

    Praying and hoping for the best!

    Thursday, March 10, 2011

    Can I Hope?

    Last evening after returning home from Mass, I had promised myself that I would wait until 14 DPO to take a HPT. When I woke up this morning, I forgot everything and had a strong urge to test although it was only 11 DPO. I dipped the strip in FMU and waited for how long I don't remember. I knew it was going to be negative and so I walked out and poured out my heart to the Lord. After a while, I came back and to my surprise, there was a very faint line. I couldn't believe it. I showed the strip to DH and he agreed there was a very faint line but he asked me to wait until it was clearly dark.

    I had a difficult time thinking clearly and a thousand questions played in my mind.
    What if it's an evaporation line???
    What if the tests don't get darker like the last time???
    What if it ends in an early m/c?
    Should I run to the store and get a few more tests to confirm?

    Oh my Dear Lord, I am so confused & worried. My heart is breaking to know if I have conceived or not. I don't have the patience to wait for a few more days. I need to trust in you Lord but somehow I feel so helpless. My Luteal Phase is usually 14 days. Should I wait to see if my period begins or not? Should I get a Beta HCG ?The last time, I tested positive from 12 DPO but the lines never darkened till 17 DPO. I had Beta draws and the levels dropped drastically and the doc said it was an Early Miscarriage.

    I have no symptoms thus far and it frightens me so much. I wish every bit of my body ached. I want to dream that this is the cycle that I have waited for... I want to hope that I will have a baby in my arms in another 9 months. I want to know that my baby has implanted well and is safe in my womb. Oh Jesus! Your will be done. Oh my dear Mother, please pray for us! Have mercy on us O Lord! Please give me the courage to accept your will. I thank you for all the blessings you have showered on us.

    Monday, March 7, 2011

    Clomid Ultrasound Update

    After taking 50mg Clomid from CD3 to CD7, I went in for my ultrasound on CD 13. I had been using OPKs from CD10 and hadn't detected a surge. The U/S revealed :
    • Left Ovary - 20 mm follicle
    • Right Ovary - 3 or 4 follicles which looked good (don't know the size)
    My doc walked in with a great smile and assured me that I would be ovulating "soon" from my left side (the side with the remaining tube) because of the 20mm follicle. When I told her that I still hadn't got a OPK+, she was surprised and asked me to continue testing for a day or 2 and not to forget to BD every other day. So, I assumed I would be ovulating on CD14 or 15 and continued using OPKs and BD-ing. Hmmm.. I was wrong. I ovulated only on CD 18. I wonder how big the 20mm follicle would have been when I finally ovulated. 28mm? 30mm???

    I had severe lower back pain for a couple of days around OV. The pain was so severe that I thought I had sprained my back. I couldn't walk or bend. I still don't know if it was the CLOMID.

    I also went in for a Progesterone draw 7 days past ovulation. Waiting for the results. My pre-ovulatory temps were higher than usual this cycle but my post-ov temps are still lurking around. Nothing remarkable!

    On a different note, my husband's family and my family have been reciting the "Apostles' Creed" daily for 33 times. It needs to be recited for 33 days. Perhaps it signifies the 33 years of Jesus life. Hubby & I have joined in and as we recite the Creed, I have realized how meaningful each word is. Can any prayer be more powerful than professing our Catholic faith?

    "I believe in God the Father Almighty... " Yes, I do believe firmly.

    Monday, February 21, 2011

    First Clomid Cycle

    We have begun our First Cycle of Clomid. It was not an easy decision to make. I called my Mom and she spoke to one our Family Friends who is a Gynecologist in India. This doctor is a Catholic and she is 80 years old. She is close to my family and is a very sweet person. She told it was perfectly ok to start Clomid since I had already undergone HSG and my only remaining tube was clear. She recommended to take Clomid for upto 6 months but not more than that.

    I took 50 mg of Clomid CD3 to CD7. I was worried & scared about the possible side-effects but nothing significant thus far. Yes, I have been feeling emotional and angry but it is manageable. I am scheduled for an Ultrasound on CD 13. Somehow, I don't feel anxious or frustrated. I don't know if Clomid is going to make any difference. But we need to do something. Since my insurance doesn't cover Clomid, we had to pay $5 for each 50 mg Generic Clomiphene Citrate tablet or $25 for 1 cycle which isn't bad. The Clomid brand would cost more without insurance like around $100 for five 50mg tablets.

