Saturday, October 26, 2013

Time is crawling

Time is definitely crawling over here. It's only been a little over ten days since I blogged about our newest miracle from God. However, lot of things happened during the last ten days and I feel it's been several weeks since we heard the good news.

After our first ultrasound on 5w1d, I was beginning to believe that everything would be ok for once. I wasn't worried about the bleeding since my cervix was swollen which could have triggered it. We went ahead and told our immediate family. They rejoiced with us and have been storming heavens for this little one.

However, last Sunday morning, I had a major bleeding episode. Lots of red just like a period. I was terrified and decided to take bedrest and prayed for the bleeding to subside. I also stopped the Lovenox. The next day I called my doctor's office and they told me to come in on Tuesday for an ultrasound. The bleeding had subsided by Monday but I still felt something was wrong. As I walked into the ultrasound room on Tuesday, I felt a huge gush of blood. As I undressed and waited, I began to bleed heavily with clots. The dr. immediately knew something was wrong. By the grace of God, we were able to see our little one measuring 5w6d and the dr. was able to detect a fetal heart beat of 103 bpm. She saw a sub chorionic hemorrhage and told us that I was at high risk for miscarriage. Our hearts broke into thousand pieces and I felt so weak after all the gory bleeding. She ordered complete bed rest and told us to return in two days and told me to immediately start 200mg progesterone rectal suppositories twice a day in addition to all the PIO and HCG shots I was doing.

I came home and bled continuously just like a heavy period. I got in touch with PPVI and they wanted me do IV and oral antibiotics. Amidst all this, we were so grateful to God that we were able to hear our baby's heart beat. Dr. KK asked me to stop lovenox and baby aspirin. We returned for an ultrasound and the heart beat had gone up to 122 bpm and I was 6w1d. Our dr was so happy. The SCH hasn't increased in size but it is pushing on the sac which is scary. We go in for another ultrasound next week. Meanwhile, PPVI and my local dr have asked home health to start me on IV antibiotics. On monday, I will be getting a PICC line in place. I am trying not to think about it.

God has blessed us so much and our hearts rejoice. We are praying and hoping that our baby continues growing and the SCH shrinks. Please keep us in your prayers.  Thank you Jesus! We have entrusted our child to St. Joseph and our Blessed Mother.  God's will be done.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Trusting in Jesus

Thank you all for your prayers and sweet comments. Your prayers helped me so much yesterday. I am learning to take one day at a time and leave everything in God's hands. Jesus, I trust in thee!

I have never experienced anything like what I did in the last few days. So much anxiety and stress!!! I had some red bleeding last Sunday and I felt so terrible. I cried during the entire Mass and begged God for a miracle. I went in for my second Beta HCG draw on Monday and was amazed to hear from Dr. KK's office that the levels looked good. The bleeding subsided for a while but on Wednesday, I saw fresh blood again. It was there every time I wiped and so I knew something was not right. Thankfully, I was able to get an appt for Thursday afternoon with my local Napro doctor.

Yesterday as we waited for the ultrasound with fear and anxiety, I never dreamed that we would get to see anything as it was very early. By God's grace, we were able to see a gestational sac and yolk sac snuggled in the uterus. It was such a huge relief to know that it was not an ectopic. My cervix looked swollen and I am on Lovenox shots (blood thinner). That was probably the reason for the bleeding. I feel so much better after the ultrasound but I am still seeing blood tinged mucus. Praying and hoping that it goes away. The nurse gave me a shot of 5000 units of HCG yesterday. I have been contuning 200mg PIO shots twice a week. We will going in for another ultrasound next week. Meanwhile, I am afraid to hope. We feel so unworthy for this gift. It is the first time we have got to see a gestational sac on ultrasound. I am so thankful but I am keeping my heart guarded. God's will be done.

We have begun a 30 day Novena to St. Joseph as recommended by our Priest. We were able to see him yesterday after the ultrasound and he gave me a special blessing and prayed for the baby in my womb.

Our Lady of La Leche, St. Gianna, St. Gerard, St. Catherine of Siena, St. Joseph, St. Jude, St. Anne, St. Joachim, St. Anthony, St. Padre Pio, St. Alphonsa, Blessed Mother Teresa, St. John Paul II, Blessed Jacinta, Blessed Francisco, St. Michael, St. Gabriel, St. Raphael, all holy angels and saints - Pray for us!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Our newest miracle - God is so good!

I cannot believe that I am typing this...God is so good!!! I am pregnant again. I am being monitored by Dr. Kwak-Kim and went in for Beta HCGs and for the first time in a long, long time the numbers seem to be rising.

10/11 (Friday) -  493.1 (P+15)
10/14 (Mon) - 2062 (P+18)

Thank you Jesus for this sweet amazing miracle. I don't have words. I just pray and hope that the levels rise. I am going in for an ultrasound to my local Napro doctor's office on Thursday to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. Please storm heavens for this baby. I am ready to accept whatever God sends me but how I wish everything would be fine just for one time.

