Thursday, January 5, 2012

A New Year and renewed hopes

2012 - A brand new year and I am ready to start over. After the worst kind of heartache during Christmas, thanks to all your prayers and words of encouragement, I feel much better and am getting ready to face a new year.

I owe a special thanks to my Prayer Buddy Perfect Power in Weakness for giving me renewed hopes. She gifted me the perfect book which I know will help me heal my broken heart - "When Love & Sorrow Embrace - The sufficiency of God's Grace through the heartache of Miscarriage" by Beth Forbus.

This Sunday, I will be traveling to India for a month long vacation. I will be meeting my family after two and half years. I am so excited and nervous! I am happy and sad at the same time. Happy that I will be with family. Sad that I am still childless. I will be meeting my pregnant SIL for the first time. I am so happy for her but I am worried that I will make her feel bad. I dread the IF conversations I am going to have with family and relatives. But I guess, this is part of my purgatory and I need to accept it.

I have been thinking so much about the future. I am constantly worrying about what needs to be done with regards to Fertility. I know I have just begun my journey. I know my body has a problem supporting a pregnancy. After 5 losses, I know it's not a fluke. Something is seriously off and I pray that God will guide me to answers.

I am so uncertain of the path I should take. I don't know if I should go to Omaha and if Dr.Hil.gers will be able to help me out. I found a blog where a lady went on to have a successful pregnancy after having repeated early miscarriages. She was treated by Dr. Less.ey in SC with Femara and HCG Booster shots and had a successful pregnancy. The success rates for those who have had recurrent losses seem to be 80% with this particular course of treatment. I am tempted to ask my NaPro doctor to follow the same protocol but who knows if it will work for me. I also read a little about Reproductive Immunology and Little Joann was kind enough to guide me about Dr. Kw.ak-Ki.m's treatment protocol. There is so much information and I am having difficulty comprehending everything like Elevated NKs and betas not rising due to immune system attacking.
I need to take things one-at-a-time and come out with a plan. And that way I wouldn't feel bad that I didn't do enough to prevent another miscarriage.

I don't know if I should take a break from TTC until I find some definite answers. But then I worry if I will be wasting my cycles. Am I being irresponsible? Also, I don't know if I will be able to forgive myself if I go through another miscarriage. I am praying for discernment. God, please guide me. I am so weak.

I don't know what God has in store for me but I wait in hope to see where he leads me on this journey. There maybe more heartaches but I know he will never abandon us. Wishing you all a blessed year ahead!