How do I do it?

This is one question that has crossed my mind time and again. How do I do it? I love babies and play with my friends' babies whenever I can. I love their sweet sounds and kisses. How am I able to love babies around me when I have had so many pregnancy losses? How do I hold other babies when my heart breaks thinking of all my little ones who are not with me. One word.... not my merits but God's Grace! 

Though Pregnancy Announcements bring me a sense of sadness, I have realized that bitterness hasn't overtaken my heart. Babies bring me joy. And I forget my sorrows momentarily when I see them smile. Although I dread birthday parties and other social gatherings, I look forward to every opportunity to hold babies and cuddle them.

God has strengthened me in a special way through each of my losses. I know each baby is a miracle from God and my heart has grown in love. I pray that God continues to give me all the graces I need to share in others joy. How I long to hold my sweet nephew. I have only seen his pictures and I looking forward to my next vacation in India with my nephew.

I also have some good news. Remember this post where I wrote about my sister and how my infertility was affecting her. God is so good. He has opened doors for her wedding. She is getting married in a few months. I am so happy for her. God has answered our prayers. Deo Gratias!

Another Cycle

BFN! I am trying to hide the disappointment from DH. I don't want to hurt him any more with my pain. He has lots to worry about rather than my stupid BFN. The tears haven't stopped. I feel I am on the verge of depression. I have read how people can go into a depression after experiencing pregnancy losses. Somehow after each miscarriage, I was able to pull myself together and continue TTC.

My body can't take this agony any longer. The desire for motherhood is killing me. The thought that my life will be the same after 10,15 or 20 years and that my husband will never get to experience fatherhood is enough to drive me crazy. Prayer is the only thing which is keeping me alive. I am going to take a break from all the Ovulatory drugs and shots next cycle. I  don't want to keep track of my Cycle Days and Peak. I don't want to focus on timing intercourse and worrying if I have covered my fertile days. I just want to forget everything. Unfortunately, all my IRL friends have kids and it is a reminder of all the Babies I will never get to hold.

I have been postponing calling PPVI for scheduling surgery. I no longer have the desire to continue with fertility treatments. Please pray for me that God will strengthen me to do whatever needs to be done.

If time would fly

I am on that part of my cycle where hope begins to creep in. You know that part where your are past ovulation and you begin to think that maybe it will be this cycle. How I wish I could fast forward these 2 weeks! I don't want to have hope only to feel defeated but as soon as I am past peak, my mind seems to lose control. I cannot think of anything under the sun without being reminded of a possible pregnancy. My mind is in a constant daze.

I keep comparing my BBT charts to see if there is any sign of a pregnancy. Now that I am on HCG shots, I cannot test on 10 dpo. All that I can do is stare at my charts and wonder if we had enough days of (I). And even though my body doesn't give me any real signs, I convince myself that my lower back hurts and I have slight twinges on my lower abdomen. Ah!

In retrospect, I know the only true pregnancy symptom I had was extreme fatigue with my ectopic pregnancy. I couldn't keep my eyes open and had to sleep for hours during the day. I felt all my energy was being drained out. The fatigue made me wonder if I was pregnant. Since I had a negative HPT and a false period, I ruled out any possibility of pregnancy and wondered if I was eating too much which was causing me to fall asleep. And later on, I was also running to the restroom every fifteen minutes. Who knew that was a pregnancy symptom? Also, my weight had increased in a few weeks and I was always hungry but I never thought those were pregnancy symptoms.

Now that I know that those were real pregnancy symptoms, how I long for it - extreme fatigue, frequent urination and what not! How I long for those signs which will tell me that there is a little one growing inside me. And for me, strong symptoms indicate that my HCG is rising. With my early miscarriages whatever little symptoms I had faded out quickly.

