Thursday, October 10, 2013

It's not just about Me & Prayers....

There are days when I am reminded that my suffering is not about me. There are days when I think of my heart-wrenching suffering and still find comfort because by the grace of God I have faith and know my suffering can lead me to Heaven.

I don't know if it's too personal but I thought I would share this with you all because I appreciate your prayers. IF runs in my family. It must be in the genes !!! Three of my Mom's sisters have struggled with IF and pregnancy losses. Two of my aunts lost both their fallopian tubes to ectopic pregnancies. Another aunt had recurrent miscarriages and a still birth. All this was many years ago, maybe 15-20. I know all of them did IVF at some point or the other. I was a child and didn't know much about IVF except that it was the gold standard for treatment in India. One aunt went on to conceive a child with the help of IVF. Another aunt adopted a child after many failed IVF attempts. Coming to the third aunt.....

I was speaking to my Mom yesterday. My third aunt (her youngest sister) has been suffering a difficult marriage for the last few years. They have been married for around 18 years. She had six failed rounds of IVF and adoption didn't work for them. All this has been taking a toll on their marriage. Her husband stopped going to Church and has lost faith in God. Last year, her husband started asking her to find a surrogate and to use donor eggs. He has become physically and verbally abusive, and he even wants a legal divorce since my aunt doesn't want to do the surrogate thing. My Mom was in tears when she told me about this immense cross my aunt and her husband are facing. I didn't have words to comfort my mom. I offered to pray for them wholeheartedly. Can you ladies say a few prayers for my aunt and her husband?

And coming to the others news... I was doing the immune protocol this cycle. I took a HPT on P+10 and had a positive but the joy was short-lived. I saw brown mucus for two days and knew it wasn't a good sign. Surely this cannot be happening for the eight time? I went on and took PIO shots. I started spotting after the shots - sometimes brown, sometimes red. I have been cramping and feel like AF will arrive soon. I haven't done any Betas and decided to wait it out to see if the lines get darker. I am still doing the Lovenox shots and Prednisone. Today is P+14 and my heart feels heavy. But on days like these, I am reminded that my suffering needs to be offered up for others. I have lots of pray for - my aunt, bloggers who recently lost their precious babies to miscarriage and stillbirth, and ladies who are still waiting for a miracle.

The news about my aunt has been a silent stab in my chest. My own suffering suddenly seemed nothing compared to my aunt's. How many ladies suffer because their husbands want them to do IVF and other stuff? How many couples have failed marriages because of IF? How many couples divorce and live in adultery because of IF?

And here God has blessed me beyond my understanding with the most compassionate husband. I would never have survived IF if not for my husband's love and faith. I thank God immensely for my husband and his solid faith. My husband may never get to hold a child in his arms but I know he will never compromise his morals for a baby. He will never go against his faith. I see him leading me to Heaven by sharing our cross in the most graceful way. How often have I failed to be a good wife? How often have I taken my husband for granted?

There are days when I feel so blessed. I have been able to meet the best doctors in this country. I have had the option to try out many new treatments. I sometimes fear another ectopic and losing my remaining tube like both my aunts. Then I am reminded that maybe progesterone supplementation will prevent it. What if my aunts had their ectopic pregnancies because of low progesterone? What if they had access to NaPro treatments to help them? Their lives may have been different !!! I don't know and I can never comprehend how God works. His ways are so mysterious. I just pray that God brings immense good from all this evil. I pray that God uses my suffering to convert others. I pray that our marriage will always be strong no matter how difficult our cross may be. Can you say a prayer for all couples struggling with IF?

And this had been my favorite prayer for the last few days:

"O my Jesus, it is for love of Thee, for the conversion of sinners and in reparation for sins committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I offer this sacrifice to Thee."


  1. I will be praying for your aunt and her husband. I cannot imagine The Man pressuring me to do surrogacy or anything else, that would be unbearable, perhaps more so than IF itself.

    Continued prayers for you as well!

  2. Prayers for your aunt and uncle.

    I, too, had an aunt and uncle that never had children. They tried IVF a few times and were even pregnant twice, but both ended in miscarriage. Like you, I often think, "What if they had been able to see a NaPro doctor?" I wonder if their IF was caused by something so minor that could have been fixed if doctors had just known more back then. They're hard questions to ask because we will never know the answer now.

    Sending up prayers for all couples struggling with IF, especially for you and your husband. I'm so happy you have such a Christ-centered husband to help you through this.

  3. Praying for your aunt and her husband! What a tough situation to be in. I can't imagine my DH pressuring me to go against our faith I agree w/ Rebecca I think that would be harder than the IF.

  4. Praying for you and for your fam, especially your aunt and uncle. That is heartbreaking.