Yesterday was an emotional day for me. As I saw our beloved Pope Benedict XVI saying his
farewell, my eyes swelled with tears and my heart felt heavy. It was a familiar feeling. Something similar to losing a loved one. I don’t
have enough words to thank our beloved Papa for all that he has done for
Christ’s Church.
Five years back, I don't think I would have cried at this news. I most probably would not have cared a bit and would have gone about with my daily business. But the Lord changed my heart over the years as I came back to the Church and her teachings. I was lost for so long but God's mercy never abandoned me. And today I am proud of my Catholic faith and nothing in this world matters to me more than my faith.
Yesterday, as I sat down jotting my pondering thoughts about our IF journey in my journal, I felt abandoned. I felt I was hoping against hope after all the failed cycles and miscarriages. I even felt that my trip to Chicago and Omaha wasn't needed. I clung onto hope the last 2 cycles keeping track of every symptom hoping that I would have life in my womb. But after a few negative HPTs, I didn't have anything to do. My heart was crushed and I didn't want to do a cycle review with PPVI. I felt nothing in the world could help my broken body.
Finally, I gave in and did a cycle review. 6 more months of Biaxin for both of us from CD 1-10. And more blood draws for an Amenorrhea panel, which means I will have to ship blood to Omaha. I am yet to find a lab which will help me. I don't even want to continue treatments.
I have waited so long for a miracle and I don't know if I can continue like this without hope. I just want to STOP everything! But I am weak and afraid. I don't have the courage to say "I am DONE". What if I haven't done everything I could have? What if this last treatment is going to help me? What if the next month will be my answered prayers? What if I am this close to a miracle? What if I am this close to the veil of suffering which will be lifted up before my eyes?
My heart tells me not to give up, to hold on for one last time, to hope and trust. It can't be far, can it be? When it feels so difficult to walk, I must be nearing my destination, right? When my body can no longer go on, I must be close to my miracle, isn't it? I am waiting for that day in my life - the day when I get to hold my baby in my arms and I hope against hope that it won't be too long.
Five years back, I don't think I would have cried at this news. I most probably would not have cared a bit and would have gone about with my daily business. But the Lord changed my heart over the years as I came back to the Church and her teachings. I was lost for so long but God's mercy never abandoned me. And today I am proud of my Catholic faith and nothing in this world matters to me more than my faith.
Yesterday, as I sat down jotting my pondering thoughts about our IF journey in my journal, I felt abandoned. I felt I was hoping against hope after all the failed cycles and miscarriages. I even felt that my trip to Chicago and Omaha wasn't needed. I clung onto hope the last 2 cycles keeping track of every symptom hoping that I would have life in my womb. But after a few negative HPTs, I didn't have anything to do. My heart was crushed and I didn't want to do a cycle review with PPVI. I felt nothing in the world could help my broken body.
Finally, I gave in and did a cycle review. 6 more months of Biaxin for both of us from CD 1-10. And more blood draws for an Amenorrhea panel, which means I will have to ship blood to Omaha. I am yet to find a lab which will help me. I don't even want to continue treatments.
I have waited so long for a miracle and I don't know if I can continue like this without hope. I just want to STOP everything! But I am weak and afraid. I don't have the courage to say "I am DONE". What if I haven't done everything I could have? What if this last treatment is going to help me? What if the next month will be my answered prayers? What if I am this close to a miracle? What if I am this close to the veil of suffering which will be lifted up before my eyes?
My heart tells me not to give up, to hold on for one last time, to hope and trust. It can't be far, can it be? When it feels so difficult to walk, I must be nearing my destination, right? When my body can no longer go on, I must be close to my miracle, isn't it? I am waiting for that day in my life - the day when I get to hold my baby in my arms and I hope against hope that it won't be too long.
It's so hard knowing how far to go. Praying that peace may guide your heart
ReplyDeleteOh my dear, I am praying for you! It is hard to know when to continue treatments and when to take a break, discernment is key. What does your DH say? Praying that God give you peace for whatever decision you make!
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to get discouraged when you've been at this for so long. When you wrote that it feels difficult to walk and that your body can no longer go on, I thought of Jesus carrying the cross to Calvary. He knows your pain. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI pray that your wait isn't much longer. I want so bad for you to be a mom!! Praying for peace in your heart and fortitude and perseverance with treatment.
ReplyDelete