Immune Protocol and Other Updates

Wow! I have been away from my blog for so long. The reason being that I don't have much happening treatment wise unlike the previous years.

This cycle we are doing the full Immune Protocol. I began Lovenox Shots on CD 6. My belly is bruised but I am glad that I have kind of overcome my fear of needles. I also took Clomid 50mg from CD 3-7. Today is CD 14 and I have seen some really good CM. I will be starting Prednisone 2 days after ovulation - most likely 2 days after my temp rises or after P+3.

Am I hopeful? No! I am not but I still want to do this protocol for three months before I quit. I had a phone call from a cousin who is expecting her fourth baby. Her third baby turned one last week. I am happy for them but what hurts me the most is how she thinks of it as an unplanned pregnancy. She went on to tell how she plans to get herself fixed after this baby is born. I gently reminded her that it is a sin to get sterilized. I really don't get it how people take their fertility for granted.

I thank God everyday for this cross of IF because that is what made us open to life in the first place. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had normal fertility. Most likely, I would have got myself mutilated after having 2 or 3 kids.

God used IF to change my heart in ways I cannot even comprehend. I desire to have a large family, to stand out as a witness, to tell my family and friends that we value life, to show the world that God plans our family and we don't. However, God knows better. He knows that is not the path of sanctification for me. He desires humility from me. He desires us to be open to life whether we get to raise a child or not. And so the world may never know that we are open to life. We may never be able to witness with a large family. We may never be able to set an example for siblings to follow. All we can do is suffer for Jesus in reparation for our sins and those of others.

If I make it to heaven, all this won't matter. I hope and pray for God's grace to follow his will.

Thank You

Now that August is coming to an end, I would like to thank each one of you for praying for me this month. I have no words to express how much your prayers have helped me this month.

No, we have not conceived as this was a Break Cycle for us but far better things have happened on the spiritual front. We decided to take a break from ovulatory drugs and charting this month as we were going on a vacation. I didn't feel bad about taking a break cycle instead it was liberating. We went away on a Cruise the second week of August and had a wonderful time. After the vacation I ended up with a Bad Sinus infection and took antibiotics. So my cycle was kind of messed up. I had Fertile CM for several days. It must have been the Amoxicillin I took. I have never seen so much CM in my life. I don't know if my body was trying badly to ovulate or if it was the antibiotic, I had continuous mucus for more than 10 days. It's CD 30 and am still waiting for AF to arrive or I think I will have to start Progesterone.

On the spiritual front, I don't know why but the Holy Spirit had been nudging me to make a General Confession. As usual, I had all kinds of anxiety about making a General Confession even though I frequent the Sacrament of Penance bi-weekly or monthly. Thanks to all your prayers, I was able to do it and have felt so much peace ever since. It was such a humbling experience. If you haven't had a general confession in a while, I urge you to do it. It feels so good to come out the confessional with a light heart.

God hasn't promised us happiness in this life but a life of suffering can help us reach heaven. It makes so much sense to me. I only pray that God gives me the graces needed to handle this suffering well.

On a different note, after my most recent miscarriage, I tried focusing on diet and exercise to keep my mind busy. I even tried eating grain-free & paleo for a while but it didn't last. I have serious commitment issues when it comes to diet. I cannot seem to do a diet for more than 2 weeks. I can't even remember the number of times I have started different diets like Whole 30, Paleo and so on only to stop it after a few days. How do you girls do it? I need some help in this area. I need to stay focused but I don't know how. My goal is to lose 15 lbs if it means becoming closer to a healthier me and maybe an increased chance for a healthy pregnancy. I lost 15-20 lbs last year but I have a hit a plateau and the weight doesn't seem to nudge. I have started working out at home so that I can't make excuses for not hitting the gym. I have been hooked onto Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds program. It makes me sweat so much and feels better than walking on the treadmill for an hour. It's gentle on my knees and I don't have to worry about hurting my back. I know I have to be patient but I wish I could get instant results. If only I could lose the flab around my belly and get the Insulin Resistance under control without drugs, I would be so happy!

Looking forward for the next Adopt-a-Blogger!

Five Years Ago on This Day

We lost our first Child - Bernadette Mary. I had an emergency surgery to remove my ruptured fallopian tube. God showed his mercy on me and spared my life when I was not in a state of grace. Five years later, I have learnt a lot about my faith and I know how important it is to be in a state of grace without any taint of mortal sin on your soul. Monthly and Weekly Confessions don't make me weary any more. Deo Gratias!

