Thursday, April 21, 2011

Grieving this Holy Week

This month has been hard in many ways. Grief has hit me at the most unexpected times.

My first baby which I lost to ectopic in August 2008 would have completed 2 years this April. Happy 2nd Birthday to our little one in heaven! We love you so much. Sometimes, I wonder how my life would have been with a 2 year old running around the house.

After 5 cycles of TTC, I had conceived last April only to find out that it is was a Chemical Pregnancy. I hate the term so much. And a friend who fell pregnant around the same time has a beautiful 4 month old baby. Every time I hold the baby, I feel joy & pain at the same time.

Last Easter, I prayed for a child whole-heartedly. We were just beginning our infertility journey. I truly believed that God would give us a child by this Easter. As another Easter approaches, my heart breaks to know that we are still childless.

On top of all this, my miscarriage cycle which began on March 22nd feels so long since I seem to have ovulated really late. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long for a new cycle to begin.
I have begun CrMS Charting this month. I know I should be thankful to God for leading me to Creighton but I feel sad for having wasted a year and half, hoping that I would be pregnant without any help. I dread the long wait which comes with CrMS and NaPro. I know I need to chart for 2 cycles before I get to see a NaPro Physician. And I don't know how many more months I need to wait before I can start a treatment protocol. I just wish somebody would treat me based on my 14 months of Sympto-Thermal Charting! At times, I feel I am back to square one.

I know that I need to be patient and trust in the Lord for his perfect timing. But everywhere I look, I see babies and happy families. I know I have a long road ahead and I fear that I will never reach the other end of the road.

Oh my dear Jesus, please please do not abandon me. I am so weak and I feel helpless struggling under the wieght of my cross. I just wish I had something to hope for this Easter. I am praying for all the Blogger Ladies, especially for my prayer buddy.

Wishing you all a Blessed Easter !!!
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6 comments:

  1. A Martha trying to be MaryApril 21, 2011 at 6:04 PM

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the feel all too well. Give CrMS time, I am sure it will give you many answers. I know its hard to be patient, but it will for sure help you. Will be praying for you in the next few days.

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  2. WheelbarrowRiderApril 22, 2011 at 3:14 PM

    Blessed Easter to you too. I am sorry this time of year brings up so many painful memories, but you have something extra special this year with Creighton-renewed Hope!

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  3. alliemichApril 23, 2011 at 9:38 AM

    Happy Easter to you too, may our risen Lord bring you peach during your time of sadness remembering such heavy hard losses of your sweet children who are know singing with the angels in heaven.

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  4. Irene RoeApril 23, 2011 at 5:39 PM

    I understand the feeling of waisted time. I felt that my entire 20's decade was wasted time. Hang in there...you will get some answers soon and good things are going to happen. Praying for you!

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  5. Amy @ This Cross I EmbraceApril 23, 2011 at 6:42 PM

    Just found your blog and look forward to reading more as you begin your beautiful, life-giving journey with NaPro :) The two month wait is a bummer, but the fruits that will come from good, holistic, Catholic healthcare are priceless.

    May God Bless you this Easter, and I will remember you in my prayers at Mass.

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  6. Nicole CApril 25, 2011 at 11:25 AM

    I know the hesitation and emotions that come with Napro. I charted for about a year before I could see a physician, just b/c my cycles are SO funky. So no worries - 2 cycles will fly by! I pray Napro gives you some answers!

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