Random Updates

Prayer Buddy, if you are reading this post, please say a few prayers for me.

I have been feeling bitter for the last few days. I was fuming at DH for no particular reason. And then I remembered that last year on the Feast of Juan Diego (Dec 9th), I had conceived and went onto have a miscarriage and how horrible I felt during Christmas. Yet, I hoped that this year would be it and that I would have a miracle but God definitely had other plans. I went back and read some of the posts I wrote last Christmas and I am in tears. Please pray that I may find peace this Christmas and that I may not lose hope.

I am traveling to India tomorrow for a 6 week vacation for my sister's wedding. Though I am glad that I will be with my family, I am sad as I will not be celebrating Christmas with DH for the first time since getting married. It breaks my heart but we have no other choice. Please pray that DH can be there in time for the wedding. Right now, he is having some issues with his Leave Plans.

We just completed our 21 days of Biaxin. We had to avoid the last cycle and I had no issues since it was the first cycle after surgery. However, this cycle I really wanted to TTC. For the last 3-4 months we were avoiding as per the instructions from PPVI. I feel like the clock is ticking and we need to get back on the TTC wagon. It doesn't help every time I see good fertile CM. I wish I didn't have to wait so long and I am growing impatient. Now, I have to wait until my vacation is over!

We tried for 7 cycles after my last miscarriage but nothing happened! Yes, some cycles were on Femara, Metformin, HCG and other medications. Now that the surgery is over, I really don't know what to expect. I have my Lovenox and Prednisone waiting but I don't want to try it until we are really TTCing. I am stressing over everything. Please pray that I can surrender everything to Jesus and follow his Will. And we renewed our Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. I feel horrible that I still haven't surrendered myself completely to Jesus and Mama Mary. I really want to have control over my life and I know it is not a healthy thought.

Prayer Buddy, I have been praying for you. I have been offering up my loneliness, the empty feeling within me and my anxieties for your intentions.

A Possible Move

When I was 25, I got married and came to this country with my husband, and it feels like home in so many ways. Thanks to our Catholic Faith! We have been blessed in many ways.
Four and half years later,  God is preparing us for a big move. The only question that remains unanswered is "Where"? Yes, it all depends on my husband's job. It can be to either Canada or India. And a very, very, very slight possibility that we will continue here for a few more months if God wills. I cannot even imagine how we are going to dispose everything and make a big move but I know God will take care of everything.

My sister is getting married the beginning of 2013. We were planning for our Vacation to India around Christmas. We were so excited and ready to book our tickets but this uncertainty about the relocation has put us on a hold. Yes, it is an uncertain period and we have stepped up our prayers. We are praying to St. Jude and St. Frances Xavier Cabrini (Patron Saint of Immigrants). We will go wherever God is leading us.
As I type this, I have tears in my eyes. I am so so grateful that God brought us here and gave us an opportunity to meet life-affirming NaPro doctors. And again it wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't found all your blogs! Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

And please pray for us that this stressful period will be over & that the path will become clear and that we can attend my sister's wedding.

Bleeding after Lap *Updated*

Ladies, I have a question.


It's been more than 2 weeks since my laparoscopy. I had my surgery on CD 11. The first few days after surgery, I had very light bleeding more like spotting. It then changed to a full fledged period on CD 16 with heavy bleeding and clots. What??? I have never had a 15 day cycle in my life!!! The bleeding tapered off last weekend and I thought it was all over. And we resumed (I) as there was no red. Unfortunately, the spotting/light bleeding returned after 2 days.

I am tired of seeing red each time I use the restroom. I thought I would ask you folks before I call PPVI and play the waiting game. I was thinking that a new cycle had begun last week but now I am confused..

Update
Thank You so much for your comments!

I called PPVI and the nurse told me that some people go on to have light bleeding for "several days" after the lap. They told me to get back to them if the spotting changes to heavy bleeding. I haven't seen any spotting today. I hope it stays that way!
And yeah, the biopsy/culture could have disrupted the uterine lining causing irregular bleeding. And they also cauterized my cervix and maybe the Intercourse could have caused the spotting.

Home feels Good & Emotions

It feels so good to be home after a long week in Omaha. It was freezing cold the last few days we stayed in Omaha and we were all bundled up. As soon as the flight reached Charlotte on Saturday, warm weather and beautiful fall colors greeted us.

We stayed at Ha.w.thorn.e Suites while in Omaha. Nice, comfy suites with a full kitchen and full breakfast. Really close to PPVI. The day after the surgery, I woke up feeling incredibly hungry. Scrambled eggs, hashbrown and sausages never felt so good! We shopped at Trader Joe's while in Omaha but I quickly got bored of their frozen meals.

My appetite has increased after the surgery and I feel I need to do something before the pounds begin to add on. Yes, it happened after my last surgery. I gained 10-15 lbs in a month. Now that I am back home, I feel guilty for having conveniently forgotten my Low-Carb Diet. The diet and Metformin along with moderate exercise helped me lose 20 lbs in the last 6 months. I avoided Sugar, Dairy & Coffee though I didn't completely eliminate it.

I was so hooked onto White Rice and had a difficult time switching to Brown Rice and Quinoa. Not to mention how heavy Indian Cuisine is when it comes to carbs. You probably have an idea if you have been to an Indian Buffet. You have White Rice, Basmathi Rice, Biryani, Pulav/Pilaf, Cumin Rice, Naan and what not. Growing up, white rice and/or wheat rotis were a must for lunch and dinner. I don't think my Mom & Dad can imagine what it is like not to have Rice & Curry for a meal ! :)

Now that I have to do the Anti-Inflammatory diet, I don't even know where to begin. I need some suggestions as to what can be eaten and what needs to be avoided.  Dr. P told me to stay away from Red Meat, Dairy, Coffee and Processed Foods. Are eggs ok? Is Pork red meat?

The recovery has been going well. The bloating has subsided though I don't think I can fit into my jeans. DH is the best gift God has given me so far. He has such unwavering faith no matter what. BTW, Dh found Leila's blog from another blog and he went onto read all the blogger faith stories. He has become a fan of Leila' Blog. I hope he doesn't find my blog! He knows about my blog but I don't want him to read all that I write here :)

On the spiritual front, I have been experiencing a void. Though we went for Mass most of the days, I couldn't focus and was feeling emotional. I feel so empty inside and I am struggling to trust our Lord. He has been so good and I know I need to be thankful for leading me to such good doctors. Had I been in India, I wouldn't have had the blessing of NaPro treatments.

Now that I have met Dr. KK and that the surgery is over, I feel my "To Do" List is Over. I know I should be feeling hopeful but the "What Ifs" are weighing down on my heart. I feel I have reached the end of a bridge, yet what lies ahead makes me even more anxious. Not that I would want to go back to the starting point. I know God has given me this cross for a reason. I would not have been the same person if not for IF. I would have been another Lukewarm Catholic. God was working on my soul through IF. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I am praying for peace that I will be able to accept God's Will and that I can love him unconditionally whether I am blessed with a child or not.

Post Surgery & Recovery

Ladies, thank you for all your prayers!!! The surgery is history and I am so glad... Thanks be to God! We made the right decision with our trip to Omaha and seeking out treatment with PPVI. The recovery has been difficult with all the pain but I know I need to be patient.

