Where I am and Prayers Needed

I need your prayers. I am facing a really bad day. Yes, it is CD14 and we were doing 10 days of Biaxin this cycle. We were to TTC this cycle but it hasn't happened yet. Call it stress at work or lack of sleep but things haven't gone as they should have with DH. Yes, we did try TTCing a few times but it didn't work. The stress is not helping either of us. I have enough things to worry and the thought of this cycle being wasted is causing me anxiety. I never knew that not being able to TTC would be so agonizing.

I am trying to stay calm because my heart hurt when DH apologized over and over again. I don't know what I should do. Ladies, if you have any advice what I could do to help DH to reduce all this stress. I feel so miserable for having to post this. I feel I am being tested again and again. I am just trying to tell myself that maybe God doesn't want us to try this cycle. I am just praying and offering this failed cycle for this blogger and all others who are waiting.

Yesterday

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. As I saw our beloved Pope Benedict XVI saying his farewell, my eyes swelled with tears and my heart felt heavy. It was a familiar feeling. Something similar to losing a loved one. I don’t have enough words to thank our beloved Papa for all that he has done for Christ’s Church.

Five years back, I don't think I would have cried at this news. I most probably would not have cared a bit and would have gone about with my daily business. But the Lord changed my heart over the years as I came back to the Church and her teachings. I was lost for so long but God's mercy never abandoned me. And today I am proud of my Catholic faith and nothing in this world matters to me more than my faith.

Yesterday, as I sat down jotting my pondering thoughts about our IF journey in my journal, I felt abandoned. I felt I was hoping against hope after all the failed cycles and miscarriages. I even felt that my trip to Chicago and Omaha wasn't needed. I clung onto hope the last 2 cycles keeping track of every symptom hoping that I would have life in my womb. But after a few negative HPTs, I didn't have anything to do. My heart was crushed and I didn't want to do a cycle review with PPVI. I felt nothing in the world could help my broken body.

Finally, I gave in and did a cycle review. 6 more months of Biaxin for both of us from CD 1-10. And more blood draws for an Amenorrhea panel, which means I will have to ship blood to Omaha. I am yet to find a lab which will help me. I don't even want to continue treatments.

I have waited so long for a miracle and I don't know if I can continue like this without hope. I just want to STOP everything! But I am weak and afraid. I don't have the courage to say "I am DONE". What if I haven't done everything I could have? What if this last treatment is going to help me? What if the next month will be my answered prayers? What if I am this close to a miracle? What if I am this close to the veil of suffering which will be lifted up before my eyes?
My heart tells me not to give up, to hold on for one last time, to hope and trust. It can't be far, can it be? When it feels so difficult to walk, I must be nearing my destination, right? When my body can no longer go on, I must be close to my miracle, isn't it? I am waiting for that day in my life - the day when I get to hold my baby in my arms and I hope against hope that it won't be too long.

Getting Back on Track

Today is CD 14 and I need to vent. I need to get back on track with my medications and diet. I have gained 5-6 lbs after my 6-week vacation and I am not happy about it. I need to get back on my Low Carb and Anti-Inflammatory Diet. Before I left for vacation, I thought I could stick on to my diet but it didn't work. I ate red-meat most of the days and had tea/coffee. Not to forget how much sugar, gluten and processed junk I ate. All forbidden on the Anti-Inflammatory Diet! Well, I know it's difficult to be on a diet when you are are not cooking but on my part, I should have at least tried. The wedding and festivities didn't help either. How could you say "no" to all the lovely food right in front of you?

What's worse is that I have become lazy. I haven't charted in a long time. I used to chart my temps regularly but I became lazy and it's been a long time since I took my BBT. I also haven't been using Progesterone Suppositories every cycle. In fact, I don't even remember the last time I took Progesterone. I am supposed to be taking 300mgs from P+3 to P+12 every cycle. Instead, I conveniently forget it at bedtime and I am lucky if I have taken it once or twice a cycle. Not good! I am unhappy and I know I need to get back on routine. Progesterone is vital and I need to be extra cautious since I already had an ectopic in the past.

