Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Another Cycle

BFN! I am trying to hide the disappointment from DH. I don't want to hurt him any more with my pain. He has lots to worry about rather than my stupid BFN. The tears haven't stopped. I feel I am on the verge of depression. I have read how people can go into a depression after experiencing pregnancy losses. Somehow after each miscarriage, I was able to pull myself together and continue TTC.

My body can't take this agony any longer. The desire for motherhood is killing me. The thought that my life will be the same after 10,15 or 20 years and that my husband will never get to experience fatherhood is enough to drive me crazy. Prayer is the only thing which is keeping me alive. I am going to take a break from all the Ovulatory drugs and shots next cycle. I  don't want to keep track of my Cycle Days and Peak. I don't want to focus on timing intercourse and worrying if I have covered my fertile days. I just want to forget everything. Unfortunately, all my IRL friends have kids and it is a reminder of all the Babies I will never get to hold.

I have been postponing calling PPVI for scheduling surgery. I no longer have the desire to continue with fertility treatments. Please pray for me that God will strengthen me to do whatever needs to be done.

19 comments:

  1. I am so sorry about another BFN. Your emotions and feelings are all too familiar to me right now. But you are doing the right thing, continue to pray. It is okay to be frustrated and sad. Tell God how you are feeling.

    I am taking a break from medications next cycle as well. Our bodies need a break from all of these hormones sometimes especially if mentally we are not prepared to try again.

    You are not alone and please know that you are in my prayers. I keep BFN's from my husband as long as possible as well.

    One day at a time, friend.

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  2. Praying for you sweetie. It's okay to take a break. He will guide you through this time of sadness. He is right there with you. May he fill your heart with peace very soon.

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  3. I a so sorry about your BFN :(.

    It is all so overwhelming isn't it? Just the thought of picking up the phone to change an appointment (that I have to change, can't just go with it) is paralyzing.

    I refuse to POAS, and The Man and I have fallen into a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing and he figures it out from the trash in the bathroom. I know that sounds pathetic, but it works for us - he doesn't have to deal with my emotions and can have his own without having to feel like he has to hold me up. I dream of the day I POAS and get to tell him...

    Praying for you.

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  4. O gosh, I am so sorry- yes taking a break does help- I am praying for you and asking Him to comfort you today. I am sorry you are hurting so bad.

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  5. So, so sorry. :( Praying for you!

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  6. Praying for you. He will give you strength.

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  7. I'm so sorry :( sending prayers and offered sacrifices your way.

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  8. I'm sorry......................that stinks. I am in the same boat.... Sometimes you have to take a break. It is totally ok and necessary. Go enjoy the nice weather and do some fun outdoor activities.

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  9. I'm praying for you. The first few days of the cycle are the hardest.

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  10. So sorry dear. Good that you are taking a break. Praying for you.

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  11. Taking a break is much needed sometimes. Praying it brings you peace.

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  12. I'm praying for and am so, sorry you got a bfn. Taking some time off for a little healing is ok. You are human and have gone through so, so much. You are a much stronger person than I would be.

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  13. So sorry. Yes, I will definitely pray for you. I am sorry things aren't going well and a break definitely seems in order. Hopefully you will come back rejuvenated. Sending hugs your way too!

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  14. I am so sorry. I will definitely pray for you. Are you taking 12.5mg femara on just cd3 or cd3-7? I myself struggle with infertility and have been unsuccessfully trying to get pg for 4 years. Doctors are pushing procedures that we are not ready to do yet. We just adopted a beautiful baby girl and I am super happy, but I still want to conceive a biological baby. It is not easy but have faith and trust in the Lord and in His timing. It's not what we want, but what we need. We do not need to understand, we just need to again, have faith. ::hugs::

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    1. Yes, I am taking 12.5mg Femara all on CD3. Femara gave me minimal side-effects but my mucus reduced significantly!

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  15. I am so sorry. Praying for you dear.

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