Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Trying to wrap my head around suffering

It's been a while since I updated my blog. I don't seem to find the motivation to write anything.
These are a few of the questions that have crossed my mind lately.
How long do you have to keep trying? How long do you actively TTC with medications? How long before you put an end to this emotional roller coaster?

I just realized that today is the 6th month anniversary of my surgery with PPVI. I met my local NaPro doc last week. She asked if I wanted to try Ovulation Induction again and I agreed. I also requested for LDN. She also reminded me that ovulation might be my problem because with Insulin Resistance, my body behaves similar to PCOS only that my ovaries are not enlarged and don't produce cysts. I am on P+14 and had a BFN this morning. I sort of knew it but sometimes you still hope that this cycle could be it. I once thought that miscarriage was my problem but now I don't know why I have not been able to conceive after my last miscarriage.

I am on an edge right now. I am kind of ready to give up TTC but I also want to squeeze in 1 or 2 cycles of Clomid, Prednisone and Lovenox before I put an end to this waiting game. I have a feeling none of this is going to work.

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around suffering. I completely trust God but I don't understand what God wants me to do with my suffering. Yes, I pray and offer it up for the salvation of souls but I wish this whole thing made more sense on a personal level. I know all good things come from God and so infertility and miscarriage is not the will of God.

And we always pray to accept the will of our Heavenly Father which is ultimately good for our souls. I just wish I clearly knew what God's Will is for me. I cannot stop this suffering but how does God want to mold me from my situation. I pray I have some answers.

I also know that miracles are possible, healing is also possible as 'All things are possible with God'. Yes, I keep praying for healing or a miracle but sometimes I feel so weak. Is it ok to stop praying for healing or for a miracle? Can I just pray to find peace and joy with my life without children? Is that what God wants from me? I don't know. I just wish I knew.


  1. Oh dear, I know these feelings and questions all too well. Have you ever tried getting some spiritual direction? I could try and answer your questions but it sounds like it would be more helpful for you to come up with the answers as they would be specific to your situation. It is a hard thing you are going through and no one expects you to have all the answers. Praying that you get some answers and find some peace and comfort. Infertility and miscarriage are so hard :( Sending hugs and prayers!

  2. I gave myself 6 months of trying with medication and was on the verge of giving up when we conceived in cycle #6.

    Hang in there and I will pray for you.

  3. All of the questions you wrote are ones that are swimming around in my head and have been for months now. I wish I had answers - or that someone did.

    I will second Kat's suggestion of spiritual direction. It has truly been a life-saver for me. While it doesn't give answers to the questions, it helps to have someone to discuss with and to leave with goals to work on.

  4. I think that you are so right about this; yes, suffering can lead to salvation of souls, but why can't it make a little more sense sometimes right where we are now? And I agree that it is hard to know how to pray sometimes. I'm not on the ttc train right now as I am not married, but how do I pray faithfully about my vocation but also pray appropriately to live my life as it is now? I don't have any answers for you, but the questions are so familiar!

  5. I always "knew" how many months after surgery I was & how many before the 18 month time frame they give you. It is SO HARD to forget.
    I cannot forget how it felt to keep trying new meds, treatments & still keep the hope alive. I'm praying for you. I'm rallying for hope for you!
    As far as TTC, maybe set a "date" in your mind (6 months, 9 months, etc) and leave it at that for now. See how that feels to your heart. If you're unsettled, than maybe pray about it and re-evaluate? That is how I tried to decide when to stop TTC. ((((HUGS))))

  6. I know I've been rolling the passive and active Will of God around in my head lately. I know that God does not will death or barreness. That being said, He obviously allows it. Knowing all this doesn't seem to help when I'm crying out to God for a miracle that He can very well make happen. I write all this simply to say that you're not alone in your contemplating God. I pray God will give you some peace!

  7. All those are good and valid questions; the answers probably vary for each person. For the times where I was ready to give up, I would ask myself if I had done/tried everything I wanted to. If not, then I'd keep moving forward TTC. If I thought I had, well, that was the time I was going to give up. For me, I didn't want to have any regrets about giving up too early or not trying something. But I know everyone is different and the emotional strain can sometimes be too much. Praying for you and all the questions/decisions you are trying to make.