The only meds I took while on vacation were Metformin and Armour Thyroid. I need to get back on track with my Vitamins, Baby Aspirin, Mucinex, Fish Oil and other stuff. Heck, I haven't even done one cycle on Dr KK's treatment protocol of Lovenox & Prednisone. And I don't know why I lost motivation. Maybe because it feels a long time since I fell pregnant the last time.

I need to set up reminders for my meds and setup appointments with my doctors. I need to eat clean and stay on my Anti-Inflammatory Diet. I need to exercise and lose another 10-15 lbs. I need to do everything I can so that my body can sustain a pregnancy. Please pray for me that I don't procrastinate things. Blessed Virgin Mary and all the saints, please help me.

2013 Updates

I am back after a long vacation. It feels like ages since I have blogged.

2013 began with a bang. By God's grace, my sister got married on the 2nd of Jan. DH's leave got approved and he was able to make it for the wedding. Thanks to my prayer buddy who prayed so much for us. We had so much fun just being with our families and I finally got to meet my adorable nephew. He is no longer a baby but a ten month old toddler. My emotions were all over the place every time I held him. Joy and Pain at the same time!

We were given the green light to TTC just before I left for vacation. I was so hopeful for last cycle since it was the first TTC Cycle after completing Biaxin. However, AF arrived and I just had 2 days of light bleeding. So most likely I didn't ovulate last cycle and hence the light AF. Of course, I had to take a HPT just to confirm and it left me all the more angry.

I am guessing I am having issues with ovulation. Heck, I wish my ovaries would do their job. I badly want to try Clomid. It's been more than a year since I tried Clomid and maybe that's what will help my body. It's so hard to be hopeful. I can feel my clock ticking and I need to get aggressive with treatments. The surgery was my last straw and I don't know what more is left.

Last week, I crossed over to my thirties. It was an emotional day and I was feeling angry with God. Thankfully, we were able to make it for Latin Mass and Confession in the morning. I felt so much better getting out of the confessional.

Our 5th wedding anniversary is approaching in a few months and I feel so overwhelmed. I am having a hard time accepting the fact that we are still a family of two but I am even scared to tell this - I am getting used to my life as two. I have been trying to carve a niche for myself because I know I will need to surrender to God's Will one day or the other.

My Patron Saints for 2013 are St. Gianna and St. Catherine of Sienna. I am begging and pleading them for a miracle in 2013.

Random Updates

Prayer Buddy, if you are reading this post, please say a few prayers for me.

I have been feeling bitter for the last few days. I was fuming at DH for no particular reason. And then I remembered that last year on the Feast of Juan Diego (Dec 9th), I had conceived and went onto have a miscarriage and how horrible I felt during Christmas. Yet, I hoped that this year would be it and that I would have a miracle but God definitely had other plans. I went back and read some of the posts I wrote last Christmas and I am in tears. Please pray that I may find peace this Christmas and that I may not lose hope.

I am traveling to India tomorrow for a 6 week vacation for my sister's wedding. Though I am glad that I will be with my family, I am sad as I will not be celebrating Christmas with DH for the first time since getting married. It breaks my heart but we have no other choice. Please pray that DH can be there in time for the wedding. Right now, he is having some issues with his Leave Plans.

We just completed our 21 days of Biaxin. We had to avoid the last cycle and I had no issues since it was the first cycle after surgery. However, this cycle I really wanted to TTC. For the last 3-4 months we were avoiding as per the instructions from PPVI. I feel like the clock is ticking and we need to get back on the TTC wagon. It doesn't help every time I see good fertile CM. I wish I didn't have to wait so long and I am growing impatient. Now, I have to wait until my vacation is over!

We tried for 7 cycles after my last miscarriage but nothing happened! Yes, some cycles were on Femara, Metformin, HCG and other medications. Now that the surgery is over, I really don't know what to expect. I have my Lovenox and Prednisone waiting but I don't want to try it until we are really TTCing. I am stressing over everything. Please pray that I can surrender everything to Jesus and follow his Will. And we renewed our Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. I feel horrible that I still haven't surrendered myself completely to Jesus and Mama Mary. I really want to have control over my life and I know it is not a healthy thought.

Prayer Buddy, I have been praying for you. I have been offering up my loneliness, the empty feeling within me and my anxieties for your intentions.