    I have started taking Tussin hoping that it will help with Cervical Mucus which often dries up with Clomid. I also read Marilyn Shannon's book "Fertility, Cycles & Nutrition". I have started taking Professional Pre-natal Vitamins as recommended in the book. I haven't felt any major difference but it is too early to tell.
    I don't know if I can be labeled as infertile. I was able to conceive so does that make me less infertile? I wish I had answers.
    Oh my dear Jesus, please strengthen me on this journey. I need your guidance in everything I do. Oh my dear Mother, please pray for us always.

    Friday, February 4, 2011

    San Thome Basilica

    San Thome Basilica (Basilica of the National Shrine of St. Thomas) is a Roman Catholic minor basilica in the city of Chennai (Madras), India. It was built in the 16th century by Portuguese explorers, and rebuilt again with the status of a cathedral by the British in 1893. It is the resting place of St. Thomas the Apostle of Jesus. The present National Shrine of St.Thomas is built over the tomb of Saint Thomas the Apostle.

    My hubby grew up going to this Holy Shrine. How blessed !!! I have been to Santhome a few times and  consider myself lucky. In the whole world, there are only three churches built over the tomb of an Apostle of Jesus Christ - the Basilica of Saint Peter built over the tomb of St.Peter in Rome, Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela built over the tomb of St. James in Spain and Basilica of the National Shrine of St.Thomas built over the tomb of St.Thomas.

    Glory to you Lord!

    Where do I begin this Wonderful Story

    I am a Cradle Catholic hailing from a beautiful country (India) with less than 2% Catholics (17 million). I come from one of the Southern most States of India - the state where St. Thomas the Apostle introduced Christianity in the 1st Century, the state where St. Alphonsa (the First Woman Saint of India) grew up.

    I met my wonderful husband in the Summer of 2005 and we got married in May 2008. My hubby had the gift of going to a Catholic School and he is a devoted Catholic in every way. We came to US soon after our Wedding as part of hubby's work.

    We were introduced to NFP for the first time while attending our Pre-Marriage Classes. The NFP Instructor wasn't impressive and she mentioned "something" about Cervical Fluid. The class was the least informative but we were convinced that Contraception is a sin. Nevertheless, with our limited knowledge, we decided to follow NFP to postpone pregnancy. :-) Low and behold, I fell pregnant 2 months after our wedding. I never knew I was Pregnant until I went to the Emergency Room with severe Bleeding and unbearable pain. I had a ruptured Fallopian Tube and had to undergo a Laparascopic Surgery in August 2008 to remove my right tube. The doc suggested that we take a TTC break for atleast 6 months to allow my body to heal. He was "kind enough" to prescribe Birth Control Pills & we refused. BCP is relatively uncommon in India and I wondered why the doc had suggested BCP. Now I know how common BCP is in US !!! :)

    We decided to wait for a while before starting a family. After all, we were just married! On our 1st Wedding Anniversary, I suggested TTC to hubby but he wasn't ready yet. Deep down I was worried and I prayed to God. Six months later, my dear hubby agreed. We began our TTC journey, hoping to be pregnant the very first month. It didn't work and I started learning more about Ovulation, Cervical Mucus, BBT and everything possible. In April 2010, I got my first positive test. It was faint and hubby asked me to wait until the line was really dark. After 2 days of Positive HPTs, it became negative and my period started. I still don't know if those were False Positives or True Positives but I strongly believe that I was pregnant. Meanwhile, my Ob/Gyn was least helpful and introduced me to the term "Chemical Pregnancy". He suggested HSG and Clomid. We weren't keen about Clomid but decided to undergo HSG to know if my remaining tube was in good condition. The HSG was done on the day of our Second Wedding Anniversary & revealed a "Perfect Tube"!!!

    We continued our TTC Journey and I again fell pregnant in Nov 2010 but this time I was spotting. I went to my Ob/Gyn and after a series of Blood Works, he labeled it as an "Early Spontaneous Abortion". Again he suggested BCP and we decided it was time to find a new doc.

    It's 2011 and I find a new Ob/Gyn who again suggests Clomid and a SA for hubby. We are still wondering if we should start seeing an RE. Clomid somehow scares me. Meanwhile, I discovered a few Catholic blogs and it was so comforting to know there are so many others struggling with IF. I am still trying to find out if there's anything wrong with my body. My Periods were fairly regular (30-32 days) until my ectopic pregnancy. Now my cycles can be anywhere between 22 - 50 days and I had a couple of Anovulatory Cycles. I don't have Painful Periods and have never been diagnosed with Thyroid Issues, PCOS or Endo. Probably it's time to see an RE who can help me!

    We pray to our Lord to strengthen us on this journey and we are confident that he would bless us one day....

    Love & Prayers
    Blessed Be Lord