Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Surrendering to God's Will

When you abandon yourself completely to God's Will, you can experience peace, lasting peace. And I am trying to give up myself completely to the Lord - to learn and accept that whatever God permits to happen in my life is ultimately good even though I may never comprehend it.

My 6th pregnancy was taken away from me in the blink of an eye. Two days after the positive test, I knew things were not looking good when the HPTs started getting lighter and lighter. From experience, I know how your HPTs are supposed to grow darker every 2-3 days with the rising HCG levels.

I really thought this time I would be getting to meet my miracle on this side of heaven. I wasn't worried about the light bleeding I had before the positive test. I trusted. I prayed. I hoped. I was at peace.

Still, it was no different. My HCG levels dropped and I started bleeding last Saturday exactly one week after the day I saw the word "Pregnant" on the digital HPT.

I am so thankful for my Catholic faith and the gift of sacraments which keep me going when all I want to do is shut myself up and hide from the world. I am thankful for all your prayers. They have sustained me. Never have I felt so much peace. I owe it to all your prayers. And just as the priest reminded in today's homily to pray for God's Will to be done, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I am thankful for the gift of life which grew in my womb for a few weeks. I was so unworthy for such a blessing.

I will trust in the Lord all the days of my life. God is good. May God's Will be done all the days of my life.

Monday, February 20, 2012

I need your Prayers

I need your prayers. Things are not looking good with this pregnancy. My heart is heavy but I am still clinging onto hope. Lord of miracles, please please allow me to carry this pregnancy to term. Lord, I cannot endure another heart break.
Blessed Virgin Mary, please ask Jesus for a miracle.
St. Gianna, please intercede for my baby.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I am back and a Miracle

I am back after a wonderful trip to India. The vacation was truly healing for me. It was more like a pilgrimage. I visited so many shrines in a month and shed countless tears as I poured my heart out to the Lord. I feel greatly blessed to have visited the tombs of two saints - St. Thomas the Apostle and St. Alphonsa. I experienced so much peace during my vacation and I knew God would bless us with a child but we would have to wait patiently for his time. My family supported us like a rock and I thank God for my parents. They have prayed so much for us.

On the fertility front, I was expecting a long anovulatory cycle due to stress. I had continuous mucus discharge most of the days and I wasn't charting. I never identified my Peak Day and so I didn't use Progesterone. We never avoided but we weren't trying actively. I never got a period after my miscarriage cycle on December 30th. It had been nearly 50 days since my last period. At this point, I began getting worried. Even if I hadn't ovulated, I should have had some breakthrough bleeding.

On the day of my return journey, I had some light pinkish bleeding. I was sure AF was going to arrive. I dreaded 24+ hours of flight journey on CD1. I had light spotting all throughout the journey. I reached home on Thursday night. I continued to have light red bleeding but it stopped yesterday evening. Today morning, I woke up at 3am and decided to test to get over with it.

And this is what I saw....

I am in disbelief. I am in shock! Thank you Jesus for this miracle. Yes, God is so good.... Out of all cycles, I got pregnant on this cycle when I was not taking any medications. I was not on Ovulatory Drugs. I missed my Thyroid Medication and Prenatals most of the days. I didn't take Progesterone and my other supplements. I drank coffee and tea on all days of my vacation. I drank wine a few times. I ate junk food. I was under stress. I traveled 24+ hours lifting heavy baggage all myself and still I am dumbfounded and shocked that there is gift of life in my womb. I am humbled at this miracle. I am so so unworthy Lord. I have fallen pregnant 2 cycles in a row.

Thank you Jesus my Lord!
Thank you my dearest Mother!
Thank you St. Anthony!
Thank you St. Joseph!
Thank you St. Thomas!
Thank you St. Alphonsa!
Thank you St. Stephen! 
Thank you St. Michael, Raphael, Gabriel!
Thank you St. Anne!
Thank you St. Therese!
Thank you St. Gianna!
Thank you St. Gerard!
Thank you St. Thomas Aquinas!
Thank you St. Patrick!
Thank you St. Ulrich of Augsburg, my Patron Saint for 2012. 

I need your prayers. I absolutely have no idea how far I am. It's been exactly 3 weeks/21 days since our last intercourse. So I maybe on P+20 or 19 or 18 or who knows... All I know is that God's timing is perfect in every way. I love you my little one! Please, please hang in there.

I have begun Progesterone Suppositories. I have a few more left until Monday. I need to call my dr. first thing on Monday morning. I have been hit by jetlag and have a nagging headache. Surprisingly, amidst all this turmoil, God has blessed us with his peace. He is the author of life and we know that we are not in control of anything. I am surprised that I am handling this well inspite of the light bleeding I had for 2 days. Please pray that my baby continues to grow. Thank you Jesus!