The experience at Creighton St. Joseph's hospital was wonderful in every way. It was so different from the emergency laparoscopy I had for the ectopic. The doctors and staff were so so kind and helpful. Need I say more. I was completely at peace before the surgery and didn't feel anxious at all. We reached the hospital around 10 am. After being prepped for the surgery, DH came in to see me and we prayed for a while. One of the surgery nurses came and gave us a rosary which Dr. H had brought from Rome during his annual trip. Just before heading for surgery, the Priest came to our room, anointed me and prayed for us. I knew I was in the right place and in the best hands. Dr. P came and explained everything one last time. They gave me some medicine to relax and I said goodbye to DH and that's all I remember.

The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room and I was in pain. So they gave me some pain medication and I drifted back to sleep and woke a few hours later and DH was there in the room. I wanted to use the restroom immediately and one of the nurses helped me. I was surprised that I could walk to the restroom without much difficulty. It was such a relief to empty the bladder and the nurse was happy and said I had already done the most difficult part. I took a few sips of water and I felt nauseous. I went back to sleep and felt much better when I woke up again. I immediately asked DH about the surgery. He said Dr. P gave him the pics from the surgery and told him that I had lot of adhesions and tiny spots of endo. It took about 3 hours to clear up everything. The good news is that everything has been taken care of and I don't have to come back for any major surgery. Thank you Jesus !!! Thank you Mama Mary!!!

I felt ok to leave and woke up to get dressed. Immediately after getting dressed, I felt severely nauseous and they gave me more zofran. We left the hospital around 8pm. After reaching the hotel, I tried drinking soup but could barely take a few spoons. I immediately took my antibiotic and went to sleep. Had to wake up a few times to use the restroom.

The next morning I woke up feeling better but the shoulder pain kicked in and it hurt really bad. I couldn't lie down on the bed. It hurt so much with all the gas. Ibuprofen & icepacks helped. We had the post-lap review with Dr. P where she showed us the Lap video and discussed the findings.

• Lot of adhesions behind the uterus which could have been caused by the first lap for the ectopic. She managed to remove everything.
• Tiny spots of endo which were lasered out. The endo was minimal and couldn't be staged.
• Lot of inflammation both inside and outside the uterus - Known as Chronic Endometritis
• My cervical ectropion has been treated and that will take care of the excess mucus.

 And the good news:

• My ovaries looked completely normal and healthy with no signs of PCOS.  I was worried since Dr. KK felt one of my ovaries appeared poly-cystic on ultrasound.
• My remaining fallopian tube is completely normal with no blockages and the fimbriae look very healthy.
• I had a follicle on my left ovary but we don't have to stay for the ovulation series. It might take some time before I ovulate.

The plan is to abstain for 2 cycles so that I can be treated with antibiotics for all the inflammation. We are waiting for the culture results so that we know which antibiotics to begin. Dr. P believes that as long as I om on Progesterone, it is highly unlikely that I will have another ectopic since my fallopian tube is healthy. That was my worry all the time.As my uterine lining was all inflamed, that could have caused all the early miscarriages. I might need some help with Ovulation based on my Estrogen levels.

She feels that I am in the best hands with Dr. KK and told me that I could go on with her treatments for the immune issues. She doesn't see any reason why we can't go onto have a healthy pregnancy once the inflammation has been taken care of.

I am so so thankful that the surgery has given me some idea as to what is going on inside. Thank you Ladies for all your prayers. I have pain near the incisions but the shoulder pain is the worst. I am hoping that it will subside in a few days. We will be home on Saturday!

Surgery Day

Thought I would update you all before leaving for the hospital. The surgery is scheduled for 11:30 AM Central Time. I am up and awake and feeling at complete peace after a good night's sleep.

We reached Omaha on Saturday and I already like this city so much. So many beautiful Catholic Churches unlike the "Queen City". We attended mass at 3 different churches and all the Churches felt "Catholic". We couldn't attend the Tridentine Mass but hoping to do so sometime this week.

We made the trip to Omaha Zoo on Sunday. It was worth seeing and we spent the full day there. Lots of walking, pretty fall colors and it was a warm, sunny day. The beautiful thing I noticed at the zoo was that almost every family had 4 or 5 children which is something I have never seen in Charlotte.

Yesterday morning, we had the pre-op appt at St. Joseph's Hospital. After the appt, we decided to visit the Chapel and we were right on time for the 11am Mass. The Chapel is really small for such a big hospital which was a disappointment and there were only 5 or 6 of us for Mass.

In the afternoon, we had the appts at PPVI. The ultrasound was uneventful. Saw a cyst on the left ovary which could be endometrioma. Other than that things looked good. Then we met with the doctors. Most likely, I have endo because of the TEBB. Will know for sure in a few hours.

 Please keep me in your prayers. God Bless!

The upcoming trip to Omaha

We are flying to Omaha this Saturday and will be there for a week. The Lap is scheduled for Tuesday, Oct 23rd. Please spare me a few prayers. I have been keeping myself busy not trying to think too much about the BIG day. It feels more like a Vacation for both of us. I am hoping to do some sightseeing while in Omaha, maybe the zoo and a few churches.

I was hoping to get the u/s series done while in Omaha. Looks like my body is already under stress and isn't ovulating. I had a really weird cycle with continuous fertile CM from Day 9-26. I was tired of charting 10KLs and 10Cs for more than 2 weeks. I wasn't able to identify a Peak Day. I was getting so frustrated and without the slightest hint, AF arrived on Day 27. I had super light bleeding for 4 days. It's more like blood tinged mucus on some days. I don't know if I should consider this as a new cycle or some kind of weird mid cycle bleeding. I will get to know when I meet my doc in a few days.

Since, I never reached Post Peak, charting (I)s were out of question. It's funny how I had no problem abstaining this last cycle knowing that the surgery was all scheduled. Whereas last year, when I was learning CrMs and when our doctor asked us to avoid a few cycles, those were the most frustrating cycles and I felt like I was wasting my TTC months.

It felt so nice to take a break without worrying about covering fertile days. And it feels so good to take a break from the numerous medications even if it's only for a few weeks. I have the Lovenox shots waiting in my room and I dread the sight of the it. It gives me panic attacks but I am safe for the next month.

I also want to receive Annointing of the Sick while in Omaha. I could get it done here at our Parish but since I will be flying a few days before the surgery date, our parish priest told it would be better to receive the sacrament as close to the surgery as possible. Have any of you been anointed while in Omaha either at PPVI or the hospital? Or maybe I could visit some church in Omaha just before the surgery.

One of the joys of staying in NC is that every year, we get to enjoy the wonderful fall colors in the mountains. Every year, we have been visiting one of America's most scenic drives - Blue Ridge Parkway. The colors have begun to change in the mountains and will be Peak in the next few weeks. This year, we made an early trip to Blue Ridge Parkway since we would be in Omaha next week.

And here are some photos ...

Salvation

I love the Sermons on audiosancto.org. 
They reach to the depths of my soul.

"No man can find salvation except in the Catholic Church. Outside the Catholic Church one can have everything except salvation. One can have honour, one can have the sacraments, one can sing alleluia, one can answer amen, one can have faith in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost, and preach it too, but never can one find salvation except in the Catholic Church."

~ Saint Augustine, Doctor of the Church: Sermon to the People of Caesaria

"Pray! Pray a great deal and make sacrifices for sinners, for many souls go to Hell for not having someone to pray and make sacrifices for them."
~ Our Lady of Fatima's message

Are you ready to get down on your knees and do penance for your brothers and sisters? Are you ready to pray for all the lost souls? Are you ready to suffer and offer sacrifices?