I don't know why but for the first time I have been feeling that I cannot keep doing this any longer. My body cannot endure this agony any longer. All this while, I would somehow find strength and hope to continue trying even if it was immediately after a miscarriage. Infact, I hated all those break cycles while beginning CrMs and NaPro. But, I am losing it now. The pain is too much. How may nights have I spent in silent tears thinking of the babies I would never get to hold. I just want to forget everything and throw my charts. I don't want my life to revolve around TTC. I have been begging and pleading God for a miracle. If not a miracle, maybe Peace and Acceptance.

Our family has a strong devotion to St. Anthony. Last year, the Lord heard our prayers. We prayed for my brother and his wife. And they conceived a beautiful baby. I am so thankful to God for my cute, little nephew who is named after St. Anthony. I pray that the Lord will give me the graces I need to hold on as long as He Wills. St. Anthony the miracle worker, please ask Jesus for a baby in our lives.

Med. Reviews and More

I have been on some new medications for the last 3 cycles and I thought I would write a review.

Femara
I have been taking 12.5 mg of Letrozole (generic of Femara) for 3 cycles. I love Femara because it gives me minimal headaches. I tried three cycles of Clomid and I had nasty headaches while I took 50 mg of Clomid. With Femara, my long cycles have shortened and my Peak Day varies between CD 14-16.
With Clomid my Peak Day was more like CD 17-18 and I ended up ovulating really late for one cycle like on CD 24.
I haven't been going for mid-cycle ultrasounds on Femara so I have no clue of how my follicles are doing. With Clomid, I went for monthly ultrasounds and I would have one mature follicle though one cycle was a bust with poor follicular response.
Clomid had no effect on my mucus. I had abundant CM while on Clomid. With Femara, my mucus cycles haven't been really great. I am taking Mucinex but I don't see the glorious 10KL like before. My mucus has become less stretchy!
Out of 3 Clomid cycles, I conceived twice on 50 mg Clomid. Whereas after 3 cycles of Femara, I haven't been able to conceive.
Though Femara has shortened my cycles, I am wondering if I should go back on Clomid next cycle. Clomid seems to have worked for so many PCOS bloggers.

HCG
This is my 3rd cycle on HCG shots. I must say I dread injecting myself and DH is afraid of needles. So, I need to give the shots myself. I definitely prefer Progesterone Suppositories rather than plunging the needle into my body. My PMS feels better on HCG but after P+10, I hate all the pregnancy symptoms I get while on HCG. My body feels so pregnant and I am so sure that I have conceived! On Progesterone, I definitely had sore breasts but it never made me feel pregnant like HCG.

Since HCG can help with implantation, I will stick onto it for a few more cycles.

Metformin
With my long cycles, I have often wondered if I have PCOS. My doctors have never diagnosed me as my FSH, LH and Testosterone were always normal. My ovaries have always appeared normal on ultrasounds. I have had normal Fasting Blood Glucose Levels. My RE also had my Hemoglobin A1C levels checked and it was normal.

Unfortunately, my Fasting Insulin Levels were high which makes me Insulin Resistant to some extent. Maybe, it is related to PCOS or late ovulation in my case. I started with 500mg of Metformin and currently on 1000mg. Luckily, I have had no side-effects. I will be switching to 1500 mg in a few days. Hopefully, there will be minimal side-effects.


This is where I am right now. Three cycles have gone by on three new medicines. Something should have worked by now. Atleast, I was hoping that the cocktail of Femara, HCG and Metformin should have had some effect on my body. Not to forget the Armour Thyroid, Baby Aspirin, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, B-Long F, Fish Oil and other supplements.

I rescheduled my appt with Dr. K.w.ak-K.i.m for the first week of August. How, I wish I would get pregnant and wouldn't have to go to Chicago!

Also, do your girls have any recommendations for the doctors at PPVI? I need to call them and schedule my lap but I don't know if I should go with Dr. P.a.k.iz or Dr. K.e.e.f.e as Dr. H.i.lge.r.s will be busy.

St. Anthony, please please ask Jesus for a miracle! I am so ready for a healthy pregnancy.

Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

One of my favorites..... What an inspiration!
 Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Ora Pro Nobis!