Friday, April 20, 2012

The Cross gets heavier

I was on HCG this cycle and I decided to test to satisfy my curiosity. Today is P+13 and there was no magical line on that cheapo HPT strip. The HCG is out of my system! And along with the HCG, my hopes have gone. I feel pathetic. I knew I would have high hopes on a new medication only to hit rock bottom. Why can't I get to see two dark lines?

My thoughts are wandering. One more month and it's our 4th wedding anniversary. And this month was the due date of our first baby lost to ectopic pregnancy. I am supposed to have a 3 year old with me! And here I am as good as where we started. I don't have children here on earth. I just wish I didn't have to think of Infertility every single day. Not a second goes by without thinking of IF. It is a part of who I am. I wish I could forget about IF and live happily with my husband. This is a heavy cross to bear and I wish I could handle it in a better way. I wish I could handle suffering with grace like the saints instead of feeling pathetic and lashing out on my husband.


19 comments:

  1. I feel this could have been something I wrote a year ago. This is a very heavy cross, but don't feel bad for being excited and having hope. You need that, and it is definately not pathetic. I will help carry this cross with you by offering my prayers for you...

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  2. Hugs. This post breaks my heart and I'm praying for you a lot. I am currently feeling many of those same emotions and just sigh...Praying.

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  3. I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs and prayers. I wish I could lift that cross off of you and throw it away! :(

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  4. I know it is hard, but try to keep trudging forward. I, too, should have a 3 year old here with me. I should also have a 1 and a half year old. I also felt so frustrated after each failed cycle, and each new medication that brought some hope but still left me with an unsuccessful cycle. So many have been in your shoes before and are praying for you. It takes patience and lots of persistence to live out this cross the Catholic way. You have the heavens on your side. Fear not!

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  5. I am so sorry for yet another failed cycle, but as the other stated don't give up. You are doing the right things and ultimately so much of our lives are out of our control. God is with you every step of the way even when those steps are incredibly painful. You are in my prayers.

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  6. I am sorry you are hurting. Hang in there!

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  7. I'm sorry! Adding my prayers, too.

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  8. You've been through so much. It's so hard. Keep praying and moving forward. You will find peace and He will bring beauty out of this pain. Praying for you- thanks for sharing and keep sharing.

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  9. I'm there with you. I've never seen that 2nd line on the HPT, even after so many cycles of HCG. 8(

    As for the saints... I think there are MANY of them who would tell you (and me - as I've always felt that I do not suffer well either) that they struggled, too.

    All 'ye holy men and women of God, pray for us! Hugs and prayers, my friend!!

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  10. This cross is so heavy, even heavier when you've miscarried. Lifting you up as I type.

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  11. I absolutely could have written these words, myself. My poor, poor husband. Suffering is HARD, and it's meant to be. We are human, after all. Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact of the matter is, you recognize that you are suffering and that you wish you could suffer better... that is a crucial step to suffering better!! Your husband understands, and he loves you.
    I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. Adding to those prayers.

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  12. So sorry for your pain. :(

    Thank you for what you said about having high hopes after trying a new medication only to hit rock bottom. I feel I am in a similar place right now.

    Praying for you, Blessed Be.

    Do you know how long hCG can stay in your body after an injection?

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    1. I had my HCG shots on P+4,6,8 and it was gone by P+13. It stayed 5 days in my body but again it depends on the sensitivity of the HPT you are using to test and how much HCG you have injected. I began testing on P+11 and I saw a nice dark line. By P+13, the test was negative. My doc told me not to test until P+18 but I only made it to P+15 before AF arrived!!!
      Most people recommend waiting 10 days after your last shot.

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  13. That really sucks. I'll pray for you!

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  14. I am so sorry. hope you are felling a little better. Praying for you.

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