God is calling me to suffer for my own family members and friends who are outside the Church. I need to get down on my knees and pray for them. Through my Infertility, God is calling me to suffer and I need to lovingly embrace this Cross. I cannot let this opportunity go by. It is the least I can do for our Lord. It is the least I can do for my family and friends.It is why I need to embrace my suffering and pray more and more.

A 35 minute video worth every minute..
 

Head over to Leila's blog and find out why it's time to come back to the Church.

God Bless You All!

Shipping Blood

I need help shipping blood to PPVI. I have seen this topic on the blogosphere so many times but I keep forgetting.
I need to do a Limited Hormone Panel for Estradiol on Day 13,15 and so on till I am Post Peak. Most likely 3-4 days of blood draws.

I have two options for shipping:
1. On the day of the last blood draw, I can ship all the frozen samples together on dry ice.
Or
2. I can mail each sample separately on the same day as it is drawn. I spoke with PPVI and since it is Estradiol, the serum can be shipped at room temp provided it will reach the lab within 5 days. I could use Padded Envelopes or Small Flat Rate Priority Boxes and simply drop it in the USPS drop boxes.

I am trying to find the cost-effective day of doing it. Those of you who have done the hormone profile, how much did it cost to ship the samples on dry ice? I am thinking that the second option is more convenient and would cost me less than 20$.

My Results From Dr. KK

I got my results from my visit to Dr. KK and most of it seemed to be normal with a few exceptions. The phone consultation is over and here are my results.

Anti-phospholipid antibodies
IgG-Cardiolipin - Borderline
IgG-Phosphatidic Acid - Borderline

Treatment:  Lovenox (Heparin) Shots 40mg/day starting CD 6. This will also increase the blood-flow to the Uterus and Ovaries. My blood flow was 2 out of 5 as measured during the u/s. Also need to do a followup U/S after 2 weeks on Lovenox to check blood blow and accordingly adjust Lovenox dosage. The resistance index was 0.6 last time. It needs be be less than 0.4.

NK (Natural Killer Cells) Assay
%CD 19 Result - 14.5 Range (2-12) - Slightly elevated
%CD 56 Result - 12.4 Range (2-12) - Slightly elevated

TH1:TH2 Intracellular Cytokine Ratios
TNF-a : IL-10  Result - 45.1 Range (13.2 - 30.6) - High
IFN-g : IL-10   Result - 35.0 Ratio (5.8 - 20.5) - High

Treatment : Dr KK recommends IVIG preconceptually and after conception. Since IVIG is expensive, there is high probability that insurance won't cover it. If so, I may chose to do steroids instead of IVIG.

Immunoglobulin Panel
IgG  Result - 1680 Range (751-1560) - High

I need to do another blood test locally to recheck these levels. Any Idea why IgG would be high?

DHEA
Result - 1050 Range (102-1185 ng/dL)
I am not on DHEA supplements. Dr KK felt it was slightly high.


All the remaining tests were normal -some of which were Thyroid Panel, Metabolic Panel, CBC w/differential, MTHFR, Anti-DNA, Anti-Thyroid Antibodies, PAI-1 4G/5G Gene Polymorphism, Factor XIII, beta- Fibrinogen, HPA-1a, ANA, Testosterone, Vitamin D, Protein C, Protein S and so on.

I am glad that I have some answers and that my trip to Chicago was helpful. I at least know that I have autoimmune issues which need to be treated. I am hoping that I can get around without IVIG. I am ready to try steroids and lovenox. I am thinking that I should go with the Lap & Hysteroscopy on Oct 23rd before I start Dr KK's treatment. Hopefully, the Laparoscopy will help me know if there are problems conceiving and Dr.KK's treatment should help me to sustain a pregnancy if I conceive.

Surgery Dates

A few days ago, I got the call from PPVI & and I have 2 tentative dates for surgery - either Oct 23rd or Nov 20th. I didn't expect that I would be getting a surgery date so soon. I thought it would be 4-5 months before I hear back from PPVI and that I would have ample time to make a decision.

I would love to go with the October date but there are so many things that need to be done. Flight tickets, accommodation, the blood draws for the hormone series and DH's leave plans. I got an estimate from PPVI in case insurance doesn't pay. $7500 for the doctor's charges, ultrasound series and so on. The hospital bill will be around $30,000 or even more !!! I had a panic attack when I heard the $$$ amounts. I am trying to soak everything up.

We still haven't made a decision. I am waiting for my phone consultation with Dr. Kwak-Kim which will be this week. I can't wait to discuss my labs with Dr.KK. I am so thankful that I went ahead and kept the appt with Dr.KK because insurance covered everything (both the doctor and Rosalind Franklin University Lab) and I just have to pay my deductible of $800 instead of $5000 which is such a huge relief. Thank you Jesus for this great blessing!!!

The surgery is going to be with Dr. Pakiz. I am unsure if I should stay for the ultrasound series because there is high probability that I won't ovulate. I don't do well under stress and the surgery itself is a huge stress!!! Moreover, I had a detailed u/s with Dr.KK's sonographer which showed poor ovulation. My heart tells me that I should go ahead with the lap. Oct 23rd is the due date of our baby I lost in Feb and I don't think it's a coincidence. I haven't fallen pregnant after that. God definitely has plans! This surgery might be an answer. I will know if my remaining tube is clear and can know if I am at risks for a future ectopic.

I need all your prayers that we can make a decision soon and that insurance would cover the surgery. Jesus, I trust in you!

My appt with Dr.KK

Last week, we flew to Chicago for my appt with Dr. K.wa.k-Ki.m. I had been praying that I would miraculously fall pregnant and wouldn't need to make the trip. However, God had different plans for me. It's been 6 months since my last miscarriage and I knew I had to do something to get pregnant and stay pregnant, and so I decided to keep the appt. I had been following the RI Yahoo Group for a while and so I had a vague idea what to expect for the appointment.

We reached her office at 8:30 in the morning and without any delay, they called me in for bloodwork. They took 22 vials of blood for all the RI tests I have never heard of. I was supposed to drink 32 oz water to have a full bladder for the ultrasound. I think I overdid that and I badly wanted to use the restroom. Thankfully, the sonographer didn't keep me waiting for long. She was the sweetest & kindest person I have ever met. I felt totally at ease with her. I was on P+15 and I had already tested to confirm that I wasn't pregnant. Ever since I began Metformin, my cycles have become more regular 28-29 days. Last cycle, I had 4-5 days of mucus and had my Peak around Day 13. I even had a confirmed rise in BBT and so I went ahead and took Progesterone. Since, I was on P+15, I expected my period to begin any minute and hoped that it wouldn't until the appointment was over.

During the ultrasound, she kept telling me that she couldn't find a Corpus Luteum which she normally finds in patients who have ovulated even if they are about to begin their next cycle. She could see layers in the endometrium which is normally not seen after ovulation. It either meant I didn't ovulate or I had a wimpy follicle and the corpus luteum died out too soon. My emotions were all over the place. So much for the mucus buildup and the rise in BBT! She found tiny cysts on both my ovaries and asked me if I had been on Clomid or Femara. I was on Femara for 3 unmonitored cycles and had stopped taking it from July. Either those could be leftover cysts from the Stimulated Cycles or it would mean that my ovaries were polycystic. I almost lost it and was on the verge of tears but I managed to put on a brave face. She checked the blood flow to my uterus and ovaries and it was something around .62 when it should have been around .4. My right ovary had poor blood flow and my left ovary seemed more dominant. That explained why I ovulated on my Left Side on Clomid cycles. I am not worried about that because my left side is the side I have my Fallopian Tube. I asked her if she could see any Endo and she said she didn't see any. Of course tiny Endo cells wouldn't be visible but otherwise, things looked good on the structural front. I also had a very detailed Thyroid Ultrasound and though one side looked a bit abnormal she didn't find anything significant.

