The Call I knew was Coming

Yesterday evening, I got 'the call' from one of the PPVI nurses. I knew it was coming. This is not the first time and so I knew! This is the sixth time and I knew from all the symptoms that it was inevitable. My HCG fell from 82 to 26.

I didn't have much emotion as I spoke with the nurse. I just wanted it to be over. She told me to do cycle reviews every month because my hormones need to be monitored. She told me it was a must! I haven't been doing cycle reviews regularly. Well after 6 early miscarriages, I have begun to accept that I may never cross over. I will never be one of the Former IF girls. I will never....

I just pray for healing, to accept myself, to find my worth. I know my life cannot be defined by the number of babies I have. I need to find meaning to my life. I need to be complete just as I am. I have been feeling worthless and incomplete but I know I need to be healed of these thoughts. I need to find a purpose other than treatment and babies. The last five years have scarred me deeply. I have become a different person. I have lost my confidence. I am afraid to do anything and everything.

This is not who I was. This is not what I wished to become but all the fears and insecurities have changed me so much. I still trust and love God with all my heart but I fear myself. I feel so helpless. I wish I could be my old self - happy and carefree. I don't know if it's possible but I am praying for emotional healing. I need to get a grip back on my life. I need to be a good wife to my husband. I need to be what God wants me to become. I cannot let fear and depression take over my life. Please pray for me that I will be healed from all the emotional scarring.

Thoughts

Today morning as I stood in front of the mirror looking at my bruised stomach, my heart felt heavy. All these shots didn't make a difference! I hugged DH and cried for a long time. I feel so sorry for my husband. He cannot see me in pain. It breaks his heart to see me suffering physically and emotionally. I can handle my pain but my heart breaks when I see him worried for me.

He reminded me how our suffering was much needed in today's world. As I thought of the thousands of babies that are ripped apart in their mother's womb every single day, I am ready to suffer for Jesus. I am ready to bear all that he sends my way in reparation. So many people don't know God. So many don't love him. So many die in sin. And the least I can do is get on my knees in reparation, to beg pardon for all the outrages, to offer my little suffering for all the offenses against natural law, to pray for conversion of souls.

Five years ago, as we exchanged our vows, I didn't know where God was leading us. He has made us stronger in ways we can never comprehend. He has taught us the value of suffering. He has taught us the value of every single life. He has given us his Blessed Mother and all the Saints to pray for us.

And I am at peace because as much as I love this baby, I know that God loves my child more than I do or more than anyone can. He knows what's best for my baby. Our Blessed Mother knows the pain of losing her only son. St. Gianna suffered two miscarriages. She sure knows the pain of losing children. I have lot to learn from their lives and their suffering. I am not alone in my suffering. Why do I fear? These words of St. Gianna have been in my mind, "I promise You, Jesus, to submit myself to all that You permit to happen to me. Let me only know Your will."

Bleeding and Trip to the ER

Thank you Ladies for all your comments and prayers. The last few days have been crazy over here. I started spotting brown and red on Monday which slowly turned to light brown/red bleeding.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 5am with severe chest pain on the left side. My left hand was hurting too. I thought it was the steroid (Prednisone) as it is known to cause heart burn and muscle cramps. We waited till 8 and since the pain wasn't getting any better we had to go to the Urgent Care. By the time we were there, the pain had become unbearable and the receptionist asks me if I am having a heart attack? Come on! How am I to know? I have never had this kind of pain before. I told the nurse that I was on Blood Thinners and Steroid for pregnancy. The doctor at the Urgent Care was too scared seeing the list of my "Fertility" medications. He spoke to my local NaPro doctor but he didn't know what was going on. He referred us to the ER. After waiting for 4 glorious hours at the ER writhing in pan, they did an EKG which appeared normal. They weren't of much help and thought the pain could have been from either of these meds. We came back home in the afternoon. I was too scared and exhausted after the day's events.

A nurse from PPVI called me with my Beta. It was kind of low at 82.2. I told her that I was bleeding and she told me to continue the Progesterone and get more blood work done. I stopped the Lovenox and Prednisone and contacted Dr. KK's office to let them know. I am waiting to hear from them. I feel dizzy and have a constant headache. I don't know if it is from the Prednsione withdrawal.

As I waited in the ER, I felt Jesus telling me to let go, to let go of all these treatments and meds. My husband too told me the same. There is a limit to what one can endure. I don't think we can continue this way. It needs to STOP some day and this looks like a clear sign from God. I went for another Beta HCG today. Will be knowing the results tomorrow. I feel kind of numb but I am thankful that yesterday's pain wasn't life-threatening. I have a feeling it's time to change my priorities. It's time to surrender. It's time to live my life in peace without worrying constantly. Please keep me in your prayers.

Another Announcement because I need Prayers

I had pretty much nothing to update on this blog until yesterday. I wasn't charting this cycle and I had very few days of mucus. I even thought I hadn't ovulated and so we didn't actively try this cycle. I only took 4-5 days of Progesterone from CD 20. Yesterday was CD 29 and I saw a little brown mucus. I decided to take an early HPT and it came back positive or rather faintly positive. And the anxiety began.

I should be feeling thankful because I have been blessed for a seventh time but all I have been feeling is indifference. I managed to call PPVI and they called in for the PIO shots. I sucked it in and contacted Dr. KK's office. I took my first shot of Lovenox and began Prednisone yesterday. I was trying to stay neutral and not get my hopes high.

Then today I took another HPT and the line is still faint instead of getting dark. I feel I cannot handle this any longer. The tears haven't stopped. I don't even know what to pray.

I had reached a stage of Acceptance over the last few months. I was beginning to believe that I wouldn't get pregnant as it had been 18 months since my last miscarriage. I was at peace with everything. As we celebrated our 5th anniversary, I learned to accept our family of 2. I read Trustful Surrender To Divine Providence over and over again till it made complete sense to me. I was ready to surrender my will. I prayed to abandon myself to God and it gave me so much happiness.

But yesterday, all the demons have been unleashed. I don't know why this is happening. Maybe it means that I should stop TTC-ing with my broken body. Maybe that is what God wants from me - to give up trying for a child. I cannot handle years and years of pain and anxiety. I just wish there was some way around - some miracle waiting to happen. Please say a prayer for me. Thank You!