Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Harden not my heart Oh Lord!

Why do you allow yourself to cling onto hope cycle after cycle? After last cycle's let down, I had convinced myself that I wouldn't worry myself in the post-peak phase. I was wrong!

The first few days of the post-peak phase went ok and I was completely normal. This was short lived. I began Progesterone on P+3. I hate you Progesterone for Pregnancy like Symptoms which I couldn't ignore how much ever I tried. I had slight lower left cramps occasionally and I kept wondering if it was implantation. I had sore bbs and tried convincing myself that it was a pregnancy symptom.

With the Prayer Buddy Season going, I kept reassuring myself that I could be pregnant this cycle. I allowed myself to hope and dream. I was so happy to see Pregnancy Announcements and it gave me more hope. Moreover, last month was the 3rd anniversary of my Ectopic Pregnancy and I hoped that God would bless me once again with a pregnancy. Who am I to demand?

I had convinced myself that I wouldn't waste a HPT until I was P+14. But I remembered how I had got faint positives from 10DPO with my previous miscarriages. And as every cycle, I tested on P+10 to find absolutely nothing. So here I am back to reality after shedding a few tears. I am convinced that it is not easy to get pregnant with one tube. I don't even know if I am ovulating on the side I have the tube. I have failed miserably. I don't know what I need to do. I feel numb. I keep getting negative thoughts like I am never going to be pregnant and that I will be childless. I know these thoughts are from the devil.

I know I will get through this cycle but Prayer Buddy if you could say an extra prayer for me. I need hope to go on in life. I don't want to be a miserable human being. I need the grace to accept my cross with joy. I need to grow in love and faith. My dear Jesus, please give me patience as I struggle under the weight of my cross. Harden not my heart Oh Lord! Make me humble. Allow me to love you more and more. My dear Mother, please intercede for me. May my suffering bring me closer to your beloved Son and help me on my journey to Heaven.

6 comments:

  1. I know all too well what these feelings are like...I still go through them myself. :( Praying for you!!

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  2. I am not your prayer buddy, but I am praying for you...

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  3. I am so sorry. Praying for you.

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  4. Hate those days when you aren't sure. What a beautiful prayer. I'm praying for you too.

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  5. These are awful feelings, I know. Post peak is torture for so many reasons. I will be praying for you.

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  6. Don't give up. Anything is possible with God!. I will pray for you - the 2ww is the worst part of my cycle too ... its the hope and the deflation that kills me!!!

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