After the ultrasound, the Nurse Practitioner discussed my Medial History and I had a Breast Examination. Next, we met with Dr. KK and she explained that my ovaries looked polycystic and the need to go on a Low Carb Diet. She asked me to lose 10 lbs to help with ovulation. Since I was diagnosed with Insulin Resitance by my NaPro doctor, she said it could be causing Poor Ovulation & Immature Follicles resulting in Implantation Failures. Also, I would need to take Lovenox shots to improve Bloodflow to the Uterus. I will have a phone appt with her once she has the results form the bloodwork. She was very realistic and didn't give me any false hopes. I asked her if I should get a Lap done to check for Endo or adhesions but she said that it wasn't needed as of now.

I have been having mixed emotions after the appt. All this while, I thought I was ovulating every cycle but it looks like I wasn't. If I am not ovulating regularly, it means my chances of conceiving are reduced which is the reason why I am sub-fertile. First and foremost, my body needs to have a healthy ovulation. Only then can I hope for a pregnancy. My NaPro doctor (who specializes in PCOS) & other doctors never found Polycystic Ovaries inspite of numerous ultrasounds. I am sure my Polycystic Ovaries and Insulin Resistance are all linked. I feel stupid for getting my hopes high each cycle thinking that I would be pregnant when I didn't even know if I ovulated or not. After each NaPro appt, I would get my hopes high thinking that Progesterone, Thyroid meds, Femara, Vitamin D or Metformin is going to help me. This appt reminded me that I was not in control and that God was the one who was in control. Even if I wanted to be pregnant, I couldn't do it as I wished. What do I do to have a healthy ovulation? I tried Clomid and still miscarried. I wish I had answers.

I am also waiting for my surgery date with PPVI. They have a long waiting time and the nurse told me that it would be atleast 4-5 months before I have a date. Meanwhile, I would need to ship my blood for the hormone panel. Now, I don't know if I want to go for the surgery since Dr. KK doesn't recommend it. How I wish life would have been easier.

My new cycle began on P+18 and I just had 3 days of light bleeding when I normally have 5 days of medium to heavy bleeding. Does it mean that I had a poor lining buildup because of poor ovulation? Since I took progesterone without ovulation, is that the reason for the light bleeding? I am freaking out over here. Do you gals have any idea what would happen if I took Progesterone before ovulation?

All about August

The month of August is special to me. It is the month of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary! Four years ago, my life changed in a big way on August 19th. I lost my first baby to an ectopic pregnancy and the memories are so fresh, etched into my mind.

We were newly married and enjoying the initial stages of married life. Since my hubby was working here in the US, I left my job in India and moved with him. While attending the pre-marriage classes, we had learnt that contraception was a sin. We used NFP (Billings Method) for postponing pregnancy. It was the end of July and I was supposed to get my period. Well, I don't have perfect 28 day cycles, anywhere between 30-35 days. So, I wasn't worried when I didn't get my period for a few days. I began asking myself if I could be pregnant. What if NFP had failed?? I would be so embarrassed. It would mean that NFP didn't work!

I shared my concerns with Hubby and he was pretty cool about everything. I admire him for that. I was only 25 and so naive. I spoke to my friend and she suggested getting a Home Pregnancy Test from a Drug Store. I finally gathered my courage and decided to give it a try. For the first time in my life, I picked an HPT from a shelf and hurried to the counter. I felt embarrassed as I checked out and felt the whole world was watching me. We went home and I was a nervous wreck. Anyway, while my husband looked at the timer, I tested and was relieved to see that the test was negative.

The very next day, I began feeling different from my usual self. I had happily told my friend about the negative HPT. Soon after, I began feeling tired. I took a nap in the afternoon. The following days, I realized I was using the bathroom a lot and unusually hungry. After four days, on a Sunday morning, I woke up to brown spotting and was happy that the long awaited AF had arrived. Well, I was wrong! The spotting/light bleeding continued for 3-6 days, but it never changed to a full fledged period. I began getting worried and googled about spotting and I found "Implantation Spotting". I was worried if it was implantation and that I had tested too early. I called my cousin and she confirmed it was my Period and not Implantation Bleeding. Implantation Spotting was only for a day. I stopped spotting but I was unusually tired and bloated. My symptoms seemed to get worse. I noticed I had put on weight within a few weeks. Maybe it was all the junk food we were eating.

We had scheduled a trip to DH's uncle's house in TX.  I tried to keep myself busy with preparations for the trip. We went and stayed there for a few days and returned home on the 19th of August. While the flight was landing, I felt a strange pressure in my abdomen as if something had burst inside. I tried ignoring the pain, came home and slept as I was too tired. When I woke up in the afternoon, I felt a sharp shooting pain on the right side of my abdomen. The pain continued to increase and when hubby returned home from work, I told him and he began to get worried. When I went to the bathroom, I found out that I was bleeding severely with heavy black clots and felt dizzy. How could this be? I just had my period 2 weeks ago. This couldn't be my period. It had to be something else! The pain became unbearable and I realized I needed to see a doc.

I didn't have a primary doctor since we were fairly new to the US. It was around 10 pm when we found a nearby hospital and went to the ER. I was curled into a ball and started throwing up. We waited for hours and hours until they finally decided to call us in. They ran a few tests and told me that I was pregnant and looked like I was miscarrying. After numerous tests and an ultrasound, they diagnosed the Ectopic Pregnancy and told us that my Fallopian tube had ruptured and I needed an emergency surgery. Knowing that you are pregnant and losing your baby at the same time is as horrible as it can get. I was bleeding severely and was having difficulty keeping my eyes open. My mind had stopped working. I hugged DH and cried as we waited for the on call surgeon. We prayed the rosary together as tears fell from our eyes. We were miles away from our family and all I wanted was to see my Mom. At some point, I thought I was going to die because of the severe pain. Amidst all the pain, fear overtook me and death seemed so real. I prayed to the Lord to spare my life & allow me to live with my husband for a while. Probably, the most sincere prayer I had ever prayed until then.

The surgeon explained to us what an ectopic was and why I needed a surgery since my tube had ruptured while DH kept requesting him to save the baby. I had read somewhere that they could transplant the embryo to the uterus and I thought they would be able to do that. I was so naive. I went in for surgery not knowing if I would ever wake up. My heart broke as I said goodbye to DH. All I wanted was to fall asleep. I woke up a few hours later and remember asking for DH. I was so happy when I saw him. I was asleep for most of the next day and my thoughts were incoherent. They had to remove my right tube because of the damage and they didn't even acknowledge my baby instead kept referring to it as pregnancy tissue. I bled for 2 weeks after the surgery and passed golf ball sized clots. DH took good care of me while I recovered. It was the most difficult time we faced all by ourselves without family near us. But God strengthened us in a special way and our marriage grew stronger. Looking back, I know God was merciful and spared my life. I don't know what would have happened if we had been late going to the ER. I went for the surgery without going for 'Confession' or receiving 'Anointing of the Sick'. God spared my soul and now I know how important it is to be in a state of grace because you never know what will happen.

Four years later, my nephew has been baptized on the same day I lost my first baby, making the day all the more special for us. We always pray for our dear baby whom we never got to see. Sometimes, my heart breaks because we weren't able to baptize our baby. The Lord is merciful and we pray that he/she is with Jesus and our Blessed Mother.

