My Grandma

My maternal grandmother (the last of my grandparents) passed away yesterday evening. She wasn't doing well since last week. We were praying for her ardently.
My heart tells me that she is with Jesus. She received the Anointing of the Sick and passed away peacefully and all her 7 children were there with her.
She is named after St. Ann. And I don't think it is a coincidence that she passed away on the Eve of the Feast of Sts. Ann and Joachim. St. Ann, patron of grandparents, pray for my dear grandma.

We are miles away from our home country and will not be able to attend the funeral. We love you and will miss you grandma.

Wish I didn't have to do it

The appointment which I was supposed to have with Dr. KK in June was rescheduled to August 16th. I have been sitting in front of the computer trying to book tickets. How I wish I didn't have to do this? Lord, why can't I get a BFP and go on to have a baby. I really don't want to travel to Chicago! I don't want to spent $$$$$ on another set of labs. I cannot even fathom the amount I have to spent if I need IVIG treatment. My insurance is horrible! Lord, please please sent me a baby. I am so ready to be a mother.

But I have to do something right? My body hasn't been able to sustain a pregnancy!
I also went ahead and called PPVI. It had been over 2 months since I received the reply from Dr. H but I waited & waited hoping for some sort of miracle pregnancy. For the past few days, I have been waiting for the phone to ring so that I can go ahead and get some dates for the surgery which again I wish I didn't have to do.

We need to go to India for my sister's wedding in October. And there is a high probability that we will be moving to Canada mostly by the beginning of next year. I just don't know how we are going to manage all the expenses. My poor DH. He is working so hard for us while I enjoy staying-at-home! Only if I could become a stay-at-home mother, I wouldn't have felt so bad.

I am trusting that the Lord will provide. I really wish God would speak to me clearly as to what treatments I need to pursue so that I don't end up doing things in vain. Most Blessed Virgin, St. Anne, St. Anthony, St. Gianna, St. Gerard, please pray for us. I feel so weak.

How do I do it?

This is one question that has crossed my mind time and again. How do I do it? I love babies and play with my friends' babies whenever I can. I love their sweet sounds and kisses. How am I able to love babies around me when I have had so many pregnancy losses? How do I hold other babies when my heart breaks thinking of all my little ones who are not with me. One word.... not my merits but God's Grace! 

Though Pregnancy Announcements bring me a sense of sadness, I have realized that bitterness hasn't overtaken my heart. Babies bring me joy. And I forget my sorrows momentarily when I see them smile. Although I dread birthday parties and other social gatherings, I look forward to every opportunity to hold babies and cuddle them.

God has strengthened me in a special way through each of my losses. I know each baby is a miracle from God and my heart has grown in love. I pray that God continues to give me all the graces I need to share in others joy. How I long to hold my sweet nephew. I have only seen his pictures and I looking forward to my next vacation in India with my nephew.

I also have some good news. Remember this post where I wrote about my sister and how my infertility was affecting her. God is so good. He has opened doors for her wedding. She is getting married in a few months. I am so happy for her. God has answered our prayers. Deo Gratias!