Friday, June 28, 2013

The Call I knew was Coming

Yesterday evening, I got 'the call' from one of the PPVI nurses. I knew it was coming. This is not the first time and so I knew! This is the sixth time and I knew from all the symptoms that it was inevitable. My HCG fell from 82 to 26.

I didn't have much emotion as I spoke with the nurse. I just wanted it to be over. She told me to do cycle reviews every month because my hormones need to be monitored. She told me it was a must! I haven't been doing cycle reviews regularly. Well after 6 early miscarriages, I have begun to accept that I may never cross over. I will never be one of the Former IF girls. I will never....

I just pray for healing, to accept myself, to find my worth. I know my life cannot be defined by the number of babies I have. I need to find meaning to my life. I need to be complete just as I am. I have been feeling worthless and incomplete but I know I need to be healed of these thoughts. I need to find a purpose other than treatment and babies. The last five years have scarred me deeply. I have become a different person. I have lost my confidence. I am afraid to do anything and everything.

This is not who I was. This is not what I wished to become but all the fears and insecurities have changed me so much. I still trust and love God with all my heart but I fear myself. I feel so helpless. I wish I could be my old self - happy and carefree. I don't know if it's possible but I am praying for emotional healing. I need to get a grip back on my life. I need to be a good wife to my husband. I need to be what God wants me to become. I cannot let fear and depression take over my life. Please pray for me that I will be healed from all the emotional scarring.

16 comments:

  1. Oh J - I am so sorry. My heart is breaking anew just reading this post. Please know of my continued prayers. And please, please, please take care of yourself. You have been through so much, may God send multitudes of angels to care for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Praying for you so much! I am so sorry you have to go through this is tough stuff to deal with. May your guardian angel bring you comfort and I will continue to pray for your healing. As JBTC said please take care of yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ppiw i deleted your comment accidentally but i think i can read it from my mail.

      Delete
  4. I'm sorry. Sending prayers to your way

    ReplyDelete
  5. Holding you close in prayer. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so deeply sorry. I don't know the right words to say ... but know I continue to pray for you. St. Joseph, please pray for AAIWBG. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for your family that you find peace and healing in the midst of loss and sadness.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Words can never describe this loss, I'm sure. I am praying for completeness for you. I don't understand why god is asking so much suffering from you. I am praying for a clear direction that will help make his desires for you known. I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so so sorry! I am praying for you! Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This message is a bit belated in getting to you, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am to hear that you have had yet another loss. It is heartbreaking. What a scary experience with the side effects you were having! Did you ever talk to Dr. KK about what may have caused that? I have been praying for you each day since you posted your news. You have had some beautiful insights to share. I pray that you will find healing and peace in Christ.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am just now reading this, and I wanted to tell you how deeply sorry I am that you had another miscarriage. I will offer up my suffering with you specifically on my mind. I was glad to read in some of your more current posts that you have been finding some peace in Jesus's arms through the Sacrament of Confession. God bless you, J.

    ReplyDelete