Pls pray for a Priest

I have a special request for all of you, to pray for this Catholic Priest Fr. J. I don't know where to start or what to write but I will try my best.

We spent last Sunday with a priest visiting us from India. Fr. J spoke the harshest words I have ever heard about the Catholic Church and the Holy Father. On two or three occasions he mentioned that he and several of his priest friends hated the Holy Father and that they were all praying for his early death (we haven't recovered from it yet) all because the Holy Father authorized the new translation, Tridentine Mass, and reconciliation efforts with SSPX.

In addition he denied that Jesus established a Church, he claimed that Constantine made the Church Roman, denied papal infallibility and compared the Holy Father to Martin Luther and Hitler, as being the third German who is bringing misery to the Church. He denied many doctrines of the Church and the need to genuflect before the tabernacle claiming we are not slaves of God. This is a parish priest of a very large diocese in southern India. There are a lot of other things he spoke, which I do not want to write about. 

All this happened in front of three poorly catechized families. My husband tried to defend the Holy Father as much as he could but we didn't want to be irreverent to a Priest. In retrospect, I feel we should have spoken more to defend our faith. I wish I could have defended our faith like Leila and Joanna but this was the last thing we expected from a priest who had celebrated 5 masses that Sunday.  My husband and I are in shock and have no idea what to do or how to undo the damage on those other families who were being brainwashed by this priest. 

The sad thing is that there are so many priests in many countries who think likewise and they are slowly moving people away from the Church. It is no wonder that Catholics in India have no idea about the teachings of the Catholic Church. Almost all Indian Catholics follow the 2-child policy and shamelessly practice contraception and sterilization. Unless there is a revival of true Catholic Faith among Priests, people are going to move away from the Church.

Please pray for Fr J and the sanctification of all priests. And also for these three families. Thank You!

Mother Mary, please pray for our clergy!

St. Alphonsus Liguori, St. John Vianney, St. Ignatius Loyola, all the angels and saints, please intercede for our priests!

My Grandma

My maternal grandmother (the last of my grandparents) passed away yesterday evening. She wasn't doing well since last week. We were praying for her ardently.
My heart tells me that she is with Jesus. She received the Anointing of the Sick and passed away peacefully and all her 7 children were there with her.
She is named after St. Ann. And I don't think it is a coincidence that she passed away on the Eve of the Feast of Sts. Ann and Joachim. St. Ann, patron of grandparents, pray for my dear grandma.

We are miles away from our home country and will not be able to attend the funeral. We love you and will miss you grandma.

Wish I didn't have to do it

The appointment which I was supposed to have with Dr. KK in June was rescheduled to August 16th. I have been sitting in front of the computer trying to book tickets. How I wish I didn't have to do this? Lord, why can't I get a BFP and go on to have a baby. I really don't want to travel to Chicago! I don't want to spent $$$$$ on another set of labs. I cannot even fathom the amount I have to spent if I need IVIG treatment. My insurance is horrible! Lord, please please sent me a baby. I am so ready to be a mother.

But I have to do something right? My body hasn't been able to sustain a pregnancy!
I also went ahead and called PPVI. It had been over 2 months since I received the reply from Dr. H but I waited & waited hoping for some sort of miracle pregnancy. For the past few days, I have been waiting for the phone to ring so that I can go ahead and get some dates for the surgery which again I wish I didn't have to do.

We need to go to India for my sister's wedding in October. And there is a high probability that we will be moving to Canada mostly by the beginning of next year. I just don't know how we are going to manage all the expenses. My poor DH. He is working so hard for us while I enjoy staying-at-home! Only if I could become a stay-at-home mother, I wouldn't have felt so bad.

I am trusting that the Lord will provide. I really wish God would speak to me clearly as to what treatments I need to pursue so that I don't end up doing things in vain. Most Blessed Virgin, St. Anne, St. Anthony, St. Gianna, St. Gerard, please pray for us. I feel so weak.

How do I do it?

This is one question that has crossed my mind time and again. How do I do it? I love babies and play with my friends' babies whenever I can. I love their sweet sounds and kisses. How am I able to love babies around me when I have had so many pregnancy losses? How do I hold other babies when my heart breaks thinking of all my little ones who are not with me. One word.... not my merits but God's Grace! 

Though Pregnancy Announcements bring me a sense of sadness, I have realized that bitterness hasn't overtaken my heart. Babies bring me joy. And I forget my sorrows momentarily when I see them smile. Although I dread birthday parties and other social gatherings, I look forward to every opportunity to hold babies and cuddle them.

God has strengthened me in a special way through each of my losses. I know each baby is a miracle from God and my heart has grown in love. I pray that God continues to give me all the graces I need to share in others joy. How I long to hold my sweet nephew. I have only seen his pictures and I looking forward to my next vacation in India with my nephew.

I also have some good news. Remember this post where I wrote about my sister and how my infertility was affecting her. God is so good. He has opened doors for her wedding. She is getting married in a few months. I am so happy for her. God has answered our prayers. Deo Gratias!

Another Cycle

BFN! I am trying to hide the disappointment from DH. I don't want to hurt him any more with my pain. He has lots to worry about rather than my stupid BFN. The tears haven't stopped. I feel I am on the verge of depression. I have read how people can go into a depression after experiencing pregnancy losses. Somehow after each miscarriage, I was able to pull myself together and continue TTC.

My body can't take this agony any longer. The desire for motherhood is killing me. The thought that my life will be the same after 10,15 or 20 years and that my husband will never get to experience fatherhood is enough to drive me crazy. Prayer is the only thing which is keeping me alive. I am going to take a break from all the Ovulatory drugs and shots next cycle. I  don't want to keep track of my Cycle Days and Peak. I don't want to focus on timing intercourse and worrying if I have covered my fertile days. I just want to forget everything. Unfortunately, all my IRL friends have kids and it is a reminder of all the Babies I will never get to hold.

I have been postponing calling PPVI for scheduling surgery. I no longer have the desire to continue with fertility treatments. Please pray for me that God will strengthen me to do whatever needs to be done.

If time would fly

I am on that part of my cycle where hope begins to creep in. You know that part where your are past ovulation and you begin to think that maybe it will be this cycle. How I wish I could fast forward these 2 weeks! I don't want to have hope only to feel defeated but as soon as I am past peak, my mind seems to lose control. I cannot think of anything under the sun without being reminded of a possible pregnancy. My mind is in a constant daze.

I keep comparing my BBT charts to see if there is any sign of a pregnancy. Now that I am on HCG shots, I cannot test on 10 dpo. All that I can do is stare at my charts and wonder if we had enough days of (I). And even though my body doesn't give me any real signs, I convince myself that my lower back hurts and I have slight twinges on my lower abdomen. Ah!

In retrospect, I know the only true pregnancy symptom I had was extreme fatigue with my ectopic pregnancy. I couldn't keep my eyes open and had to sleep for hours during the day. I felt all my energy was being drained out. The fatigue made me wonder if I was pregnant. Since I had a negative HPT and a false period, I ruled out any possibility of pregnancy and wondered if I was eating too much which was causing me to fall asleep. And later on, I was also running to the restroom every fifteen minutes. Who knew that was a pregnancy symptom? Also, my weight had increased in a few weeks and I was always hungry but I never thought those were pregnancy symptoms.

Now that I know that those were real pregnancy symptoms, how I long for it - extreme fatigue, frequent urination and what not! How I long for those signs which will tell me that there is a little one growing inside me. And for me, strong symptoms indicate that my HCG is rising. With my early miscarriages whatever little symptoms I had faded out quickly.

