Thursday, January 5, 2012

A New Year and renewed hopes

2012 - A brand new year and I am ready to start over. After the worst kind of heartache during Christmas, thanks to all your prayers and words of encouragement, I feel much better and am getting ready to face a new year.

I owe a special thanks to my Prayer Buddy Perfect Power in Weakness for giving me renewed hopes. She gifted me the perfect book which I know will help me heal my broken heart - "When Love & Sorrow Embrace - The sufficiency of God's Grace through the heartache of Miscarriage" by Beth Forbus.

This Sunday, I will be traveling to India for a month long vacation. I will be meeting my family after two and half years. I am so excited and nervous! I am happy and sad at the same time. Happy that I will be with family. Sad that I am still childless. I will be meeting my pregnant SIL for the first time. I am so happy for her but I am worried that I will make her feel bad. I dread the IF conversations I am going to have with family and relatives. But I guess, this is part of my purgatory and I need to accept it.

I have been thinking so much about the future. I am constantly worrying about what needs to be done with regards to Fertility. I know I have just begun my journey. I know my body has a problem supporting a pregnancy. After 5 losses, I know it's not a fluke. Something is seriously off and I pray that God will guide me to answers.

I am so uncertain of the path I should take. I don't know if I should go to Omaha and if Dr.Hil.gers will be able to help me out. I found a blog where a lady went on to have a successful pregnancy after having repeated early miscarriages. She was treated by Dr. Less.ey in SC with Femara and HCG Booster shots and had a successful pregnancy. The success rates for those who have had recurrent losses seem to be 80% with this particular course of treatment. I am tempted to ask my NaPro doctor to follow the same protocol but who knows if it will work for me. I also read a little about Reproductive Immunology and Little Joann was kind enough to guide me about Dr. Kw.ak-Ki.m's treatment protocol. There is so much information and I am having difficulty comprehending everything like Elevated NKs and betas not rising due to immune system attacking.
I need to take things one-at-a-time and come out with a plan. And that way I wouldn't feel bad that I didn't do enough to prevent another miscarriage.

I don't know if I should take a break from TTC until I find some definite answers. But then I worry if I will be wasting my cycles. Am I being irresponsible? Also, I don't know if I will be able to forgive myself if I go through another miscarriage. I am praying for discernment. God, please guide me. I am so weak.

I don't know what God has in store for me but I wait in hope to see where he leads me on this journey. There maybe more heartaches but I know he will never abandon us. Wishing you all a blessed year ahead!


  1. Perhaps having all of these options are a sign from above that you need to take a break in order to decide?

    Continued prayers for your discernment and for a safe trip!

  2. You are such a faithful and beautiful person! To be able to put your faith right back into God's hands after such a devastating loss is a reflection of your faithfulness, honesty, and holiness. God is with you every step of the way. Many prayers for you!

  3. Yes, PW says it so well. You are amazing for being so constant and to continue to try and figure out what could be wrong. Praying for you to find the answers.

  4. Praying that you have a good trip and that you find discernment as to what you should do. I know how confusing it is with so many possibilities out there for what could be wrong. I have found it comforting to be treated by Dr. H who takes a broad approach searching for anything that could be wrong.

  5. Well I will tell you Dr. Hilgers...but then again I am very biased!! :) I know God will guide you on the right path and show you what direction to take. Praying for you!! Hope your trip goes well.

  6. These decisions are so big, prayers for you as you discern the next step.

    A month in India!?! Have an amazing time!

  7. So glad the book arrived before your big trip! Another divine intervention as I had no clue you'd be traveling for a month. Safe travels and prayers for all of your family discussions and decisions that lie ahead in 2012.

  8. Praying for you this year and for a safe trip and a non-stressful family time as well. I pray that you find answers as to why you are losing your babies so early. Little JoAnn is a great resource.

  9. I just came across your blog. Sadly, my story is similar to yours. However, after eight years, we have our answer. It was found by our fourth doctor during yet another saline u/s. I just wanted to mention it since it seems you are reaching for answers and I believe God brought me to your blog for a reason. If/when you ttc again, have someone look for a septum in your uterus. It's the most common reason for early miscarriages. Mine is fairly small at 1.5 cm, which is why it had been missed in the past. But, there is no blood flow and can't sustain a pregnancy. I know, I'm just a random lady who happened upon your blog, but after the heart break youve endured, I couldn't not say something. Prayers and blessings to you on this journey.

  10. I am so so sorry for all your losses. You are one strong woman filled with God's grace! May you have a fruitful visit with family in India and a very safe trip. It is so sorrowful that you don't have any children here on earth, but you have quite a broad in heaven praying for you!

    One question, have you had the MTFHR test done? I didn't see it on your list and with your low vitamin levels, I wonder about this. Also, have you had your insulin levels tested? With the long cycles, maybe you have PCOS and some metformin may help make your ovulations stronger so your progesterone levels may be better. Just a thought. I will pray for discernment for you and some quick answers when you return to the States.