If time would fly

I am on that part of my cycle where hope begins to creep in. You know that part where your are past ovulation and you begin to think that maybe it will be this cycle. How I wish I could fast forward these 2 weeks! I don't want to have hope only to feel defeated but as soon as I am past peak, my mind seems to lose control. I cannot think of anything under the sun without being reminded of a possible pregnancy. My mind is in a constant daze.

I keep comparing my BBT charts to see if there is any sign of a pregnancy. Now that I am on HCG shots, I cannot test on 10 dpo. All that I can do is stare at my charts and wonder if we had enough days of (I). And even though my body doesn't give me any real signs, I convince myself that my lower back hurts and I have slight twinges on my lower abdomen. Ah!

In retrospect, I know the only true pregnancy symptom I had was extreme fatigue with my ectopic pregnancy. I couldn't keep my eyes open and had to sleep for hours during the day. I felt all my energy was being drained out. The fatigue made me wonder if I was pregnant. Since I had a negative HPT and a false period, I ruled out any possibility of pregnancy and wondered if I was eating too much which was causing me to fall asleep. And later on, I was also running to the restroom every fifteen minutes. Who knew that was a pregnancy symptom? Also, my weight had increased in a few weeks and I was always hungry but I never thought those were pregnancy symptoms.

Now that I know that those were real pregnancy symptoms, how I long for it - extreme fatigue, frequent urination and what not! How I long for those signs which will tell me that there is a little one growing inside me. And for me, strong symptoms indicate that my HCG is rising. With my early miscarriages whatever little symptoms I had faded out quickly.

I don't know why but for the first time I have been feeling that I cannot keep doing this any longer. My body cannot endure this agony any longer. All this while, I would somehow find strength and hope to continue trying even if it was immediately after a miscarriage. Infact, I hated all those break cycles while beginning CrMs and NaPro. But, I am losing it now. The pain is too much. How may nights have I spent in silent tears thinking of the babies I would never get to hold. I just want to forget everything and throw my charts. I don't want my life to revolve around TTC. I have been begging and pleading God for a miracle. If not a miracle, maybe Peace and Acceptance.

Our family has a strong devotion to St. Anthony. Last year, the Lord heard our prayers. We prayed for my brother and his wife. And they conceived a beautiful baby. I am so thankful to God for my cute, little nephew who is named after St. Anthony. I pray that the Lord will give me the graces I need to hold on as long as He Wills. St. Anthony the miracle worker, please ask Jesus for a baby in our lives.