I don't know why but for the first time I have been feeling that I cannot keep doing this any longer. My body cannot endure this agony any longer. All this while, I would somehow find strength and hope to continue trying even if it was immediately after a miscarriage. Infact, I hated all those break cycles while beginning CrMs and NaPro. But, I am losing it now. The pain is too much. How may nights have I spent in silent tears thinking of the babies I would never get to hold. I just want to forget everything and throw my charts. I don't want my life to revolve around TTC. I have been begging and pleading God for a miracle. If not a miracle, maybe Peace and Acceptance.

Our family has a strong devotion to St. Anthony. Last year, the Lord heard our prayers. We prayed for my brother and his wife. And they conceived a beautiful baby. I am so thankful to God for my cute, little nephew who is named after St. Anthony. I pray that the Lord will give me the graces I need to hold on as long as He Wills. St. Anthony the miracle worker, please ask Jesus for a baby in our lives.

Med. Reviews and More

I have been on some new medications for the last 3 cycles and I thought I would write a review.

Femara
I have been taking 12.5 mg of Letrozole (generic of Femara) for 3 cycles. I love Femara because it gives me minimal headaches. I tried three cycles of Clomid and I had nasty headaches while I took 50 mg of Clomid. With Femara, my long cycles have shortened and my Peak Day varies between CD 14-16.
With Clomid my Peak Day was more like CD 17-18 and I ended up ovulating really late for one cycle like on CD 24.
I haven't been going for mid-cycle ultrasounds on Femara so I have no clue of how my follicles are doing. With Clomid, I went for monthly ultrasounds and I would have one mature follicle though one cycle was a bust with poor follicular response.
Clomid had no effect on my mucus. I had abundant CM while on Clomid. With Femara, my mucus cycles haven't been really great. I am taking Mucinex but I don't see the glorious 10KL like before. My mucus has become less stretchy!
Out of 3 Clomid cycles, I conceived twice on 50 mg Clomid. Whereas after 3 cycles of Femara, I haven't been able to conceive.
Though Femara has shortened my cycles, I am wondering if I should go back on Clomid next cycle. Clomid seems to have worked for so many PCOS bloggers.

HCG
This is my 3rd cycle on HCG shots. I must say I dread injecting myself and DH is afraid of needles. So, I need to give the shots myself. I definitely prefer Progesterone Suppositories rather than plunging the needle into my body. My PMS feels better on HCG but after P+10, I hate all the pregnancy symptoms I get while on HCG. My body feels so pregnant and I am so sure that I have conceived! On Progesterone, I definitely had sore breasts but it never made me feel pregnant like HCG.

Since HCG can help with implantation, I will stick onto it for a few more cycles.

Metformin
With my long cycles, I have often wondered if I have PCOS. My doctors have never diagnosed me as my FSH, LH and Testosterone were always normal. My ovaries have always appeared normal on ultrasounds. I have had normal Fasting Blood Glucose Levels. My RE also had my Hemoglobin A1C levels checked and it was normal.

Unfortunately, my Fasting Insulin Levels were high which makes me Insulin Resistant to some extent. Maybe, it is related to PCOS or late ovulation in my case. I started with 500mg of Metformin and currently on 1000mg. Luckily, I have had no side-effects. I will be switching to 1500 mg in a few days. Hopefully, there will be minimal side-effects.


This is where I am right now. Three cycles have gone by on three new medicines. Something should have worked by now. Atleast, I was hoping that the cocktail of Femara, HCG and Metformin should have had some effect on my body. Not to forget the Armour Thyroid, Baby Aspirin, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, B-Long F, Fish Oil and other supplements.

I rescheduled my appt with Dr. K.w.ak-K.i.m for the first week of August. How, I wish I would get pregnant and wouldn't have to go to Chicago!

Also, do your girls have any recommendations for the doctors at PPVI? I need to call them and schedule my lap but I don't know if I should go with Dr. P.a.k.iz or Dr. K.e.e.f.e as Dr. H.i.lge.r.s will be busy.

St. Anthony, please please ask Jesus for a miracle! I am so ready for a healthy pregnancy.

Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

One of my favorites..... What an inspiration!
 Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Ora Pro Nobis! 

Cycle Updates and More

It's been a while since I blogged. Each time I thought of writing something, I didn't have anything interesting going on. This morning, a blogger sent me a message on Facebook and I knew it was time to update this blog.

This is my second cycle on Femara and post-peak HCG shots and am on P+14. I tested. I am not pregnant! :)

The repeat labwork for my Thyroid and Hashimotos came back normal. Armour seems to be working. So I will be continuing the same dose. Unfortunately, my fasting insulin levels were high. It was 27 when it should have been less than 12. My local NaPro Dr. has put me on Metformin. I am currently on 1000mg and I am doing well. No side effects.

Yesterday, I received the reply from PPVI. It was from Dr. K.r.i.s.t.i.n.a P.a.k.iz on behalf of Dr. H. It's been almost 2 months since I mailed them and I completely forgot about it. Perhaps yesterday's reply was a special message from God to go ahead with PPVI.

I also have an appt with Dr. K.w.a.k-K.i.m for the first week of June. My insurance year begins every July. So it would be better to postpone all appts for the next insurance year. It's so difficult to get an appt with Dr. Ki.m. One part of me wants to go but I know it would be better to wait until July. I am not thinking about the monetary aspect. That is the last thing in my head. I know I will have to pay around 5k for Dr. Kim since my insurance is highly unlikely to cover anything.

Two different paths and we have no clue which one to pursue! We have been praying every single day to show us the path. I secretly hoped that I would be pregnant this cycle and I wouldn't have to see any more specialists and make such difficult decisions.

And this weekend, we will be celebrating our 4th Wedding Anniversary. We are going to Niagara. I hope AF arrives early. I don't want my weekend to be drowned in sorrow. I have been praying for all of you. I am having baby fever after seeing all the cute pics of blogger babies! One day Lord willingly, I will have some good baby pics to share with you all.

The Cross gets heavier

I was on HCG this cycle and I decided to test to satisfy my curiosity. Today is P+13 and there was no magical line on that cheapo HPT strip. The HCG is out of my system! And along with the HCG, my hopes have gone. I feel pathetic. I knew I would have high hopes on a new medication only to hit rock bottom. Why can't I get to see two dark lines?

My thoughts are wandering. One more month and it's our 4th wedding anniversary. And this month was the due date of our first baby lost to ectopic pregnancy. I am supposed to have a 3 year old with me! And here I am as good as where we started. I don't have children here on earth. I just wish I didn't have to think of Infertility every single day. Not a second goes by without thinking of IF. It is a part of who I am. I wish I could forget about IF and live happily with my husband. This is a heavy cross to bear and I wish I could handle it in a better way. I wish I could handle suffering with grace like the saints instead of feeling pathetic and lashing out on my husband.

HCG Questions

I have a quick question about storing HCG after it is mixed.

I received 1 vial of powdered HCG and Bateriostatic water from Kubat. After mixing bacteriostatic water into the HCG vial, can I store that same vial in the fridge? Or, do I need to buy another sterile glass vial for transferring the mixed HCG?

Dr. Google is not helping me with the thousands of HCG diet sites that keep popping up!

I am praying that I can inject myself without worrying too much!

Introducing my Nephew...

Antonio Joseph
Born on March 31st...