Adopt a Blogger - August

Wow! I have been selected as the blogger for this month's "Adopt A Blogger". I feel so blessed. Thank you Lord and thank you for all your prayers!

I had to take a break from Blogs and FB. It was overwhelming me!!! I was spending at least 1 hour daily which means wasting 7 hours a week doing pretty much nothing. Almost a full working day when I could have prayed or attended daily Mass or done something useful! Well very randomly, I logged into FB today and that's when I realized that I was going to be prayed for this entire month. Thank you once again!

If you are new to my blog, you can read more about us and our TTC journey here. DH and I have been married for 5 years. We have had seven pregnancy losses - 1 ectopic and the rest were all early miscarriages. We have been doing both NaPro and Reproductive Immunology treatments. Thanks to all the blogs which helped us find more about NaPro and Dr. KK. In fact, I found my CrMS practitioner through Catholic IF Blogs. God has been guiding us and helped us pursue treatments without going against Church teachings.

Suffering has brought us closer to God in many ways. We were Cradle Catholics but we didn't live our lives as good Catholics for a long time. Over the last five years, our hearts have changed and the graces have flowed abundantly. We no longer fear Suffering. Instead, we know it is the path to Heaven. God has blessed our marriage abundantly. Our desire is to raise children here on earth for God. I so often try to imagine what it would be like to have a large family. However, we pray for peace and joy if that is not what God wills. Here are a few book recommendations for all those going through Suffering :

• Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence
• Why Must I Suffer?
• Consoling the Heart of Jesus 

We will be continuing treatments for a while before we look into adoption or move on. Thank you once again! I already feel so much peace. God Bless you!

Why Must I Suffer?

The past two weeks have not been all that great. The days have gone really slow. I sometimes feel it's been ages since I saw the two lines on the HPT and the roller coaster ride which followed. As soon as I knew about the falling HCG levels, I just wanted the bleeding to begin so that I could get over with the pain. Well, I began bleeding last Monday and since I was on the blood thinners, there were no clots. Just bright red blood for several days. The first few days I didn't get out of the bed except to eat. The cramps and my emotions were enough to keep me on bed. I didn't want to cook or clean or do anything. I would cry myself to sleep and then wake up with a headache. And then I would feel guilty for not doing anything. I was immersed in self-pity and thought I was on the verge of depression. Thanks to my husband who put up with his emotional wife!

God knew better and wanted me to understand Suffering. He didn't want me to wallow in self-pity. And then, very randomly, we heard a sermon on audiosancto.org about Suffering. The priest mentioned a Catholic book "Why Must I Suffer?" (originally published in 1935) and DH bought it for me. I needed it. I needed to know the meaning of suffering. I needed to find answers. While I haven't read the book completely, I highly recommend it to anyone who needs to know more about suffering. I have often asked God "Why me?" or "Why should I Suffer?". The book has spoken to me loudly. It has touched my soul.

The book mentions fifteen reasons for suffering and some points have stood out to me.

To quote, "the sufferings of Purgatory are entirely unmeritorious. This means, that no matter how intensely the soul suffers there, nor how long, though it were for a thousand years, she cannot thereby procure for herself so much as a single new degree of merit by which to increase her glory in  Heaven. With all her pain, such a soul cannot earn for herself as much as you can by patiently bearing an insult, or suffering the prick of a pin, or denying yourself the pleasures of a dance or a movie or an ice cream soda. All that a soul in Purgatory is able to do is cancel by slow degrees the whole debt of her punishment, that part excepted which God in His mercy remits by reason of the prayers and good works offered for her by the faithful on earth........"
"These considerations will convince you of the wonderful advantages of present over future sufferings. Whatever you endure in this life, besides its power to atone for your sins, has great efficacy for making you rich in grace and glory. Moment by moment, day by day, year by year, you are at one and the same time canceling your debt and amassing additional claims to greater happiness in Heaven; and the more numerous and painful your sufferings, the more abundant and varied will be your merits." - Chapter Six

So I continue striving to become what God wants me to be. I have failed plenty of times but I pray that I get better with each new day. At least, I have come out of the Self-Pity mode and I am trying to keep myself busy with distractions like Diet and Exercise. More on that in another post. Thank you for all your prayers which have sustained me through difficult times.