I had lots of brown spotting last week. Have been taking PIO shots every 3 days. PPVI has also called in for 5000 units of HCG. I am taking Lovenox shots daily on my belly and putting up with Steroids. I am beginning to think that Dr. KK's immune protocol has begun to work. At least my HCG is rising for the first time. I don't know about the future but I have hope for the first time.

Praise Jesus! Thank you Mama Mary!
Thank you St. Gianna, St. Gerard, St. Joseph, St, Anne, St. Joachim, St. Catherine of Siena, Blessed Mother Teresa, Blessed John Paul II and all saints for this miracle. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

It's not just about Me & Prayers....

There are days when I am reminded that my suffering is not about me. There are days when I think of my heart-wrenching suffering and still find comfort because by the grace of God I have faith and know my suffering can lead me to Heaven.

I don't know if it's too personal but I thought I would share this with you all because I appreciate your prayers. IF runs in my family. It must be in the genes !!! Three of my Mom's sisters have struggled with IF and pregnancy losses. Two of my aunts lost both their fallopian tubes to ectopic pregnancies. Another aunt had recurrent miscarriages and a still birth. All this was many years ago, maybe 15-20. I know all of them did IVF at some point or the other. I was a child and didn't know much about IVF except that it was the gold standard for treatment in India. One aunt went on to conceive a child with the help of IVF. Another aunt adopted a child after many failed IVF attempts. Coming to the third aunt.....

I was speaking to my Mom yesterday. My third aunt (her youngest sister) has been suffering a difficult marriage for the last few years. They have been married for around 18 years. She had six failed rounds of IVF and adoption didn't work for them. All this has been taking a toll on their marriage. Her husband stopped going to Church and has lost faith in God. Last year, her husband started asking her to find a surrogate and to use donor eggs. He has become physically and verbally abusive, and he even wants a legal divorce since my aunt doesn't want to do the surrogate thing. My Mom was in tears when she told me about this immense cross my aunt and her husband are facing. I didn't have words to comfort my mom. I offered to pray for them wholeheartedly. Can you ladies say a few prayers for my aunt and her husband?

And coming to the others news... I was doing the immune protocol this cycle. I took a HPT on P+10 and had a positive but the joy was short-lived. I saw brown mucus for two days and knew it wasn't a good sign. Surely this cannot be happening for the eight time? I went on and took PIO shots. I started spotting after the shots - sometimes brown, sometimes red. I have been cramping and feel like AF will arrive soon. I haven't done any Betas and decided to wait it out to see if the lines get darker. I am still doing the Lovenox shots and Prednisone. Today is P+14 and my heart feels heavy. But on days like these, I am reminded that my suffering needs to be offered up for others. I have lots of pray for - my aunt, bloggers who recently lost their precious babies to miscarriage and stillbirth, and ladies who are still waiting for a miracle.

The news about my aunt has been a silent stab in my chest. My own suffering suddenly seemed nothing compared to my aunt's. How many ladies suffer because their husbands want them to do IVF and other stuff? How many couples have failed marriages because of IF? How many couples divorce and live in adultery because of IF?

And here God has blessed me beyond my understanding with the most compassionate husband. I would never have survived IF if not for my husband's love and faith. I thank God immensely for my husband and his solid faith. My husband may never get to hold a child in his arms but I know he will never compromise his morals for a baby. He will never go against his faith. I see him leading me to Heaven by sharing our cross in the most graceful way. How often have I failed to be a good wife? How often have I taken my husband for granted?

There are days when I feel so blessed. I have been able to meet the best doctors in this country. I have had the option to try out many new treatments. I sometimes fear another ectopic and losing my remaining tube like both my aunts. Then I am reminded that maybe progesterone supplementation will prevent it. What if my aunts had their ectopic pregnancies because of low progesterone? What if they had access to NaPro treatments to help them? Their lives may have been different !!! I don't know and I can never comprehend how God works. His ways are so mysterious. I just pray that God brings immense good from all this evil. I pray that God uses my suffering to convert others. I pray that our marriage will always be strong no matter how difficult our cross may be. Can you say a prayer for all couples struggling with IF?

And this had been my favorite prayer for the last few days:

"O my Jesus, it is for love of Thee, for the conversion of sinners and in reparation for sins committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I offer this sacrifice to Thee."

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

What a Day looks like for me...

It was only yesterday I realized how my day revolves around medications.

6 am or whenever I wake up - Armour Thyroid
9:30 am - Prednisone 10 mg
1 pm - Vitamin D 5000 IU, Folic Acid 5mg with Vitamin B6 100mg, Baby Aspirin
4 pm - Prenatal Vitamins
7 pm - PIO Shots 100mg on each side (On some Days Post Peak)
8pm - Metformin 1500mg
9:30 pm - Prednisone 10mg
Before Bedtime - Lovenox Shots, Fish Oil, Calcium Citrate, Progesterone Vaginal Capsules

CD 3 to 7 - Clomid 50mg (Beginning of Cycle)
Mucinex 1200mg CD 10-15

I just ran a count on the number of meds I take on some days like yesterday - 13 pills, 3 shots, 1 suppository !!! I don't know how my body manages to work on all these different kinds of meds. I hope I am not overloading myself with boat load of meds and confusing my body.