Little one, you are an answer to so many prayers. We love you so much!!!
Loving God, we thank you for the gift of this sweet baby in our lives.
May God bless you and protect you. May you grow in God's love all the days of your life.

NaPro Appt Update & Possible Surgery

I had a followup with my local NaPro Ob/Gyn. As usual, I had my list of questions ready & DH & I were all set to tell her that we would be looking into PPVI as the next step. Well, things took an unexpected turn.

1. After reviewing my history, she told us that endometriosis was possibly the only remaining cause for my miscarriages. She started reviewing my charts for the last few cycles. I explained to her the brown bleeding/mucus I had during the last cycle & she said it was expected of a miscarriage cycle. I pointed to my chart & tried convincing her that I have TEBB for 2 days most cycles and asked if I could be on antibiotics in case there is inflammation.
2. And guess what, she surprised us by telling that she would do a Laprascopy at the beginning of my next cycle for possible endo and if so, she would laser it out. She will also do a hysteroscopic D&C to get samples for endometrial culture. If the culture shows any kind of infection, she will put me on antibiotics. If the endo is extensive and on places such as the bowel, she will recommend me to PPVI. Until last year, she was recommending her patients to a NaPro surgeon 3 hours away. Unfortunately, that NaPro surgeon moved to St. Louis. I don't know if that's the reason why she herself is doing the laparoscopy.
3. She also told me that my mucus scores were not indicative of endo but we will never know until we do a lap. Since I had a laparoscopy for my ectopic & not laparotomy, she said the possibility of scarring/adhesions was less & that it was more common after a laparotomy. I also asked her what would be done if they find Poly Cystic Ovaries during the lap. She recommends diet & medication for PCOS & ovarian wedge resection is only for severe cases of PCOS.
4. I asked her for Metformin since it can improve ovulation. She wanted me to get a Fasting Insulin test before she will consider Metformin. I have been tested for this before and it was normal but I will get it done again because it's been a while. She doesn't want me to try a new medication unless there is a real problem though I would have preferred being on Metformin & antibiotics for TEBB. :(
5. I asked her about Thyroid antibodies and she had ordered the blood work for it. She said if I test positive for Thyroid Antibodies/Hashimoto's, there is nothing much that can be done other than continuing the Thyroid medication which I am already on. How does Dr.H.il.ge.rs treat Thyroid antibodies?
6. I asked her about HCG and she said it was reasonable to try HCG at this point since I have already been on Progesterone for many cycles. She prescribed me 10,000 IU of HCG post peak P+3,5,7,9 & said I could get it at any regular or compounding pharmacy. How much does HCG cost & where do you all get it from? 
7. I forgot to ask about the selective HSG which Dr. H does during lap. Are there any other things which I need to ask?
   

So ladies, this is where I am now. If I am interested in going ahead with the laparoscopy, it can be done during my next cycle. I have the convenience that it can be done at a local hospital and so my insurance will likely cover everything. I will also get to know if I have endo sooner than later.

This is what is worrying me. I don't know how good my local NaPro doctor is with Endo/Adhesions. And we all know that PPVI is the best. However, it will be a few months until I can get into PPVI for a surgery & it is going to be out of network. So, we are wondering what needs to be done. It is not an easy decision! We are praying for clarity & guidance.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

CD 3 and Femara

Today is CD3 and I am going to take Femara 12.5mg this cycle for the first time. And I am hoping to convince my NaPro doctor to try HCG trigger & booster shots this cycle. A little bit of HCG can go a long way in aiding implantation & many have had success with HCG in the case of early miscarriages. My SIL had success with Clomid, HCG & Progesterone. Please pray for her. She is 38 weeks & getting induced in a few days & we are all praying for a smooth delivery & healthy baby.

I am hopeful that I have something new to try this cycle as I know it will be months before I can get into PPVI & Dr Kw.ak-K.i.m. It's better to do something in the meanwhile. I am also gearing up for my NaPro appt this week. I am going to ask my doctor to put me on Metformin to help with better ovulation. And I will ask her about testing for infections, maybe an endometrial biopsy, though she said it wasn't needed for miscarriages.

Any other tests/medications that NaPro doctors usually recommend? A blogger had recommended testing for thyroid antibodies. So that is on my to-do list.

This month - March

Ever since my vacation, I have been out-of-touch with blogging, specially reading blogs & commenting. I didn't even sign up for Lenten Prayer Buddies as I wasn't dealing well with my emotions after 2 miscarriages but I have been praying for all of you in a special way. I am so overjoyed to see pregnancy announcements & beautiful pics of blogger babies. It gives me hope - a glimpse of what my future will be like, if God-willing, when one day I will have a successful pregnancy.

The last few weeks were spent researching about Dr. Kw.a.k K.i.m & Dr. H.i.l.g.ers. I got in touch with a few wonderful blogger ladies and gathered lots of information. I have been purging different forums reading mail after mail  I feel so overwhelmed with all the information. It kind of scares me knowing what all could be possibly wrong with my body.

Both these doctors are awesome in their own fields. Based on my history, I am thinking I have Immune Issues which are causing my pregnancy losses. Dr. Kw.a.k K.i.m is so good at reproductive immunology but unfortunately it is so so so expensive. Also, I will need PPVI to treat me if I have endo/pcos.  Both these doctors are out of Network but we have decided to take a bold step. I have filled up all the paper-work and have copies of my medical records. All I need to do is mail it but I don't know why something is making me hesitant. The fear of the unknown is grabbing me and holding me down. I am praying to God to give me signs.


My cycle after the last miscarriage has been messed up. I have had so many days of brown mucus & spotting both pre and post peak. In fact, I have very few days which have no red stamps. I hope I am not dealing with an infection after the miscarriage or maybe it's a sign that I have Endo. Anyway, I have an appt with my local NaPro dr in a few days. And I hope to get rid of this nasty brown spotting.

One year ago, we lost our sweet baby Gabriel Joseph. It was our first Clomid Cycle and we were so hopeful about this "miracle drug". After losing our dear Gabriel, we learned about CrMS & NaPro. We love you so much little one. Please pray for us that we will find our way to heaven.

And today, we get to see the awesome Pro-life movie "October Baby". I am so excited. We have been eagerly waiting to see this movie ever since it was released in Alabama in Oct of last year. The movie was inspired by the story of abortion survivor Gianna Jessen.

Quick Charting Question - Updated

After taking a break from CrMS charting for nearly 2 months, I feel pretty much confused & dumb after I have resumed charting! I need to chart so that I can send it to PPVI.

I have had brown mucus for many days this cycle including days when I had fertile mucus.
It's just a tiny bit of brown mucus (no bleeding) something like 6B X1.
Coming to the questions

1. Do I need to use a red stamp for all days I see brown mucus even if there is no bleeding/spotting? And since there is no bleeding, do I chart it as VL 6B X1 or only 6B X1?
2. What do I do for the Fertile days where I saw brown mucus? Eg: 10KL X3 + 6B X1 on a single day. How do I chart? Do I use a red or baby stamp?

Update
My awesome FCP replied and here are the answers:
1. You need to use a Red Stamp for every day of Brown Bleeding/Mucus. The first scenario will be 6B x1.
2. For fertile days with brown mucus, use red stamp and chart the fertile most sign and don't forget a B. So for the above scenario, it will be B 10KL x3.

Sometimes I Wonder

What are the odds of carrying a pregnancy to term after 1 ectopic and 1, 2, 3, 4,  5 early miscarriages? I don't want to rely on statistics but I feel so overwhelmed.

Lord, I need you to guide me. I am having a difficult time trusting my body. Fear is trying to overtake me. Fear that I may have another ectopic and that I may lose my remaining tube. Fear that I will never have a successful pregnancy.

Lord, please help me conquer this fear. I don't want to feel defeated but I need some hope to fight my body and defy the odds. I need hope to continue treatments and never give up. I really cannot make up my mind to pursue further treatments. I feel I am failing at every step. Please pray for me.

Surrendering to God's Will

When you abandon yourself completely to God's Will, you can experience peace, lasting peace. And I am trying to give up myself completely to the Lord - to learn and accept that whatever God permits to happen in my life is ultimately good even though I may never comprehend it.

My 6th pregnancy was taken away from me in the blink of an eye. Two days after the positive test, I knew things were not looking good when the HPTs started getting lighter and lighter. From experience, I know how your HPTs are supposed to grow darker every 2-3 days with the rising HCG levels.

I really thought this time I would be getting to meet my miracle on this side of heaven. I wasn't worried about the light bleeding I had before the positive test. I trusted. I prayed. I hoped. I was at peace.

Still, it was no different. My HCG levels dropped and I started bleeding last Saturday exactly one week after the day I saw the word "Pregnant" on the digital HPT.

I am so thankful for my Catholic faith and the gift of sacraments which keep me going when all I want to do is shut myself up and hide from the world. I am thankful for all your prayers. They have sustained me. Never have I felt so much peace. I owe it to all your prayers. And just as the priest reminded in today's homily to pray for God's Will to be done, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I am thankful for the gift of life which grew in my womb for a few weeks. I was so unworthy for such a blessing.

I will trust in the Lord all the days of my life. God is good. May God's Will be done all the days of my life.

I need your Prayers

I need your prayers. Things are not looking good with this pregnancy. My heart is heavy but I am still clinging onto hope. Lord of miracles, please please allow me to carry this pregnancy to term. Lord, I cannot endure another heart break.
Blessed Virgin Mary, please ask Jesus for a miracle.
St. Gianna, please intercede for my baby.

I am back and a Miracle

I am back after a wonderful trip to India. The vacation was truly healing for me. It was more like a pilgrimage. I visited so many shrines in a month and shed countless tears as I poured my heart out to the Lord. I feel greatly blessed to have visited the tombs of two saints - St. Thomas the Apostle and St. Alphonsa. I experienced so much peace during my vacation and I knew God would bless us with a child but we would have to wait patiently for his time. My family supported us like a rock and I thank God for my parents. They have prayed so much for us.

On the fertility front, I was expecting a long anovulatory cycle due to stress. I had continuous mucus discharge most of the days and I wasn't charting. I never identified my Peak Day and so I didn't use Progesterone. We never avoided but we weren't trying actively. I never got a period after my miscarriage cycle on December 30th. It had been nearly 50 days since my last period. At this point, I began getting worried. Even if I hadn't ovulated, I should have had some breakthrough bleeding.

On the day of my return journey, I had some light pinkish bleeding. I was sure AF was going to arrive. I dreaded 24+ hours of flight journey on CD1. I had light spotting all throughout the journey. I reached home on Thursday night. I continued to have light red bleeding but it stopped yesterday evening. Today morning, I woke up at 3am and decided to test to get over with it.

And this is what I saw....

I am in disbelief. I am in shock! Thank you Jesus for this miracle. Yes, God is so good.... Out of all cycles, I got pregnant on this cycle when I was not taking any medications. I was not on Ovulatory Drugs. I missed my Thyroid Medication and Prenatals most of the days. I didn't take Progesterone and my other supplements. I drank coffee and tea on all days of my vacation. I drank wine a few times. I ate junk food. I was under stress. I traveled 24+ hours lifting heavy baggage all myself and still I am dumbfounded and shocked that there is gift of life in my womb. I am humbled at this miracle. I am so so unworthy Lord. I have fallen pregnant 2 cycles in a row.

Thank you Jesus my Lord!
Thank you my dearest Mother!
Thank you St. Anthony!
Thank you St. Joseph!
Thank you St. Thomas!
Thank you St. Alphonsa!
Thank you St. Stephen! 
Thank you St. Michael, Raphael, Gabriel!
Thank you St. Anne!
Thank you St. Therese!
Thank you St. Gianna!
Thank you St. Gerard!
Thank you St. Thomas Aquinas!
Thank you St. Patrick!
Thank you St. Ulrich of Augsburg, my Patron Saint for 2012. 

I need your prayers. I absolutely have no idea how far I am. It's been exactly 3 weeks/21 days since our last intercourse. So I maybe on P+20 or 19 or 18 or who knows... All I know is that God's timing is perfect in every way. I love you my little one! Please, please hang in there.

I have begun Progesterone Suppositories. I have a few more left until Monday. I need to call my dr. first thing on Monday morning. I have been hit by jetlag and have a nagging headache. Surprisingly, amidst all this turmoil, God has blessed us with his peace. He is the author of life and we know that we are not in control of anything. I am surprised that I am handling this well inspite of the light bleeding I had for 2 days. Please pray that my baby continues to grow. Thank you Jesus!  

A New Year and renewed hopes

2012 - A brand new year and I am ready to start over. After the worst kind of heartache during Christmas, thanks to all your prayers and words of encouragement, I feel much better and am getting ready to face a new year.

I owe a special thanks to my Prayer Buddy Perfect Power in Weakness for giving me renewed hopes. She gifted me the perfect book which I know will help me heal my broken heart - "When Love & Sorrow Embrace - The sufficiency of God's Grace through the heartache of Miscarriage" by Beth Forbus.

This Sunday, I will be traveling to India for a month long vacation. I will be meeting my family after two and half years. I am so excited and nervous! I am happy and sad at the same time. Happy that I will be with family. Sad that I am still childless. I will be meeting my pregnant SIL for the first time. I am so happy for her but I am worried that I will make her feel bad. I dread the IF conversations I am going to have with family and relatives. But I guess, this is part of my purgatory and I need to accept it.

I have been thinking so much about the future. I am constantly worrying about what needs to be done with regards to Fertility. I know I have just begun my journey. I know my body has a problem supporting a pregnancy. After 5 losses, I know it's not a fluke. Something is seriously off and I pray that God will guide me to answers.

I am so uncertain of the path I should take. I don't know if I should go to Omaha and if Dr.Hil.gers will be able to help me out. I found a blog where a lady went on to have a successful pregnancy after having repeated early miscarriages. She was treated by Dr. Less.ey in SC with Femara and HCG Booster shots and had a successful pregnancy. The success rates for those who have had recurrent losses seem to be 80% with this particular course of treatment. I am tempted to ask my NaPro doctor to follow the same protocol but who knows if it will work for me. I also read a little about Reproductive Immunology and Little Joann was kind enough to guide me about Dr. Kw.ak-Ki.m's treatment protocol. There is so much information and I am having difficulty comprehending everything like Elevated NKs and betas not rising due to immune system attacking.
I need to take things one-at-a-time and come out with a plan. And that way I wouldn't feel bad that I didn't do enough to prevent another miscarriage.

I don't know if I should take a break from TTC until I find some definite answers. But then I worry if I will be wasting my cycles. Am I being irresponsible? Also, I don't know if I will be able to forgive myself if I go through another miscarriage. I am praying for discernment. God, please guide me. I am so weak.

I don't know what God has in store for me but I wait in hope to see where he leads me on this journey. There maybe more heartaches but I know he will never abandon us. Wishing you all a blessed year ahead!